Know When to Run

We’re getting a new secretary for the office. I’ve officially put Beth on secretarial probation because it turns out she’s been spending most of her time at the computer gambling in some online casino and buying cartons of blush by the pallet. I’m not even sure how those interweb casinos work but I know it can’t be wholesome. The last time I did anything close to that was playing “Casino Kid” on my Nintendo and even then I knew it was stupid. I mean, how do they enforce casino laws through the computer? Does some cartoon pit boss send you angry computer letters? Do they break your connection instead of your fingers? And how are you supposed to cheat? I mean, that’s what makes going to a casino fun.















"Excuse me but I've gotta run to the bank and get some groceries for a bit, you guys are cool with that right?"

I can still remember my childhood trips to Vegas. My dad would sit at the blackjack table drinking himself tolerable with a hidden camera in his hair while I sat in a bathroom stall sending him electronic messages in the form of tiny electric shocks, telling him which cards had been counted. Of course it all went downhill when the woman sitting next to dad said “Wow, you’re really doing well, sugar ”. And he replied “Yeah well, you would be too if you knew what I knew, now why don’t you be a doll and get daddy a scotch?” while winking suggestively. Alcohol made him tell the truth, or at least tell the truth that he was a compulsive liar and a cheat. If only we had “Gambleversity” back then, we would’ve been prepared. Regarding cheating at blackjack, Gambleversity says the following:

"Cheating is certainly not recommended, not legal and in no way endorsed by Gambleversity. But, for the sake of education, this course will deal with ways for a player to cheat at blackjack."







"Welcome to Gambleversity, I'm Dean Machine"








Bravo, Gambleversity, you dodged a bullet there! Way to cover yourself. I’m thinking of enrolling my kids into Gambleversity, for many reasons, too many to list here. But some of the reasons I would like to have my kids attend Gambleversity is because preying on people’s vices is a good way to make a quick buck and I just like saying the word Gambleversity. Gambleversity. Gambleversi-tay.

Gambleversity even publishes scholarly articles on the art of gambling. Well, they only have one article so far but that’s a start! Take it easy on them, they’ve only been a university for three years and it takes time to be accepted into the academic community. Just ask the “New Jersey Turnpike College for Can Collectors and Graffiti Artists” they’ve been fighting the fight for far too long if you ask me.







School pride runs deep at Gambleversity









The article Gambleversity has published is by worldwide renown professor and dog walker Colette Roulings. Professor Rouling’s insights into the world of gambling are intriguing and stimulate further discussion. For instance, Roulings suggests playing Roulette instead of Blackjack because

“Blackjack has rules to follow and well, rules suck.” Tru dat! I’m sure as a professor you get forced to follow all kinds of stupid rules that “the man” slaps down on you. Rules like “no plagiarizing” “no sexually harassing students”, “no peeing in the drinking fountain” and so on. Stick it to ‘em Rouling!

Roulette Colette isn’t done there, she has more wind in her pipe, lets listen shall we?

“If you get too drunk and stop following the rules, some geezer in seat 2 will start blaming your bad plays for all his loses”.

Again with those rules, how dare you random Casino? Personally, absolutely hate it when I go to a casino with my girlfriends (holla), get shit-faced drunk, start rolling a set of dice at the Texas Hold ‘Em Table and have to listen to some “geezer” bitch about me not following the “rules” that are “handed down” by the “American Gaming Association”. You gonna live your whole life like a slave, or are ya gonna join me and whats-her-name and show those fat cats in Vegas who really runs the town? I thought so.





An excited student enrolled in the combined "Triple 7's & Craps" Degree








But wait, Colette has more things in her brain:


“Ok, now here's how to make $20 or $40 last you All Night. Bet the inside and bet only the minimum every time…I've walked away $100 up at a 50 cents table, but usually I walk after a few hours, $20 down, drunk and happy. On to the next Casino!”

$20 dollars down and drunk? Where do I sign up for this university? Tell me Col, does “All Night” mean “until I have no money and have to give hand jobs on the strip for taxi fare home?” Just wondering kk tks.

There are so many wonderful attributes to this university that I could spend many more seconds talking about them. I guess the story on why we are taking Beth off the desk and putting her on jockstrap cleaning duty will have to wait for another day. So, until next time, keep a stiff upper lip and do as Colette does, gamble your savings into the shitter!