Anniver-scary

Beth and I have an anniversary coming up and this year I actually remembered. All it took was having the date tattoed onto the inside of my eyelids. I've got a whole day of activites planned so the day will be jammed packed. In any case, it's guaranteed to be better than last year when I forgot I was married. So here is a quick rundown of all the crap I threw together at the Drive-thu at Jack in the Box.

6:30 AM:

Wake Beth up by dumping a bucket of cold water on her to remind her of our honeymoon when I got drunk and fell off the back of a paddle boat, taking her down with me.

6:31 AM

Dry her off with the set of five industrial blower fans I just bought. (Reminder: Duane buy some more surge protectors)

6:40 AM

Prance to the side of the bed and serenade her with this poem I wrote:

Beth
You look lovely
When you dance
How does one try
To get into those pants?
Lo,
High,
Happiness is something
Only your love can bring
You had me at "Are you mental or something?"

6:45 AM

Make Beth breakfast in bed (Reminder: Duane thaw out the seven packs of Pilsbury Toaster Strudels)









"Please stop jabbing me in the stomach, I'm on my third gastric bypass here"





7:30 AM

Suprise Beth with four hour marathon of her favorite tv show "Punky Brewster" thought to be lost to obscurity

11:30 AM

Blindfold Beth and tell her where the car is. Then get all my shit together and drive her to "The Giggling Leprechaun" incense and aura interpretation shop. Give her enough money to buy that dragon lamp she keeps talking about. Hopefully that will keep her distracted long enough for me to smoke a pack and catch a few Z's.






Goes great with our Styx frosted mirror











1:00 PM

Assuming Beth loves guns as much as me, take her to the shooting range for some practice on an M-60 7.62 mm so she'll look just like those girls from that magazine, "Cocked and Loaded". (Reminder: Find out if said magazine exists)

5:00 PM

Dinner at "The Golden Shower" Chinese buffet. Hopefully owner didn't mind when I demanded that staff perform a kabuki theatre for us, sounded mad for some reason when I kept asking about it and apologizing for dropping the bomb on them and all.

7:30 PM

Take Beth to the movie "License To Wed". Robin Williams has finally proved himself to be the funniest man in America. Make home made treat consisting of popcorn, Junior Mints and nachos blended together - feed treat to Beth during movie.













"In my next movie, I play a robot werewolf with a heart of gold that nobody understands"


10:00 PM

Drive Beth to our local makeout joint, outisde of the booking office as seen on our TV show, that place always makes me nostalgic, weepy, and hornier then an Amish pimp on Cialis.

10:01 PM

Dust ourselves off, drive home and hope the kids haven't super-glued the fridge shut like they did the last time we were away for more than an hour.