Boone’s a smart guy. He doesn’t waste time writing his own lyrics or music. He just takes what’s already popular and reinvents it, the Pat Boone way. Take for example his huge 1955 hit “Ain’t That a Shame”. It was written and performed originnaly by Fats Domino. Boone knew that the market he was aiming for, a white, Conservative no nonsense bunch, wouldn't buy a record from a black man. I guess he figured those guys had things pretty easy in the 1950s, and I’m certain they did. In a way Boone was helping Fats out by steering him clear of the massive, influential white market, a group I’m sure he wanted to steer clear of.
Pat before his controversial tassel phase
The guy is also a genius. When he did covers for songs, he would re-write other people’s material if they contained any lyrics about sex, drugs or alcohol. That’s Conservative commitment folks. In 1957 Boone rewrote the song “One Mint Julep” so that it contained no mention of the drink in the title! How easy is that? I do the same thing, I found one of my kids reading The Lord of The Rings one time and I ripped out all the pages with the word “Hobbit” in it because I’m pretty sure that’s slang for blowjob these days. There were still lots of pictures left for him though.
Boone would also refuse movie roles if he felt they compromised his standards of being a right wing hero. This included refusing to star alongside Marilyn Monroe because she was such a whore (you’re a stronger man than I, Pat) and in his first movie, “April Love” he refused to kiss co-star Shirley Jones onscreen because she was married in real life. He’s a director’s dream come true!
I’ve also felt compelled to uphold my standards onscreen. I will rarely kiss Beth when the cameras are rolling. It’s mainly because her breath smells like decomposing flesh but also because I’m a gentleman first and the TV won’t get the whole package if I can help it.
Pat after his controversial striped shirt phase
Boone is also a family man, in the 1960s he and his family toured around America with such breakthrough albums as The Pat Boone Family, The Family Who Prays and We’re Gonna Catch Us a Negro Tonight!
Pat’s also a smart businessman, well before owing the IRS close to $30 million in the early ‘90s that is. He became the face for Chevrolet in the ‘60s, proving that when you sell out, you can still claim to be a Christian even if you’ve sold your soul to Lucifer for eternity! When Boone and his wife started having children at a rate of one per year, GM decided to stop giving him Corvettes and started handing him down station wagons instead. That happened to me as well. I once had a deal with Ford, I was the spokesman for the Pinto. My situation was a bit different because Ford started out by giving me free station wagons and ended up giving me nothing when I showed up to shoot a commercial on magic mushrooms.
Another fascinating thing about Pat Boone is that he claims he uses his last name in replacement for curse words. So, instead of saying “Holy shit!” he’d say “Holy Boone!” That’s a great idea. I’ve been telling my family they should start using that technique because they swear more than Bob Saget. I don’t think it will work for my uncle Harry Fuckface though.
"So where'd you steal that suit, Hammer?"
Like myself, Boone expressed outrage at The Dixie Chicks for saying they were ashamed of George W. Bush. I think we should send those broads to a Chinese slave factory to learn how to appreciate democracy. Boone stated that because the Dixie Chicks didn’t support G.W. they “do not respect their elders” How true, if you can’t respect your elders you’ll never respect yourself. People say age is just a number, but that number is really important. No matter what the person is saying, if they are older than you, you do what the hell they say. History has proven that this always works out for the best, just like with Jim Jones and Charles Manson.
Pat’s also a sports freak, just like me. His love of basketball prompted him to buy a team in the Hollywood Studio League called the Cooga Moogas. The team included stars like Bill Cosby and Don Murray. Regarding the team’s performance, Bill Cosby was quoted as saying “Becaush you seeeeee, basket-ball is like the jaaazzzz of the sports world. It’s like Miles Davis goin’ bebop do beep de beep beep BOP”.
Boone also told telvision's trainwreck, The Insider, that he recently confessed to his wife about his years of infedility when he was on the road using other people's songs. This is the only place I stray from Pat's line of thinking. I gotta tell ya, what happens in 37 out of 50 States stays in 37 out of 50 States.
I think even "Super Amoeba" could stop it from being a hit
Lastly, Boone was quoted as saying the theory of evolution is a “nonsensical bankrupt false religion”. I couldn’t agree more, although I would have phrased it as a “retarded, fake incorrect belief” but I think people will still understand what he’s trying to say.
So there you have it, a little tribute to the man, the myth, the sweaty and gnarly, Pat Boone.
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