Ice Ice Trucker Baby

Man things can't get any better. The History Channel, the folks who bring you minute by minute updates on the status of Hitler's cutlery and Canada's heroic involvement in capturing said cutlery, has struck paydirt. It' called "Ice Road Truckers" and it "reveals the virtually unknown occupation of ice road trucking, considered to be one of the world's most dangerous jobs". Welcome to the rest of your life. Yes you did read those slanty shaped letters right, this show depicts the unknown and hardly cared about occupation of ice road trucking. The truckers deliver valuable supplies to diamond mines in the Canadian Northwest over roads that are really frozen lakes.


















Looks like this ice trucker was both too fast AND too furious

Canada has diamond mines?!? WTF!? (I'm not sure what WTF stands for btw..or btw) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Canada has diamond mines?!? Why haven't we gotten our fingers in that pot? Are we going soft or something? Man we need to get all up in that shiznit and get us some diamonds to make sure DeBeers doesn't go bankrupt. Remember the Boer War? Well I do, it was when Britain gave a bunch of traitors some shitty, unusable land in Africa until they found out there were diamonds in them there hills and then they took it back by force, creating the first recorded use of the concentration camp. Over 20,000 women and children were starved to death with the help of Canadian officials! This is comedy gold!











"Gerald, come here and pull my finger"

My point is, Canada had their turn to get diamonds in the early 1900s and screwed it up so now it's our turn bitches. That's right, I said it, we need to invade the Canadian north and take those diamonds. If my calculations are correct, and they usually are, it should be a hilarious and fun filled adventure. Haven't you ever seen Canadian Bacon? Ok bad example but I can fill you in anyway. We'll hire a morbidly obese man and a midget woman to infiltrate the top secret Canadian base made of popsicle sticks located somewhere north of Ontario. Once there it'll be easy pickins because you know how polite those Canadians are, they probably have those diamond mines set up on the honor system.




A typical Canadian diamond mine




If my ingenius plan fails we can always hijack one of those ice trucker idiots. Have you seen the one they call "The Polar Bear"? He looks like he's one fudgsicle away from a massive heart attack so he should be a pushover. Once we have control of the magic ice diamond trucks, we'll drive them to Mexico where they'll thaw out like a giant turkey worth 30 million dollars.

I should do it quick thought because for some reason the ice is getting thinner out there. Everyone knows I don't believe in global warming unless global warming is something from the Bible that I missed. The more sensible explanation is that Canada is too soft on gays and that has pissed God off and to strike fear in the hearts of all Canadians he slightly affected an industry that until now four people knew existed. God, you gotta admire his plans. I should have this plan all in place unless I die or get distracted by the little light on the deep freeze again.







"Put it in Low, Leland"