My Precious Car-Toons

The other day I took some time off work and took Beth and the kids to the Honolulu Show & Shine Muscle Car Show. I love muscle cars from the ‘60s and ‘70s; they portray the brute force of America, the kill or be killed attitude. Plus their great for driving way over the speed limit, polluting the air and destroying fragile ecosystems. My favorite muscle car of all time is the black Dodge Charger from the movie Bullitt with Steve McQueen. That car was so cool I almost rooted for it to get away during the chase scene, almost. I could never wish ill on Stevie boy. Steve McQueen is the all time hard ass, best actor in the world. He lived back in the days of Hollywood when you could smoke wherever the hell you wanted and you could enjoy the little extra perks of being a superstar. Perks like having sex with any random person you wanted, all the drugs you could ingest and cheap, wonderful booze. This only worked if you were a white male by the way but that was back in the old days. Today women and minorities enjoy a stereotype free existence, yessir they’re as happy as an Italian at a sweating contest.

So yeah, I really wanted to get the kids to the car show so they could soak in some nostalgia from my heyday. It was still a chore to get ready and go because I’m so into this Dark Tower series by Stephen King I can’t tear my eyeballs away from it. The story just flows along. I was tempted to get the audio version as read by Dennis Rodman but I don’t need some ex-con telling me who to interpret a book. I get enough of that in the back of the SUV on a nightly basis. Seriously, it happens more then you think. The Dark Tower series is the When of today even though Blain is still a Pain in both Mid-World and Our-World and my ka-tet is not complete, not yet. You see? The book just flows.






Only 3,500 more pages of Roland's back story and we get to the good stuff









Going to a car show is not just about seeing cars, there are all kinds of interesting activities for your wife and kids to do when they get bored after 10 minutes of listening to a guy tell you how he removed the frame from his 1968 Nova with nothing but a pulley and three old seatbelts. I mean, I for one am fuckin’ entranced by what I just wrote but tell that to a woman and her kids and they’ll just stare at you like my dog does when he watches me masturbate.

I can remember the first time I went to a car show with the person my dad asked to take me. It was a magical experience. It wasn’t actually a car show, it was a motorcycle show. And it wasn’t really a show it was more like a rally of sorts. Actually, my dad’s friend just took me to a Hell’s Angels party at some cabin in the woods, but there were lots of motorcycles that I got to look at and clean while they partied all night. I even got to sleep on one that night. Car shows nowadays have clowns who will paint your faces for you. Back in my day any ink that you got at an event like that was permanent. I’m not saying I mind having a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil smoking a joint on my inner thigh, I’m just sayin’ a little heads up before I went would’ve been nice. Plus, being 8 years old at the time really was unnecessary, my therapist told me that’s what set me in motion to becoming unpredictable and violent, right before I kicked him in the throat for no good reason.






May the laser removal be with you




Other things to look forward to at a car show is the music. Do you like The Eagles? Well you better, they play nothing but The Eagles from 8:00 am to 7:00pm, which is totally fine by me. Anyone who says different doesn’t like music, or is deaf, one or the other. They’ll also sneak in a few hundred rounds of “The Chevrolet Way” by mega superstar Tariq. I think I saw him on Letterman the other night, or was it the dumpster? I forget. The food is also top notch at car shows. Me, I don’t eat for two days before a car show starts because I want to save room for the half cooked onion rings and barbeque chips. I like to take about seven onion rings and make a little onion ring sandwich with the chips in between them. People love it when you go to look inside their mint condition cars with that shit all over your fingers, it adds to the mystique I would say, and I do say.

I don’t have a vintage car myself which is kind of a bummer. Whenever anyone at a show asks me where my ride is I usually just point to the coolest looking car that’s close by. Then I move my lawn chair over and sit in front of it for the entire day giving people fake information on it. This has worked for the past few years and I’ve only been caught about seven times, not too shabby. The last vintage car I had was a 1976 Gremlin. I wouldn’t really call it a Muscle car, mainly because the only muscle associated with that car were the ones you needed in your arms and legs to get the damn thing going. It was like driving the Flintstones’ car with Dino dragging behind it.






Yes, one of these in every driveway!





This year’s car show was a bit different. I had mentioned it was a Muscle Car show but when we got there it seems like the promoters had changed things around so it would appeal to a wider audience. Leave it to the people in charge to retool something into shittiness. Just like when they decided to turn everyone on Will & Grace into homos, TOTALLY ruined it for me. Here are the cars that they were showing this year:














It runs on Whiskas, and gasoline














This is what everyone will drive when oil dries up













A must for every businesswoman













Comes with a complimentary face hugger

After a few hours of looking at these monstrosities I had a pounding headache and just wanted to go home. Hopefully next year they'll have cars that aren't designed for people who sniff magic markers.