One Giant Swig For Mankind

A lot of people have been talking about this Simpson's movie that's out. I for one am happy to see that Nick and Jessica finally made the leap to the big screen. I sure hope those kooky kids can make things work. Chicken of the sea, man that had me howling for ages. Someone told me to celebrate this movie you could go on the interweb and make an "avatar" to show your support. I made one up for me and I think it's a pretty accurate representation except for the jaundice-like skin and the four fingers. I don't think these kinds of gimmicks will really work but whatever floats their boats. I'm all for supporting young couples. I was in a fresh, young relationship once too, when I was in preschool. Everything after that is just old hat to be honest.







They wouldn't let me do an anatomically correct one

Now that I've got that behind me I wanna talk about the status of this country's astronauts. NASA, the company that brought you the 1969 moon landing and nothing else, recently released a report stating that:

"On at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons warned they were so drunk they posed a flight safety risk"

First of all, flight surgeons? Why am I paying my hard earned evaded tax dollars to have doctors in space? Are astronauts that accident prone or are we just sending up a bunch Lewie Andersons who are one bag of freeze dried pot roast away from having blood shoot from their ears? How do they hold their scapels in zero G?

Actually, I've just had a really good idea, imagine ER in space. It'd have all the drama of ER in Chicago plus the added danger of having your body implode from all the space pressure. The tag-line for the show could be "In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Prescribe OxyContin for Yourself".






"Sorry Zyblorg, I'm afraid we're going to have to remove that tentacle"









It doesn't stop there, NASA claims that an astronaut was so drunk at one point he was refused entry onto his spaceship and that

"when launch was postponed, that drunk astronaut got in a NASA T-38 jet and flew off from Kennedy Space Center, despite protests by another astronaut from that crew who alerted management"

I'm not sure what a NASA T-38 jet is but since it has the word "jet" in it I'm assuming it's powered by a "jet engine" meaning it probably goes pretty fast. So the fact that it was powered by a loaded astronaut is not only amazing, it's freaking awesome! Way to stick it to the man Major Tom. That right there shows how committed our astronauts are to getting the job done. I can't go into space? Fuck you then I'll just hop into this jet and fly straight towards the sun until I run out of fuel or break up in Earth's atmosphere, take that! I bet the other astronaut who was protesting was just pissed because he didn't take him with him.







"Just set her down in the captain's chair Phil, she's good to go"








NASA's determination to shoot their reputation to Jupiter's moons continues with yet another report of a stellar astronuat:

"In another incident, a NASA astronaut reportedly launched to the space station from Russia while under the influence"

Now, to be fair, he was launching from Russia. I hear those guys have wet bars set up all over the Milky Way. Our boys shouldn't be taking flak for what was probably second hand vodka ingestion from those Ruskies.

NASA says that astornauts are quarantined for a week before they take off for any space mission but that alcohol is "freely available". I see where NASA is coming from now. One time I went to Aruba and got "quarantined" at a tequila bar for seventeen hours and when I came out I needed to get a needle in the ass.















"Has anyone seen a really tall space ship around here?...Man I just spewed in my helmet"

Apparently NASA has a strict 12 hour "bottle to the throttle" rule. I have the same rule at home, if anyone touches my bottles, someone's gettin' throttled. It's good to see that NASA has a sign in the bathroom warning anyone against drinking before they commandeer a multi million dollar ship into outer space. It's like having the exit doors on a prison for child rapists operate on the honor system.

This NASA panel was created after former astronaut and current constipation spoksewoman Lisa Nowak drove something like a million miles to attack a woman who was space-courting a fellow astronaut. I tell ya, if you think a soap opera show based in NASA couldn't work you're as stupid as Buzz Aldrin. I think I'd call it Space Soap: The Final Brasier. Until NASA gets their act together I'm gonna apply to be an astronaut, I figure it'll be just like spring break at Orlando only the food will be better.