The Seven Wonders of My World

So CNN has released the list for the new seven wonders of the world. The voting was all done online but I guess they didn’t get any of my votes because none of my picks were up there (more on that a little later). CNN said that “over 90 million votes had been cast for 21 sites…the voting created server-crushing traffic in its final hours”.

I’m not sure how to crush a server but there must be a lot of lonely morons out there whacking off to pictures of Machu Pinocchio or whatever it is because that was one of the ones that made it. I now realize that the web site that you were supposed to send your votes into was called “www.new7wonders.com” and I’d been sending my votes into “www.nude7wonders.com” so I guess that’s where I was going wrong.


















The good news is, my choice for top nude wonder, "Man Bites Man", won!

With all of those votes coming in, Tia Verin, the spokeswoman for the “New 7 Wonders of the World” campaing, told CNN that “Things are just going ballistic”. Well Tia, looks like you’ll have lots of time to recover in the unemployment line because whatcha gonna do for a job now eh? You gonna wax the statue of Christ the Reliever in Brazil? You gonna guard the Great Wall against Mongolian attacks? You gonna make sure there’s no animal cruelty going on at the Colosseum? I could go on and on but I don’t really want to, you see.

Job security Tia, it’s the first thing you ask about when you get hired. Why, when I had my first job dulling swords at Medieval Times the first thing I asked was “when do I get to have sex with the wenches?” Now, that turned out to be a really stupid long-term career move because I was fired before lunch and didn’t get to try their famous Bubonic Burgers but I hope you get my point Tia, I really do.













Table six is out of salt! Godspeed, young Gwyndion

CNN also said this: “The new wonders were announced at a star-studded event Saturday in Lisbon, Portugal, that featured performances by Jennifer Lopez and Chaka Khan”.

Wow, Chaka Khan! That was a wise choice because people in the audience could ask her what life was like before and after the Chichen Itza pyramid was built in Mexico. I love that Chaka Khan hit, "I Feel For You". Oh wait, that was a Prince cover. Ahh well, she didn’t win eight Grammy awards for having no talent, just ask Michael Bolton. As for Jennifer Lopez, I’d wish she’d go back to making movies because I think that’s where her real talent lies, besides going for the “I married the ugliest man in the world” award. Soon to be an episode on the Maury Povich show.

Some of the other candidates that didn’t make the cut were Stonehenge, no big surprise there, I’ve got a pile of rocks in my backyard shaped in a circle as well, holy shit! Call Indiana Jones! Please. Sydney’s Opera House was another. I had no clue where Sydney was but I looked it up on Google Earth so I’m gonna have to take a trip up to Cape Breton when I hit Halifax in August. If you ask me though, anything affiliated with opera shouldn’t be on any list anywhere, unless it’s a list of things we should abolish as a society.

Another one that didn’t get enough votes was the Statue of Liberty which really cheesed me off. C’mon America, you couldn’t get off your asses for two seconds and vote for the greatest natural monument the world has ever seen since Mount Rushmore? Give me a break. The Statue of Liberty stands for everything we believe in, freedom, and…well there’s another word it stands for but I can’t think of it right now. Anyway, The Statue of Liberty should have been on the list, now we ain’t representin’ like we always do at events like the Olympics and mass suicides.














What Up, Stonehenge?

So now what? What do we do with these “Wonders”? Do we put them in a jar, shake it, and see if they fight to the death? Do we vote to see which is number one out of these seven and pin a blue ribbon on it like so many obese pigs? Turns out we do nothing, this whole thing was just for shits and giggles made up by some wealthy Swede named Bernard Weber. Figures, you can’t trust the Swedish, I say this every time something like this happens but nobody listens. One time one of my kids came home with a package of Swedish fish candies and I sat him down and made him eat every last one right in front of me to teach him a lesson. I did the same when I caught him with cigarettes, made him eat them, smoking is bad for you, I’m not an idiot.

I haven’t trusted the Swedes since I read about WWII in The Weekly World News. They were always quiet, a little too quiet you know? You just never knew what they were up to, kind of like the Canadians. So, I guess the lesson here is, when the rich tell us to jump, we better say ‘how high’ or they’ll be trouble. Jesus, I sure hope some rich Russian oil baron doesn’t wake up one day and say “I think I’ll make people wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes for a while”. Well let me tell ya somethin’ Trotsky, nobody tells this man how to dress, go back to pouring vodka on your corn flakes.







C'mon Drunksky, we know you'll drink anything









Sooooo, without further I-Do’s, I bring you my choices for the Seven Wonders of the World, conveniently located right here in Honolulu!

1. The City Dump


















Think about it, the dump is a misunderstood wonder. It takes all of you crap and does it complain or bitch about it? Does it call the cops on you for dumping a broken dishwasher onto its front lawn? No. Think about it.

2. Mitch’s Dog Track and Nickel Slots












This place has always brought me joy. And that’s what a “wonder” should do, fill you with wonderment. The dog track will always make me wonder one of two things: where all my money went and where the kids have gone.

3. The XXX Peep Show down on Almond Boulevard


















I think this place speaks for itself.

4. The Restaurant connected to the XXX Peep Show on Almond Boulevard

What can I say? Best fish ‘n chips in town

5. My Bathroom

It’s the only place I can sit down without having Beth yell at me or have a kid shoot me in the ear with some sort of plastic projectile.

6. Hong's Thick ‘N Juicy Corn Dog Stand














This one is kind of a nomadic Wonder because Manuel goes all around town selling his famous corn dogs. Plus I had to bounty hunt his ass down a few years back for possession and he gives me a deal. Mmmmm corn dogs for breakfast, anyone?

7. The Hair-Port


















I just found out about this place a few years ago but Sasha does the best hair in town. You can go in there and just relax and let Sasha perform his magic while listening to Tori Amos at top volume. It’s a wonder I didn’t find out about him earlier! Hahahahahaha man I gotta start writing this shit down.

So there ya go, the seven wonders that should’ve been picked as the best. Next time lets get a rich American to organize it so it can be done properly. Phil Spectre would be a good choice, he’s rich and pretty normal.