It's Been a Lawn Time Comin'

Ah summer, that time of year when the flowers are out, the air is warm and birds are sexually harrassing bees in some way. It's also a time of year when you can work on prettying up your lawn to make your neighbors feel like worthless, lazy bastards. Even though it's really hard to keep a good lawn when one neighbor in particular has trained their dog to spray shit all over it on a daily basis. I'm willing to pay for that dog to go get checked out at the vet because thing has the runs more than a heroin junkie, man I hate that thing. Ok, calm down Duane it's just an animal, it doesn't control your life, you still have your model airplanes, nobody can take them away from you.

As I was saying, I take great pride in my lawn. I like to think I have one of the best looking property's on the block. Besides the aforementioned shit-gun, but that's nothing a little strychnine in the ole water dish can't fix. I take so much pride in my lawn I'd like to share with you, the fumbling lawn layman, or lawnman, as I like to call you, how I manage to have the best grass in Hawaii. And not the smokin' kind either, although I have caught some junkies trying to smoke sections of my lawn to inhale the sweet sweet pesticides hidden within. Ahh those kooky drug addicts, why are they so kooky?


















This move will make you a better gardener and force you to have virtual reality sex with your whipper snipper. So it's got it's ups and downs I guess.

Step 1: Weed Control

Controlling weeds in both a new and established lawn is vital to its health and overall appearance. I just read that from the back of my 20 gallon jug of "Scorched Earth Weed Annihilator" pesticide so I have to assume it's true. Now, don't get all queer and liberal (they're one in the same) on me. Like global warming, the threat from pesticides is a complete myth concocted by Michael Moore and his hoard of hipster assholes. I've been using pesticides for years, not only on my lawn but inside the house whenever I see an ant or a spider. It's had absolutely no effect on my family's health. Just ask my son Gary-boy, you can speak into his regular ears or the one growing from the side of his neck.

This year, I'm going to really kick some dandelion stem. I've got a hookup with one of those old-timey crop duster guys from Kansas. I gave him my collection of motorcycle goggles from my days when I rolled with some real shit-kickers. So, the point is, he owes me a solid and he's gonna "buzz my tower" with a payload of government pesticides. The kind they say don't exist anymore but everyone knows they are testing them on American soldiers.It should be fun, I'm gonna try to re-enact that Hitchcock scene from Northwest by South and run in front of it and then fall down all dramatic like.













I'll make sure my dogs are outside to kill all the ticks on them

Step 2: Fertilizer

Fertilizing your lawn is one of the most important parts of having grass that grows thick. I like to have my lawn like a carpet, well more than a carpet, more like a bed of nails. I get this by fertilzing. Now, a cautious Kathy might tell you to fertilze in small amounts only. Me? I fill a fish barrel that I have connected to my roof with a series of pulleys with fertilizer and dump it onto my lawn like they used to do with searing hot oil back when everyone lived in a castle and they didn't want visitors.

Not only is it good for a healthy, weapon-like lawn, you can also use this method to grow some freakishly huge vegetables in your garden which I'm sure are fit for human consumption. I've seen some of those things on the Discovery Channel, they are some seriously messed up food. It's like that book, Day of the Triffids. Except if it was me, I'd just bang every blind chick I could before the giant sunflowers ate me.













"Hey Gladys, look what that giant rabbit left us!"

Step 3: Lawn Mowers

Purchasing the right lawn mower is by far the most fun you'll have all summer. As for myself, I'm a sucker for the old fashion push kinds. I think the ones you ride are for people one hot dog away from a massive heart attack. I tell ya, in a few years we'll be having food shoved down our throats by robotic arms each morning at the breakfast table a la the Jetsons. Old push mowers build character and the strength in my kids' arms. I don't push the mower, I supervise by putting orange pylons around all of the areas that I don't want mowed because if I left it up to my kids they'd try to mow the siding off of the house.












Deep down, Merton knew the crowd was really there only for the lawn mower, and that hurt

If you're like Youngblood, you'll ignore the health warnings and purchase a ride-on lawn mower anyway. Now, if you must have one of these monstrosities, it's worthwhile to supe it up and enter it into one of those lawn mower races. Not only is it a great way to spend a Sunday with the kids it also tells mother nature that by racing a lawn mower in a competiion, you really don't give a fuck anymore.














"I mean, I like Mario Kart and all, but how can we make it more realistic?"

Finally, you simply can't go wrong with adding some lawn ornaments to give your property that extra touch of class. I suggest hanging ornaments off of your ornaments to show commitment. Having a maze of trinkets in front of your door not only discourages pesky Jehova's Witnesses, it also tells other annoying groups like Girl Scouts and those leeches from the Heart and Stroke Foundation that you're a busy man and don't have time to listen to their sob stories.











"You wanna come in and see my collection of hangnails? I don't bite. Tell her, Foghorn"





So, follow my advice and you'll be the envy of all of your neighbors, which is why I also suggest putting an electric fence around your property to keep them out because envy is a sin and sinners can't be trusted.