Toys for Thought

Toys are an important part of childhood, well not my childhood but I'm sure somewhere out there some stupid kid likes toys so just run with this for a few seconds. That's why I was a bit miffed after reading this statement by some internet reporter:

"Mattel inc is recalling 1.5 million Chinese made toys amid fears the paint may contain too much lead"

China, the country that's made it their mission to kill our pets and make our teeth fall out with antifreeze-based toothpaste, is now targeting our children. Actually, I was kind of confused when I read this statement. Almost as confused as when my dad gave me a shovel and told me to dig half a hole in the backyard to hide all of the nose hairs he'd been collecting. I don't understand why a little lead should get in the way of having fun. Lead is not only the metal of the future, it's the metal of right this very second.

I’ve decided to pass down some of my old toys to my kids so they can learn to appreciate the past and stop yapping for 5 minutes hopefully. My toys are all in excellent condition because I took great pride in having fun and also because my father never let me actually play with them. At Christmas he would unwrap them for me and put them on a shelf way up high so I couldn’t reach. Then every Christmas after that I was taken to the room with the shelf of toys and was allowed to stare at them for 10 minutes. Then dad would drink Christmas dinner and tell us all why he was sleeping around on mom.

A lot of these toys are not only lead based, their lead specific. They've got so much lead in them they make a number 2 pencil look like a 0.25 pencil. And that's the way I want it to be. Hell my parents would've let me ride in the wheel well of our station wagon if it meant I'd stop bugging them to pull over for A&W. So people just need to stop over protecting their kids or else we'll have a nation of Carson Kressley's running around suing everyone for every "boo-boo" that they get.

Here's some toys that I had growing up so that when my kids play with them they'll understand what it means to live in the land of freedom.

Cranky the Crankshaft










We’d have hours and hours of fun jabbing this thing into other people’s stomachs, sticking it into light sockets and baking it in the oven. After 3 hours on 550 degrees motor oil tastes a lot more like dark chocolate than most of those food purists would like to admit. Cranky wasn’t only fun, he was durable. Ours came from a 1945 Jeep so if it could withstand the Battle of the Bulge it could handle some snot nosed kids no problem if you ask me.

Grill Boy & Leaf Girl














Grill boy was all we had left of our toy truck after my dad sold the rest for a bottle of Beefeater. He said the guy at the pawn shop wouldn't take the grill because it smelled of urine. Oh you should've seen the adventures he and leaf girl would get into sitting in the driveway. They had awesome super powers like the ability to bore your friends until they left you alone. Leaf Girl could take on any enemy I had but her life was tragically cut short during the great leaf blower phase of '83.

Radiation Detection Kit & Super Slide
















This kit was given to all kids ages 7- to 7 and 2 months in grades 2-3. Apparently those are the specific ages most susceptible to radiation or that’s what my parents told us so they wouldn’t have to buy any for my brothers. We would take turns dressing up like those scary scientist guys in E.T. and wander the neighborhood late at night screaming about nuclear attacks. The kit would have also doubled as a Halloween costume if we weren’t forbidden to celebrate it.

I can't show you the actual kit because it disintegrated when my dad actually tried to use it during the Cuban Missle Crisis. You'd think Sears would have a reliable team of scientists working on radiation detection but I guess they just enjoy having their reputation go down the tubes. The Super Slide was just the box laid out flat and we would spray it with water and then run and fall on it face first. Not fun at all really but it was better then looking like some egghead.

Well there she be, the three toys I was allowed to play with as a kid and the three toys that all twelve of my kids fight over like the Olsen twins fight over Exlax.

Baggage Check Blues

Flying can be a stressful event even on the best of days. I should know, the last time I got on a plane the in-flight movie was “Are We There Yet?” I almost tried to set my shoes alight just to spare everyone from it. For me, the worst thing about flying isn’t actually the flying. Mostly because I take enough Ketamin to subdue Hannibal’s army of flying elephants. Well I mean if they had Ketamin back in those days or if we had Hannibal in this day and age but I guess if Hannibal was around now he’d be using something cooler than elephants, cheetahs maybe. So it was a bad example but the point I’m trying to get across is, is that I hate airports in general and when I go to one I go Nick Nolte style or I don’t travel, simple as that.

There are important things to remember even before traveling to an airport. One thing is how to pack efficiently. Now, forget about those bulky suitcases. There’s nothing that a liquor store bag can’t handle. Just think to yourself, if it can protect my Old Milwaukee, it can protect my digital camera too. I even prepared Beth’s purse for her. It’s not Target material but it gets the job done, plus it might start a new fashion trends. You know how stupid people are these days.






You'll need extra tape to reattach the cell phone









Another way to avoid those pesky "no weapons" rules is to improvise. I mean, this is America, it's my right to bear arms even if I'm 30,000 feet in the air. What if my kids drive me to the point of Richard Reid-ness and I need to bear-mace them to sleep like I do whenever the carnival is in town? These are things the good folks at Delta need to consider the next time they label me a security threat just because I show up at the baggage check looking like Rambo on his way to Afghanistan. Ways in which I get around this little problem is to hide weapons within my belt, in fact, make my belt a weapon unto itself. Then make sure to go to the airport commando. When the screener asks to see your belt just close your eyes and let God's miracle do the talkin'. They'll be so shocked to see you standing there with nothing between them and your trouser snake but dead air that they won't even bother to look at your belt.





Works fine as long as you never sit down








Finally I'd like to address the most stupid rule in aviation next to the new no smoking laws. I'm talkin' about the "no liquids" policy. I've never seen someone try to blow anything up with liquids besides on Die Hard 3 and even then Bruce Willis defused it with attitude alone. But you don't have to worry about that rule thanks to what is probably the greatest invention known to man. Introducing, The Beer Belly.

















Now usually I don't shill for any product that's not my own. And by that I mean A&E's. Please don't tell them about the Beer Belly, the last time I complained about our time slot they had Gene Simmons set my car on fire. I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that I would wholeheartedly endorse this product. It's a revolutionary device that hides under your clothes, feels like real skin and lets you drink beer whenever and wherever. That's right, stuck in traffic? Bored in Church? Tired of long lines at graduation? Well wave bye-bye to all that crap because the Beer Belly lets you get shit-faced any time of the day in any social setting.

It holds up to a six pack of beer. Just think, instead of paying $5 for a beer at a sporting event you can sit the entire game with over 80 ounces of alcohol sloshing around your midsection, soaking in all your sweat and body heat. Mmmmmm-hmmmm tasty! The convenient drinking spout can be ran up and out of your AC/DC shirt or out of your pant's zipper. Either way you'll have everyone assuming that you beat women regularly.

And don't worry about getting caught, the Beer Belly is so authentic people will just assume you're pregnant or morbidly obese so the joke is on them. So fill this thing up with your favorite drinks and lets go a-flyin! None of the snooty flight attendants will notice a 3/4 inch tube shooting liquid out of your shirt. And if all else fails, just go to the bathroom every 5 minutes to get even more drunk, the rest of the passengers won't mind! So take it from me, the Beer Belly will get you drunk where you never thought possible or I'll eat my own cowyboy boots, I will too. So if you're not drunk at work in 30 days after purchasing the Beer Belly send it back and we'll clean it out and try to resell it to some other sucker.