Toys for Thought

Toys are an important part of childhood, well not my childhood but I'm sure somewhere out there some stupid kid likes toys so just run with this for a few seconds. That's why I was a bit miffed after reading this statement by some internet reporter:

"Mattel inc is recalling 1.5 million Chinese made toys amid fears the paint may contain too much lead"

China, the country that's made it their mission to kill our pets and make our teeth fall out with antifreeze-based toothpaste, is now targeting our children. Actually, I was kind of confused when I read this statement. Almost as confused as when my dad gave me a shovel and told me to dig half a hole in the backyard to hide all of the nose hairs he'd been collecting. I don't understand why a little lead should get in the way of having fun. Lead is not only the metal of the future, it's the metal of right this very second.

I’ve decided to pass down some of my old toys to my kids so they can learn to appreciate the past and stop yapping for 5 minutes hopefully. My toys are all in excellent condition because I took great pride in having fun and also because my father never let me actually play with them. At Christmas he would unwrap them for me and put them on a shelf way up high so I couldn’t reach. Then every Christmas after that I was taken to the room with the shelf of toys and was allowed to stare at them for 10 minutes. Then dad would drink Christmas dinner and tell us all why he was sleeping around on mom.

A lot of these toys are not only lead based, their lead specific. They've got so much lead in them they make a number 2 pencil look like a 0.25 pencil. And that's the way I want it to be. Hell my parents would've let me ride in the wheel well of our station wagon if it meant I'd stop bugging them to pull over for A&W. So people just need to stop over protecting their kids or else we'll have a nation of Carson Kressley's running around suing everyone for every "boo-boo" that they get.

Here's some toys that I had growing up so that when my kids play with them they'll understand what it means to live in the land of freedom.

Cranky the Crankshaft










We’d have hours and hours of fun jabbing this thing into other people’s stomachs, sticking it into light sockets and baking it in the oven. After 3 hours on 550 degrees motor oil tastes a lot more like dark chocolate than most of those food purists would like to admit. Cranky wasn’t only fun, he was durable. Ours came from a 1945 Jeep so if it could withstand the Battle of the Bulge it could handle some snot nosed kids no problem if you ask me.

Grill Boy & Leaf Girl














Grill boy was all we had left of our toy truck after my dad sold the rest for a bottle of Beefeater. He said the guy at the pawn shop wouldn't take the grill because it smelled of urine. Oh you should've seen the adventures he and leaf girl would get into sitting in the driveway. They had awesome super powers like the ability to bore your friends until they left you alone. Leaf Girl could take on any enemy I had but her life was tragically cut short during the great leaf blower phase of '83.

Radiation Detection Kit & Super Slide
















This kit was given to all kids ages 7- to 7 and 2 months in grades 2-3. Apparently those are the specific ages most susceptible to radiation or that’s what my parents told us so they wouldn’t have to buy any for my brothers. We would take turns dressing up like those scary scientist guys in E.T. and wander the neighborhood late at night screaming about nuclear attacks. The kit would have also doubled as a Halloween costume if we weren’t forbidden to celebrate it.

I can't show you the actual kit because it disintegrated when my dad actually tried to use it during the Cuban Missle Crisis. You'd think Sears would have a reliable team of scientists working on radiation detection but I guess they just enjoy having their reputation go down the tubes. The Super Slide was just the box laid out flat and we would spray it with water and then run and fall on it face first. Not fun at all really but it was better then looking like some egghead.

Well there she be, the three toys I was allowed to play with as a kid and the three toys that all twelve of my kids fight over like the Olsen twins fight over Exlax.