Bored Game Bonanza

When it rains, I get depressed. I mean really depressed. Remember Kathy Bates in Misery? I make her look like Shirley Temple. Add a nagging wife, a hoard of kids who swarm around you like hornets high on pixie sticks and you’ve got the perfect storm. And by that I mean a storm of me rolling my kids into a carpet bag and throwing them in a river. To keep everyone sane and happy and still breathing, it’s important that a family learn to play together on a rainy day. Board games are an obvious choice. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve bought or played a board game since the early ‘80s when I went searching for that murderer Colonel Mustard. Those were my heavy mescaline days so you can forgive me gentle reader for going door to door with my Colonel Mustard playing card asking people if they’d seen or had relations with him. You can also forgive me for getting a search warrant and tearing apart the Grey Poupon factory.

Back to reality, this weekend I decided to clear out the closet and spend some time with my family playing board games. First I had to find the closet and I am happy to say that after I shifted the ’87 Firebird transmission out of the way the games closet was as clear as Crisco to me. I’m not happy to say that after moving the transmission I discovered why we haven’t seen our cat, Chairman Meow, for three weeks.







Joi wooi Chairman Meow, joi wooi




Some of these board games I can’t even remember buying at all. I think I must have refused to play them by the looks of them. Here’s a rundown of the five best ones that I could find.

1. Disney DVD Bingo








This game combines the tediousness and boredom of regular bingo and projects it in high def from your television sets. To make an appropriate Bingo atmosphere, I smoked eight cigarettes at once, put Beth in a fat suit and told seven of my twelve kids to cry and scream and complain that they didn’t want to be there. Actually I didn’t have to ask them to do that at all. I’m convinced that Disney DVD Bingo is proof that Walt Disney not only loved kids, he also was 100% devoted to the Nazi Party because only someone who enjoys torture would sell this to unsuspecting families.


2. The Andy Griffith Show – Mayberry Mania Board Game














This game’s claim to fame is that has been “designed by the fans, for the fans!.” No offence or anything but I can’t imagine fans of The Andy Griffith Show being able to design a paper airplane properly let alone a complicated board game such as this. Your quest is to become a deputy sheriff and force Barney Fife into suicide. All your favorite characters are here, like sexual predator Floyd the barber and the hilarious drunkard Otis, you get to guess how long it will take for his liver to finally implode! Winners not only get to rule Mayberry with an iron fist, they get to have Aunt Bee as their personal chef and sex slave.


3. Trump The Game










Move over Monopoly, there’s a new playa in town. In case you’re an attention whore and tried out for The Apprentice but didn’t make it, you can relive your humiliation and lack of morals all over again, it’s a miracle! Bid against your opponents, employ cut throat methods, purchase big businesses and run the top managers out, just like The Donald does in real life. It’ll be like you’re actually living his life. Then, when you pack the game up you can look at the milk crates you have for chairs and your one Budweiser mirror and hurtle yourself back to your soul-crushing reality!

4. Pac-Man The Board Game











If you said to me, “Dog, how does one of the most popular arcade games of all time translate to the board game genre?’ I’d say, fucking terribly! Not only are you guaranteed to lose all of the power pills within the first five minutes of this mess, it’s nearly impossible to figure out who is controlling who and what in the name of sweet Hawaiian Punch you’re supposed to do or advance to the next stage or make the ghosts move faster to make it more complicated. We actually tweaked this game a bit to make a lot more fun, we set it on fire and roasted marshmallows over it.

5. The Dominoes Pizza Delivery Game


















The headings on this game read as follows: “Fun! Exciting! Realistic! Challenging! Safety First”. As soon as you see “Safety First” you just know this game is going to be a rancid pile of parrot shit to play. This game includes the fast paced, thrill a minute excitement of parallel parking in front of a sorority house where a bunch of rich drunk assholes will belittle you as you give them their food. Play smart, play safe, and you could be bumped up from the Toyota Trecel to the Toyota Echo, a car that technically doesn’t exist anymore! This game is as fun as Dominoes Pizza tastes. Which means it’s as fun as being castrated by a billy goat.

Fun fun fun! If the sun doesn’t come out soon I’ll be wearing the skins of my family for a raincoat.