Grizzly Chapmans

I love camping, it’s one of the things you simply have to do during the summer, like chasing fireflies and purchasing a hooker. I can remember when I was wee lad, I used to have so much fun camping during the hot summer months. Usually I was just hiding in the woods from my abusive family but I was able to make a sleeping bag out of brush and a lean-to from all the dead raccoons my dad used to shoot. Then I'd spend all night talking to a stump, oh we'd spin a few yarns I tell you. Childhood, if ya don’t cherish it, somebody else will.

That’s why last weekend I took the hoard on what I’d hoped would be an awesome camping trip. Like everything I do in life, I needed to prepare myself to be cut off from the luxuries we take for granted in today’s world like microwaves, toasters and pirated Dutch porn. That’s why I rented an bunch of movies to get me in the mindset. These included The Great Outdoors, in case I get attacked by a pissed off bear with no hair on its ass, The complete Friday the 13th series so I can both fend off a psychotic killer and to learn how to dispose of some bodies in case things get hairy and I become the psychotic killer. And lastly Deliverance in case the shit really hits the fan and I need to start offing some rednecks.

Packing didn’t go as smooth as I wanted it, it never does. You see, I’m the kind of guy who likes to make sure he has the essentials on a big trip like this whereas Beth wants to pack everything she owns, she’d take the doorknobs if I’d let her.

I figured there were a few things that were absolutely necessary. First off, bug spray. Not only do you need bug spray to ward off swarms of flesh eating mosquitoes, you need something stronger then just those wussy cans. And don’t worry, this isn’t turning into an episode of Home Improvement, I’m just the type that knows when modifications must be made.












The Fuji Bug Disintegrator 6500 is guaranteed to eliminate all pests and foliage within a 500 mile radius. I had a few canisters of this stuff in the kids’ closet left over from my days in ‘Nam. That was back in the good ole days when we had that crazy fuck Kissinger telling us to kill everything in site, no questions asked. Man we could use a guy like that today.


So to run the sprayer I’m gonna need a little extra power then just the lighter socket in the car so I went to The Home Depot and asked them where I could find a real hardware store because The Home Depot sucks. They directed me to a wreckage site where I could land me something worth paying my hard earned clams for.
















The BALDOR generator connects easily to any trailer hitch and can provide full power to a city the size of Houston.

Next up I needed some protection from the mosquitoes. A hardware store bug net simply won't cut it where we're going, Blissful Dreams Campground, or as I like to call it, Dead Man's Land.







This should be enough to keep me protected from mosquitoes, houseflies, blackflies, horseflies, deerflies, parrotflies and an outbreak of ebola.





To augment my suit, I needed a utility knife. I know what you’re thinking “Ooooh go with a Swiss Army knife”. Well guess what? Swiss Army knives are for girl scouts and the 4H Club. I needed something with balls, something that could open a can of Alphagettis’, trim a hangnail and skewer a wild boar at the same time.






Fits snugly in a suitcase





Speaking of food, we didn’t even have any Alphaghetti’s so after I threw a rage at Beth for not doing her share, I went back to the kids' closet and found some more ‘Nam memorabilia: my old army rations. I was able to stock up on these by trading stacks of pornography magazine. Some people say dry socks were the most valuable thing for a soldier in 'Nam, I say it was my pallet of "Bitches With Whips".

Army rations not only taste great, they teach you what its like to be out there in the shit, all alone, with nobody to comfort you but a 10 year old skin mag and an M-16. Those rations were better then any Thanksgiving dinner my mother ever made. That’s the truth by the way, my mom was so drunk one year she cooked a rubber chicken. The dressing was still ok though.












Vomit again, for the first time




Once we got the entertainment system all set along with the speakers and Beth’s panty drawer fumigated and packed, we were all ready to go. The car was a bit heavy but I just replaced the shocks twelve years ago so I figured it could handle the strain.








“Leland, can you climb out and get me the Kleenex? It's in the beige bag”






The campground itself wasn't like I'd pictured it from the brochure, which pictured waterfalls, calm whirpools, hot tubs and mud baths. It certainly had a water theme.







At least the kids had leeches to play with



It was definitely not a very good time. Next year I think I'll scrap the camping trip and just "focus on the family" as all the kids say these days. But if I know me, I'll probably just end up dropping the kids off at a rendering plant so I can check into a Motel and get a full seven hours sleep for once in my life.