Hello to Nova Scotia

Unless you were born without ears, eyes and a nose, then you’ll know that I’m heading to Halifax, Nova Scotia in a few weeks to bathe in the love and jealousy of my many, many fans. I say “nose” because each on of the tickets to my show has been personally dipped into my own cologne “La Moufette de la Nuit” for your nasal pleasure. And if you were born without ears, eyes or a nose maybe I should be dishing out $39 to come see you! 100 if I wanted to meet you. Not sure how that would work though without being able to see, hear or smell me. Well I could just shake you a little or something I supposes. I’ll brainstorm on it.

I’m writing this now because I want to do one of those “before and after” things to show how much I’ve changed after I’ve experienced a strange, exotic location from my hotel balcony. I really can’t wait, I’ve been telling all the kids how when it’s summer here it’s winter there, or maybe it’s always winter in Nova Scotia. Hmmmm should look that up I guess. Anyway, they’re really stoked about seeing the Eskimos and reindeer and all that touristy shit. For me though, I really want to absorb the Halifax experience so I’ve been putting together an Iditarod so I can be sure to cram as much culture and casual sex as possible.





A typical summer day in Halifax





I’ve been hearing from a lot of friends and relatives about Halifax and Nova Scotia in general and they’ve been telling me all kids of things to see. Normally I wouldn’t bother taking their advice on deciding what shampoo to use but I’ve never been to a harsh climate like this before. Lives may be at stake so I should listen for once I guess.

First of all, I love eating when I’m on vacation. Seriously, I’m like a stoned Rosie O’Donnell. Poor Rosie, I was kind of bummed that she didn’t get the Price Is Right gig but I can understand their concerns over her eating the Plinko chips during the interview. So anyway, when in Halifax I want the best food money can buy. Someone told me about this place called Pete’s Frootique. Now, normally I wouldn’t go near a place with the word “Frootique” in the title with a ten foot pole but I know how backwards Canadians are with their tolerance towards fruits and their happy go lucky ways so I’m determined to swallow my hate and press on.

Mainly because I hear that not only does Pete’s have the cheapest food in town, they also have a specialty called “The Halifax Explosion Buger”. Yummm because nothing makes me want to chomp down on grilled beef more than visualizing the charred remains of over 2,000 people.













It’s the shards of glass and TNT that give it that extra kick

I think I’ll take in some basketball as well while I’m here. Not just any basketball, chick basketball. I hear there’s also a team called The Halifax Explosion. Man those guys really like explosions. I’ve read that there was some controversy about naming the team that and I can’t even begin to tell you how stupid that is. If they can name a burger after it, why not an entire basketball team? I for one am totally jazzed about watching their big game against the Fighting Diarrhea from Walkerton Ontario.

After wiping out Canada’s cattle population at Pete’s and watching girls get all sweaty I’m told I should check out Citadel Hill. From looking at the pictures of it I’m not sure what they could possibly guard against unless it’s Canada’s military strategy to let the enemy take the entire city below while you roll cannonballs at them from a grassy mound. And why so much Scottish merchandise on the web site? I haven’t seen so many people in kilts since people got all worked up over Braveheart. Hell-ooooo Earth to ocean people Scotland is in the southern hemisphere, get your own identity, honestly. Note to self: Send letter to G.W. telling him how easy this place is to take.









Good idea there Haggis, maybe you can drive Osama crazy first






Wearing a kilt is one of those things I’ve promised myself I’d never do, like go bungee jumping or watch “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”.

I also can’t wait to see the tall ships. I’m guessing most ships are tall so I don’t know why they call them that. It’s like instead of saying “I’m going to the movies” you say “I’m going to the rectangular picture show”. Am I right or what? I’m really hoping to see the one that they used in the gone but not forgotten masterpiece Pirate Master (17 signatures and counting!). I want to do a fitting tribute to Joe-Don and Jupiter and Azmyth and anyone else with a retarded name.

I’m not sure what else there is to do in Halifax, as long as the toilets flush clock-wise and the beer ain’t warm I’ll be happy. I hope the good folks at the Comfort Inn Bedford don’t mind that I require a sound-proof room and 24 kitchen service.