I’m not fussy a drinker anyway and if I’m really desperate I’ll take the family on a tour of the Aqua Velva factory downtown. Yes, they have their own factory. It smells nice. Smells like grandpa. To drive this point home even further for those of you still not 100% sure on where I stand with this issue and to ensure I can squeeze in another stupid joke, it’s like saying “I really like Nike shoes, I think I’ll hop on a plane to Taiwan and punch the first person I see in the face”. It makes sense people, deal with it.
mis prostitutas adoran la manera que huelo
I didn’t let my rant on the phone with my good friend what’s-his-name to get me down though. In fact, I’m pretty stoked. I’m as happy as Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter reading. This is because I found out today that many of my offspring are headed to camp for a few weeks. After I stopped doing “The Bird” on the kitchen table (FYI: invented by Pee Wee Herman after he watched Full Metal Jacket) I decided to help my kids get ready.
It’s good to know that there are still kids nowadays that want to do wholesome activities and that those activities take them away from my everyday life. You gotta agree with me though, kids today don’t want to get in touch with wilderness. All they wanna do is go Ipoding or play on their Nintendos. To make things worse, there are even some kids who still just wanna zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, if you know what I mean. And If you do know please call me and let me know because I could never figure that song out. I hear that the lead singer from Wreckx-N-Effect is working at Pottery Barn just down the road from here so maybe I’ll ask him the next time I feel like paying $45 for a candle.
Unemployment-N-Effect
As I was helping my kids pack, I thought I would fill them in on my experiences from camping, in between giggling fits that is. I just couldn’t help it, it’s like finding out that there really is a Santa Claus and that he doesn’t really do disgusting things to your mother when you walk in on her on Christmas Eve…it’s that kind of giddiness. So, here are the best things that I remember from going to camp in Colorado in whatever time period that may have been. They may not necessarily be the best things but they are most definitely things.
1. Dog Fight Mondays
Dog fights aren’t just for NFL quarterbacks, anyone can do it! And at summer camps in the 1960s, it wasn’t something you signed up for, it was mandatory and taken very, very seriously. Each child was assigned a dog as they entered the camp. The dog they received depended on how well each child performed on a “general knowledge” quiz that they had been given weeks before entering. The dog I received was an Irosh Wolfhoud with mange.How was I supposed to know Mickey Mantle played baseball? Talk about obscure questions. So every Monday night you’d pit your dog against another, the winner was given ten S’mores and a metal marshmallow rod. The loser was sent to the meal hall to scrape vomit up from under all of the bench seats. Needless to say my wolfhound was swallowed whole by a Bullmastiff and I spent the rest of the summer kneeling in regurgitated scrambled eggs.
I probably should have spent more time working on his fighting technique
2. Phonebook Relay
This game was a real hoot. It wasn’t really a relay but it was still a lot of fun. Kids would line up and put a phone book in front of your face and then punch the book as hard as they can. You see, if you punch someone through a phone book it hurts like a bastard but it doesn’t leave any marks which makes it impossible to prove. One of the many miracles of science, kids. Then, when everyone in your cabin had a turn, you were given noogies and nipple twists until you were numb. This wasn’t a real popular game with the rest of the camp, just the guys in my cabin who hated me because I had uncontrollable flatulence.
3. Campfire sing-alongs
Not many people know this but American summer camps is where Simon Cowell stole the idea for American Idol or Shepard's Pie Idol or whatever it's called over there in la-la land across the ocean. In my day, campfire sing-alongs weren't the friendly, laid back events that you see on Yogi Bear and Friday the 13th movies. They were hard core, grueling singing sessions that lasted from 9:00pm until noon the next day. Kids were tied to each other and made to dance in unision as they sang "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore" until it they reached perfect pitch. If anybody went out of key they were tagged in the sac with the camp counselor's brass knuckles. Winners were allowed to keep their manhood while losers were given a 5 inch tent spike for breakfast the next day.
"Row Row Row Your Boat...SING you little shits! Sing or I'll throw you into the fucking lake!"
4. Deliver-dance
You know the Irish cult phenomenon Riverdance, where homosexuals dress like nymphs and have orgies in front of little kids? Well, picture having to do all of that but instead of nymphs everyone has to dress like Burt Reynolds and instead of kicking in unision everybody "squeals like a pig" in unison.
Ahh summer camp, that awkward stage in life when you are forced to live with equally screwed up kids who don't want to be there, throw mother nature's unmerciful rage into the mix with a dash of abusive camp leaders and you've got yourself a perfect summer right there. I only hope that my kids will take the same thing from camp that I did, my counselor's wallet.
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