Baggage Check Blues

Flying can be a stressful event even on the best of days. I should know, the last time I got on a plane the in-flight movie was “Are We There Yet?” I almost tried to set my shoes alight just to spare everyone from it. For me, the worst thing about flying isn’t actually the flying. Mostly because I take enough Ketamin to subdue Hannibal’s army of flying elephants. Well I mean if they had Ketamin back in those days or if we had Hannibal in this day and age but I guess if Hannibal was around now he’d be using something cooler than elephants, cheetahs maybe. So it was a bad example but the point I’m trying to get across is, is that I hate airports in general and when I go to one I go Nick Nolte style or I don’t travel, simple as that.

There are important things to remember even before traveling to an airport. One thing is how to pack efficiently. Now, forget about those bulky suitcases. There’s nothing that a liquor store bag can’t handle. Just think to yourself, if it can protect my Old Milwaukee, it can protect my digital camera too. I even prepared Beth’s purse for her. It’s not Target material but it gets the job done, plus it might start a new fashion trends. You know how stupid people are these days.






You'll need extra tape to reattach the cell phone









Another way to avoid those pesky "no weapons" rules is to improvise. I mean, this is America, it's my right to bear arms even if I'm 30,000 feet in the air. What if my kids drive me to the point of Richard Reid-ness and I need to bear-mace them to sleep like I do whenever the carnival is in town? These are things the good folks at Delta need to consider the next time they label me a security threat just because I show up at the baggage check looking like Rambo on his way to Afghanistan. Ways in which I get around this little problem is to hide weapons within my belt, in fact, make my belt a weapon unto itself. Then make sure to go to the airport commando. When the screener asks to see your belt just close your eyes and let God's miracle do the talkin'. They'll be so shocked to see you standing there with nothing between them and your trouser snake but dead air that they won't even bother to look at your belt.





Works fine as long as you never sit down








Finally I'd like to address the most stupid rule in aviation next to the new no smoking laws. I'm talkin' about the "no liquids" policy. I've never seen someone try to blow anything up with liquids besides on Die Hard 3 and even then Bruce Willis defused it with attitude alone. But you don't have to worry about that rule thanks to what is probably the greatest invention known to man. Introducing, The Beer Belly.

















Now usually I don't shill for any product that's not my own. And by that I mean A&E's. Please don't tell them about the Beer Belly, the last time I complained about our time slot they had Gene Simmons set my car on fire. I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that I would wholeheartedly endorse this product. It's a revolutionary device that hides under your clothes, feels like real skin and lets you drink beer whenever and wherever. That's right, stuck in traffic? Bored in Church? Tired of long lines at graduation? Well wave bye-bye to all that crap because the Beer Belly lets you get shit-faced any time of the day in any social setting.

It holds up to a six pack of beer. Just think, instead of paying $5 for a beer at a sporting event you can sit the entire game with over 80 ounces of alcohol sloshing around your midsection, soaking in all your sweat and body heat. Mmmmmm-hmmmm tasty! The convenient drinking spout can be ran up and out of your AC/DC shirt or out of your pant's zipper. Either way you'll have everyone assuming that you beat women regularly.

And don't worry about getting caught, the Beer Belly is so authentic people will just assume you're pregnant or morbidly obese so the joke is on them. So fill this thing up with your favorite drinks and lets go a-flyin! None of the snooty flight attendants will notice a 3/4 inch tube shooting liquid out of your shirt. And if all else fails, just go to the bathroom every 5 minutes to get even more drunk, the rest of the passengers won't mind! So take it from me, the Beer Belly will get you drunk where you never thought possible or I'll eat my own cowyboy boots, I will too. So if you're not drunk at work in 30 days after purchasing the Beer Belly send it back and we'll clean it out and try to resell it to some other sucker.