Before we move onto the entertainment portion of the show, a quick movie review. I finally got around to seeing “Déjà Vu” with Denzel Washington the other night. For those of you who are languagelly challenged, “déjà vu” means “whoa” in English. Because every time that crazy shit happens you always go whoa, what the hell was that? I wasn’t too sure what was going to happen in that movie but when I saw that Jerry Bruckhiemer had been involved, I knew it was going to have a happy ending. You see, Bruckhiemer knows that as long as you have multiple explosions and shots of people walkng in front of the sunset in slow motion, you can do whatever you want with the script. He graduated from the same school of filmmaking as Michael Bay I think. I tell ya, if both of those guys every put their heads together…they’d have a time trying to untangle from each other’s egos.
Just like the Middle East, all of his endings turn out fine
I loved the idea for Déjà Vu. At first I thought it’d be really cool to be able to see four days into my past but I’m not sure I want to watch myself sit on the couch scratching my balls watching “When Animals Attack” and “When Good Milk Goes Bad” on Spike. Spike TV: Making Fox look like PBS one show at a time. Anyway, the movie was awesome and I highly recommend it folks.
I love entertainment news. It’s a way for people to redeem themselves for not being caught up on world events. When someone calls you and asks what you’re doing, you can still say “I’m watching the news” and they will be none the wiser. They’ll think you’re being informed on the latest news in Iraq when in fact you’re finding out what Lindsay Lohan ate before going out shopping. The answer is nothing. Entertainment news is one of our last distractions from realizing how much shit this plant is really in. It’s like a skydiver who jumps from a plane and realizes he forgot his parachute. On the way down he says to himself, fuck it, and decides to smoke a joint. Every toke helps him forget how badly things are going to be in the very near future.
A typical board meeting at Spike TV
Ok so now onto the Entertainment News. It’s hard to do this without special effects and all of that but if you can, picture a gorgeous, hollow-eyed woman, lots of glittery lights and all kinds of whooshing sound effects.
In our top stories, Britney Spears made a strange apology Wednesday on her website to a photographer for attacking his car with an umbrella. Spears said she was trying out for a movie role and got a little carried away, whoopsie! Spears said “I take all my roles very seriously…unfortunately I didn’t get the part”.
Don’t sweat it Brit, I wouldn’t have apologized at all. If I had to say sorry to every dough-eyed gawker on the street that I attacked with random objects like umbrellas, belts and nun-chucks, I’d have to hire a personal apology-writing guy. I had no idea Britney was auditioning for so many movie roles. Maybe she can hook up with Jerry Bruckheimer and do a movie about a trailer trash slut who wakes up and finds she is the only person left on earth and the only way to save the planet is to reproduce with the only photocopier left on earth. It’d be magical.
You have enlarged my heart to 130%, Britneee
Next up: Nicole Ritchie pregnant?!?!(?)
You heard it here first people, Nicole Ritchie may be pregnant or she may not be. It’s totally possible that she actually is pregnant. The other possibility is that she ate a muffin for breakfast. The human kite has been dating the lead singer for Good Charlotte, Joel Madden. Good Charlotte is that band that sounds just like Blink 182, or the sound of horses being slaughtered, one or the other. Ritchie may have to have the child in the clank because she faces a DUI charge after she was found driving the wrong way on a California highway. What people don’t know is that Nicole wasn’t drunk at all, she had accidentally left her passenger side window down and a strong breeze forced her arms to turn the wheel into the wrong side of the road.
It’s like if they had Baywatch during the Holocaust
And finally:
Before her new show “Hey Paula!” debut the other night, Paula Abdul lashed out at people accusing her of being drunk during a series of television interviews leading up to the American Idol season. Abdul stated that “there were sound issues and a feed mixup and I was responding to questions from multiple cities and it was confusing”.
I’m writing all of this down because the next time I get charged with being drunk in public I’m going to say I was on the phone and there was some signal mixups. “Hey Paula!” enjoyed stellar ratings, barely losing out to “Pirate Master”. But to be fair, it was the Pirate Master episode where Jo Don gets caught sodomizing Louie on top of the chest of Zanzibar.
Hey Paula! The show’s been over for 2 hours, you can go home now
That wraps up my first edition of the Entertainment Stain! Hope you enjoyed it, we’ll be back next week talking about the same people and their same problems but I’ll pass it off as new!
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