Sure, sometimes I get sore, achy muscles but that’s nothing some fine Lakota Joint Formula can’t fix. I gotta be honest, the first time a pharmacist told me about “Lakota Joint Formula” I thought he’d gone to live with some indelicious people or something and learned how to make killer honey oil for my blunts. It’s almost as good though, just make sure you smear that stuff on your shoulders and not your weed, phew, that was a strange night in the compost bin.
For those long, tiring days of trampling the rights of Natives
On top of getting sore all the time, your mind goes somewhat funky when you’re older. The other day Beth told me she was getting worried about me when she listened in on a board meeting I was having in our bedroom with my favorite G.I. Joes. She said I was chastising Shipwreck because his parrot kept crapping all over the place and yelling that if there’s one thing as CEO of this house I don’t tolerate, it’s avian feces on my pillow. Then I listened intently as Barbecue brought up the all important issue of having flame retardant suits for me with these meth heads getting more and more sophisticated but then Footloose interjected saying BBQ was full of shit because everyone knows meth heads could never figure out how to operate a flame thrower. Then Dusty told Footloose to smoke another joint and shut up. I guess Footloose’s description on the back of his box says it all
"Some of the Joes think that Footloose is out there, but all he's trying to do is find himself".
I agreed with this sentiment and told Footloose it was ok because we are one in same, me and him. As Beth was telling me this story, of which I had no recollection, she screamed because as I was listening I had leaned forward all contemplative like and managed to place both hands on the open waffle iron. Good thing years of blocking punches in high school and fixing hot water heaters without gloves made my hands as calloused and leathery as Maria Shriver’s face. I also beat off a lot too, that might have had something to do with it.
"Year! It be only a matter of time till me leg joints no longer support me bodeee"
Because my meeting with my colleagues was a complete hallucination, and I found myself brushing my teeth this morning with Cheez Whiz, I felt obligated to do some thinking about my future on this planet. So after I got off the toilet I had some pretty nice ideas lined up to help me survive and conquer the fast paced world of crime and punishment and those of us who capitalize on it.
"Healthy Brain" Memory Pills from Shen Clinic
The Shen Clinic is Paraguay's number one brain and athlete's foot clinic. Their memory pills will make sure that I walk outdoors with my pants on and remember which detention facilities our kids are currently at. There's a warning on the label that says "Not approved by the FDA" but who cares what those crooks think anyway. The Shen Clinic says to take their pills as directed, which means 14 at a time while eating corned beef and only corned beef. Failure to take the pills while eating said beef will result in what the clinic calls "traumatic ass-collapse".
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink
Two of the greatest things ever, Steven Seagal and Thailand, have combined flabby forces and produced one of the most potent energy drinks allowed on the market. Claiming to have the same effect as a paramedic's defibrillator, Lightning Bolt will turn a sluggish, boring day at the office into a productive experience leaving your co-workers assuming you snort coke, so it's a win-win situation. Lightning Bolt should not be taken by pregnant mothers, women thinking about getting pregnant or mothers against drunk driving.
Lipo Burn Fat Reducing Cream
From a bunch of people who think that those Hydroxycut commercials aren't annoying enough, comes Lipo Burn. Yes it's true, now you don't have to exercise or even get up off the floor to lose weight. Just have a loved one smear Lipo Burn on those unsightly and hard to reach obese areas and in as little as two weeks you'll start to see a major difference in your weight and your ability to breath! I for one stand by this product 100%. I not only bathe in it, I put it on my toast.
Cytosport Muscle Milk
This product does a much better job explaining itself then I can so here are few points from their interweb page:
"Muscle Milk contains metabolically favorable ingredients that stimulate growth and recovery in a similar manner to mother's milk nourishing a baby"
FINALLY, you have no idea how long I spend wandering the isles of Kroeger's looking for a meal replacement that tastes exactly like breast milk.
Muscle Milk suggests the following drinking regiment:
"One glass 30 minutes before your workout
One glass during your workout
One glass an hour after your workout
One glass in the evening before bed"
That's it? I'd figured with something that yummy you'd have it set up intravenously or at least with one of those party beer hat things.
Well well well, looks like I just got the upper hand on Mr. Crookety-Crook with all of these stellar products. I'll slowly introduce them to my normal routine of doing nothing and hope for the best, watch out world.
1 comment:
Please!!!!I just googled "pilgrims and dancing" and you came up! This is the very best laugh I have had all week, and I only read the post about China and toys. Don't know whether you are still alive, but when my thesis is published, I am sending you a copy for whatever you may wish to do with it, read it, kindling,etal. Anyway, thank you.
Leaf girl.
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