I mean, if Lance Armstrong can bag her then you know the Dog-man can do it, c’mon, c’mon. So that’s the plan Stan, now, there’s a lot of things that I need to bone up on before I begin my rigorous half-week training before the application deadline next year. If I know my stuff, I should be able to win the whole damn thing. If I just laze around and do nothing I’ll end up as embarrassed as a Canadian soccer team. I mean, even Panama scored one point for Christ’s sakes.
Hey no cross-checking eh!
It's important to know the history of events like this so I went out of my way and did some reading. Turns out the race came about from Frog newspaper editor "Henri Desgrange's chief cycling journalist, the 26 year old Géo Lefèvre, with whom Desgrange had lunch at what is now the TGI Friday bar in Montmartre in Paris"
TGI Friday's? I love that place! I didn't know they had those over there, I figured all they had were little cafes with tiny cups and all the food that was available were snails served on top of blocks of cheese. And what a coincidence, the most famous race in world history, The Indianapolis 500, was conceived between Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s great grandfather, Jonboy and his lesser known cousin Vernon at a cottage in Switzerland, which is now a Swiss Chalet. Jonboy bet Vernon that he couldn't beat him in a race around the tiny village of Apolis. The victor won $500 and a chance to court Vernon's sister Helga, whose cottage they were staying in. And the rest, as they say, is awesome.
Back to training, the first thing is I need is a team. I didn’t realize this but a cycling team usually consists of nine players. But once the race starts it’s every man for themselves so I won’t have to worry about not including spikes on my spokes like that dickhead in Ben Hur who tried to kill Charleton Heston and Jesus. I’ve just been told that in the first week of racing there is in fact a team race trial where a team rides together without interference from other teams but what about interference from each other? Am I allowed to unload my little can of oil from the back of my seat onto the road? Can I use my chain to take my own teammates down like those guys in The Road Warrior? That’d be awesome, no? See, I’m getting into the French language already, oh yeah this is gonna be good. Anyway, these are the questions I need to ask the Tour de Guide when I go over to France.
Take your stinking berets off me, you damn dirty frog!
So, a team name is in order, I’ve come up with “The Re-Cyclers” because our bikes will all be homemade, it’s the American way in case you didn’t read my 4th of July post, which was about as funny as a Martin Lawrence movie.
So, the name thing is done and I’ve scratched it off the list. Next up, team uniforms. At first I wanted red white and blue but decided that everyone would probably have something like that. Then I wanted neon pink so I could blind my opponents with my own ass. Then I figured, if I won the thing I’d be on national television wearing a pink unitard and I’d probably end up looking like Fabio at a gay pride parade. Then it hit me: black. I’d wear all black with a matching helmet and when I zoomed past people they’d be all freaked out and go “Whoa, what’s Darth Vader doing in this competition?” or “Holy shit, that guy is wearing black, he means business!” and then I predict they’ll fall off their bikes or their chains will come off their sprockets just from sheer terror.
I hear France is pretty cold in July so going with leather will work out fine
I don’t really care who’s in my team because I’m in it to win. I’ve got Youngblood and Leland on board. Beth would go but the last time she rode a bike she accidentally bent the handlebars over with her chest and rendered them useless, not unlike John Candy in the rental car in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. The other six spots can be made up by my kids. I’m not sure if there’s an age limit but even the youngest of my kids are so hairy they can pass as middle aged midgets so I’m not too worried.
Back to the bikes, I can’t find anywhere where it says what kind of bike you’re supposed to use so I’ve gone ahead and made 9 bikes for the team. They’re all the same size and they only have one gear but not only is France cold in July I hear the terrain is as flat as Calista Flockhart so it’ll be a breeze. The bike is designed for off-roading here in Hawaii. I’ve done all the homework folks and it should be a pretty smooth ride into victory lane on this hog.
Et tu, Goodyear?
The only thing that's left is to find a sponsor. Now, I've already decided that I won't advertise on our team's uniforms because it detracts from the overall effect of scaring the other riders. I was kind of worried at first but then I found out that all teams have a sponsor car that follows them around. This is the perfect job for Beth, she drive beside us playing Judas Priest, Winger, and other gnarly bands to keep us pumpin' the whole time. Plus when nobody's lookin' I can hitch the bike to the back and jump in the car for a quick snooze, they all do it I hear. After a few phone calls I locked in a sponsor.
Math is fun? Screw it, I'm willing to lie in order to win the race
Now I'm all set, I haven't been this excited since the Gilligan's Island reunion movie. Only this time I'll be awake and sober, wish me luck!
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