Templar Superstar

I snuck out of the house the other night to smoke in the car. I like doing that, it’s a way for me to escape the demented fun house shit storm that my living room becomes after 7:00pm. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh’s program on the radio. It was the one about how us Americans need to be wary of foreign products that could damage our health. And Lord knows we take health seriously here in the U.S. The motto in our neighborhood is, “if you can kill it, you can grill it”. That includes any living thing, even plants but who’d want to eat something that comes from the ground? Gross. The products Rush was talking about were Mexican shampoo that contains a rare form of E-Coli and Chinese toothpaste. I don’t know anyone would buy a brand called “Colsmate” with the phrase “We Brush You Long Time” stuck on it anyway. I mean c’mon.

I got a little tired of the show but I couldn’t change it because my radio wasn’t working too well. Beth wants to get one of those “Serious” satellite radio things but I say no way Jose. The moment I typed my own address into Google Earth and saw a frozen picture of myself playing naked croquet in the back yard was the moment I stopped trusting satellites. I wish Google would send you a letter or something saying “By the way, we just posted a picture of your overly tanned naked ass to a billion people on the interweb, have a great day, Sincerely, Mr. & Mrs. Google.” That would be a lot nicer than the way I found out about it.







So THAT's where we parked






The antenna I have for my radio works pretty well, it’s multi-functional. On top of being a kick ass car radio receiver it can be used as a hat as well. Don’t laugh, I can pick up BBC radio 4 from my fillings on this bad boy. It works wonders when I’m somewhere I don’t want to be, I can just close my eyes and let the radio waves take me away to la la land.









“Ok I’m ready for church”








I was starting to nod off when Rush was talking about the dangers of the new cereal from Holland, “Hashio’s” when Alfred B. Pickles, my genealogist, jumped up from the backseat and screamed ‘Balderdash!” In my ear as loud as he could. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean but it scared me so bad I put my arm through the driver’s side window. When I asked him what in the name of Sean Connery’s accent he was doing in the back of my car he told me that once again, he had the down-low on one of my long lost relatives.

He also admitted he was sucking Frosted Flake crumbs from the cracks in the backseat. I tossed him a Mr. Nougat and told him to hurry the hell up with the information because listening to Rush gets me in the mood to bust some immigrant heads. Even though Alfred’s passport says he’s an American it’s quite possible that he hitched a ride here from outer space on a shuttle like so many superhero costumes in bad movies do.

Stretching out in the backseat, Alfred told me the story of Henri de MoLest, a French nobleman and member of the infamous Knights Templar. He was special assistant and chief croissant distributor to Jacques de Molay, the Grand Master of the Knights Templar. It turns out that de MoLest unknowingly brought great change to the Templars, most of this change ended in everybody being burned to the stake but Alfred told me that in the 2nd century, burning people on the stake was as common as watching Must-See TV. So it makes a lot of sense.



















"This is a little embarrassing but uh, I left a candle going at home, can one of you snuff it out afterwards? Appreciate it."

In the mid 1110s, the Templar’s found themselves duking it out with a bunch of other Knights, including the Teutonic Knights, the Knights Hospitaller and the Nike Knights, who were the first group to exploit impoverished farmers by forcing them to make overpriced armor that would only fall apart within like, your first major battle.

In 1305, the new Pope Clement V, based in France, sent letters to both Templar Grand Master Jacques de Molay and Hospitaller Grand Master Fulk de Villaret, discussing the possibility of a merging of the two Orders. De Molay thought it was a wicked idea and gave my relative, de MoLest a letter that stated “Hey Fulky, hookin’ up should be cool, sho’ nough, ayite?” I can’t understand French too well but I got the gist that de Molay wanted to join with de Villaret. De MoLest was supposed to deliver the letter to De Villaret but Alfred showed me the papers that prove de MoLest got sidetracked on his trip to southern France. De Molest wrote to his brother on the way, stating, “Sacra-bleu! Les whore don le ville c’est encroyable!" So the letter never made it and the rift widened.

Frustrated , King Philip had all of the Knights Templar arrested on Friday the 13th. This is why we consider this day to be unlucky. That and because all of King Philip’s men wore hockey masks when they went to arrest the Templars. De MoLest escaped imprisonment by dressing in women’s clothing, donning a wig and standing perfectly still. One of the arresting officers, Monsieur Sears, was overheard saying “That’s a good idea”. Thus, the first fashion mannequin was born.














"You're under arrest! Now, try to run away really awkwardly please"

Alfred told me that from here the Knights split up all across the world. Some say they had possession of the Holy Grail. And others have their wives do their research for them on Wikipedia so they can write “Foucault’s Pendulum for Dummies” where the Holy Grail is really a woman. Others are brazen enough to suggest that the Knights hid all of their treasures in the Money Pit on Oak Island, Nova Scotia. And that’s where Henri de MoLest resides today, with William Shakespeare and Francis Bacon and their tiny little fridge.

Alfred’s no longer welcome on my property.