Three Mile Island Club

For a fun road trip I’m going to take the family to see Three Mile Island. That place really intrigues me, mainly because I didn’t know it existed until I found it by accident while looking for reruns of Temptation Island on the Google. After doing an extensive 15 second research project on the place, I’ve determined that Three Mile Island has gotten a bad rap over the years and now I must proclaim my disgust at the world through the internet like every good Christian should do. Sure, it suffered a meltdown in 1979 and forever tarnished the image of nuclear power in our brains. I mean, who cares about Chernobyl, this happened on our soil people. It’s time we polish this disaster up a bit to make it look like we wanted it to happen, for our children, and our children’s children’s extra ears.

First of all, the meltdown at Three Mile Island created new jobs, negative? I don’t think so, unless you’re a communist and want everyone to work together in harmony and all that bullshit. Before the meltdown there wasn’t need for a PR guy, or “Flack” as they like to say in the “biz”. And by “biz” I mean that nuclear disasters are America’s problem, so every other country out there can mind their own "biz"-ness. After the disaster there were more cameras on the island then in Paris Hilton’s bedroom and the need to lie to reporters about the danger was created. Supply and demand is a beautiful thing.













Here we see a different kind of flack, not relevant but still pretty cool

Not only that, it brought to our attention that we might want to include nuclear safety technicians and inspectors with the whole nuclear power thing. As annoying as these kinds of people are, they are a necessity in today’s society if you want to be safe and more importantly, avoid lawsuits. I can’t tell you how many times I hear from these human rights panty-wastes saying “Dog, you can’t slap convicts around”, “Dog, verbal abuse towards your wife is just as damaging as physical abuse”, “Dog, stop hitting my knees with a crowbar” and on and on, it never stops really. I have a good way of dealing with it though, I don’t listen to them. I shut them out like Robin Williams shuts out common sense when choosing scripts.

I shouldn’t make fun of the inspectors though, without them we’d have no Homer Simpson. I don’t know if cartoons will make it in this age of Itoilets and Intendos but I’ll be rooting for them. I just keep thinking of what happened to the Smurfs after they aired that “Papa Smurf Roots out the Capitalist Scum” episode, total nosedive. Sad really.












"Let the ruling class and Gargamel tremble at our Smurf-tastic uprising"

Then you’re gonna have your liberal chicken littles saying that Three Mile Island caused health problems in the area and I don’t want to die boo hoo hoo. Well guess what? Andy Kadak, a professor at MIT (Men Investigating Trouble) sees things a little differently. He says the radiation distributed during the TMI incident was:

“less than what was emitted by nuclear weapons testing back in the '50s or '60s”.

Suck on that plutonium rod you hippie assholes! The radiation that we sucked in during a complete meltdown was less than what the government was purposely exposing us to in the first place and the I think the government knows a little something about how much radiation we’re supposed to absorb so stop with your whining right now or I’ll turn this blog around and go home I swear to Christ.

Wait a minute, MIT, TMI…coincidence? I hardly think so. They were meant to be, you can’t stand in the way of whoever God put in charge of causing goo to come out of those power plant towers. Also, think of the entertainment industry. With nuclear power coming back into play, Michael Bay has a whole new genre to ruin. Now, instead of making shitty movies about welders becoming astronauts in three hours he can do one about skateboarders becoming nuclear safety technicians who must save the east coast from destruction all by walking in front of a sunset slow motion. Oooooh I get goosebumps just thinking about it, nuclear goosebumps.









"5 minutes to core meltdown? Ok that's enough time to work on this Ollie right dude?"





And if that’s not enough to whet yer glowing whistle, having the chance of being exposed to radiation increases the chance of nearby residents gaining super powers somehow. I might move to Pennsylvania just in case I can gain the ability to see through denim. Nuclear powered weapons are also the wave of the future, every country’s got them, they just don’t want everyone knowing about it.

It’s like when you were a kid and your mom bought you the Mossman Masters of the Universe toy but your didn’t want your friends knowing about it because you know those idiots would ruin it so you played with him in secret in the backyard where only you could enjoy him and then you went to get something from the barn and came back and you couldn’t find him because he was green, so green and it wasn’t his fault that he was the same color as the grass and you looked and looked but still couldn’t find him and it got dark and he was gone and now you scream his name out in the night….






Farewell furry soldier









Yeah so anyway chew on that for a while before you jump into the “I hate nuclear technology” line at the local Freedom Haters meeting. Peace out yo.