That’s why I took the kids to the Museum of Television and Radio last spring instead of making them sit in a stuffy school and write exams. The museum was amazing, I was blown away at all of the exhibits and the virtual tour into Lee Marvin’s body. You could actually watch his liver being eaten away from the time he started drinking at age seven until he died! The wonders of life are here folks, you just gotta know where to find them. Another notable thing in the museum was the Stereotype-off with a robotic Don Rickles. You had to scream racial remarks into a speaker next to the Rickles Robot and if he laughed at it your score on the Honky-O-Meter would rise. If you reached the Michael Richards stage, you were golden. I’m not sure what you won though, I got eliminated in the Burt Reynolds Round.
Also, if you’re with kids, I highly recommend the “Feed The Dom” play ride. Kids get to fly down a waterslide into the mouth of a giant Dom DeLuise. You’ll hear them hoot with laughter as they get ‘chewed’ up, swallowed, digested by apple juice stomach acid and crapped out onto a makeshift beach, just like the real Dom does! 5 stars for that one. I’ve got some great pictures if you want them. One of my kids got caught in the giant colon made from Goodyear tires and had to be pried out with a javelin, another keeper for the photo album. And by that I mean our car’s glove compartment.
"Stop thinking about frog's legs, stop thinking about frog's legs..my god you have a problem man"
Now, I’m telling you all this for a reason. In case you didn’t already realize, I write everything here for a reason. For instance, if you take the first letter from every sentence of every one of the posts here, it will provide you with an astonishing secret: that synchronicity is in the eye of the beholder and you should seriously look into finding some sort of employment or at least go breakdance on the sidewalk for change.
But yeah, I am telling you this for a reason because I just found out from a reliable source that in England, they make you have a license to watch television. That’s right, one of our guaranteed rights in the Constitution is being whored out in Hobbitville. They even patrol the streets in top secret television detector vans. My reliable source is the English homeless guy who sits outside of the Dollar Store and calls himself Jesus' Toejam. Why he came all the way over here to be a bum is beyond me, I guess our sidewalks are softer or something. And how he got all the way over here from England is another one of those mysteries that I’m hoping you can overlook.
"Just thinking out loud here Winston, but maybe we shouldn't have painted 'Television Detection' on the side of the van"
Jesus' Toejam tells me that you need to have a license to watch TV in England and that it’s really expensive and that’s why his wife left him because he couldn’t afford to pay the extra cost for reruns of The Jeffersons and it made her really mad. Plus he says the police over there have machine guns for arms and make you pay parking tickets in tea bags. Not just any tea, Earl Grey tea. Those bastards. Whether you believe that or not you can’t take away from the fact that forcing people to have a license for television should be considered sacrilegious.
Intrigued by the idea of this cultural queerness, I went back to ask T.J. what you had to do to obtain this license. Was it similar to a driver's license exam like we have here in the U.S.? If you failed were you not allowed to buy a dvd player? These were the questions that burned within my brain and that only a raving homeless man could answer.
After he finished his meal of shoelaces and tinfoil, T.J. told me there were many stages to England's television license exam but he only had time to tell me about a few of them. Pulling up another bum to sit on, I listened intently.
First, there's the "Hide 'N Seek" round where you are placed within a makeshift house and a simulation is created where you are forced to locate the television remote while living with a female. Failure to find the remote within 5 minutes results in an instant fail.
Not sure if this counts as cheating or not
In the second stage you have to put batteries into both a TV remote and a dvd remote blindfolded while The Scissor Sisters play at top volume in your ears for distraction.
The third and final stage is the roughest. You must successfully navigate over 500 random channels without landing on an episode of CSI. Only a handful of people throughout history have managed to pass this round. "Throughout history" means since 2001.
Sounds pretty strange, but totally plausible! It's good to see that by spying on citizens, Britain is well on its way to becoming the Police State we've always wanted, it's like George Bush's wet dream. Way to go J.K. Bowling or whoever it is in charge over there!
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