A Prank A Day

As I've mentioned before on this internet diary, I love pranks. Pranks are part of everyday life, like going to the bathroom and sleeping around. There are some people out there who hate pranks, and they make doing the pranking a lot more fun. I don't know how many times in high school some queer-bait nerd used to complain "I'm allergic to peanuts, stop shoving them down my throat" and we would laugh and laugh.

It's hard to get away with a good prank in this day and age because we are such a presitgious society, everybody wants to sue everyone else just for shits and giggles. Well, a story from the mosted authentic and reliable face in news, FOX News, hit me with a story so hard I thought it had broken my nose. Turns out I had broken my nose because Beth caught me giving my patented "meltdown stare" at some fine little piece of tail serving us orange juice at the IHOP while I read the paper. Note to self: get darker sunglasses, these Blue Blockers just don't cut it anymore. Sure they had a cool rap song to go with their ad but after 15 years you just gotta change teams. My meltdown stare is the one where I lean forward and raise one eyebrow, nobody can resist it, male, female or animal. I'm still working on eliminating that last one.

Anyway, the story I'm talking about comes from Olympia, Washington. A dentist "temporarily implanted fake boar tusks in his assistant's mouth as a practical joke and got sued for it". Why would she sue because she had boar's teeth in her mouth. Hell I'd get that dude to put boar's teeth into my mouth permanently. Those or maybe those teeth that Hugh Grant wears in every movie he's in, they're pretty scary. Think of it though, some ice head comes running at you with his girlfriend's dismembered arm as weapon and you shine him a set of boar's teeth and he'd shit his pants right there on the spot, guaranteed.






Proof that he's dabbling with nuclear technology







I know this because I went to a red carpet showing of Bram Stoker's Dracula and one of the kids who walks around with a flashlight thought he'd be cute and smiled at me with a set of vampire teeth when I wasn't ready for it and well I had about three dried grams of magic mushrooms spiraling its way through my body and I lost all of my faculties into my giant cardboard box of nachos. I only went to that movie to see Sharon and Lois but they weren't nowhere to be found. Anyway, it'd work, trust me.

So what happens is this dentist removes the boars teeth but not before snapping a few polaroids and sending them around to everyone at the office. When this broad finds out about it she freaks and sues the guy for 250 big ones. I tell ya, women in the workplace, when are we going to learn America? This dentist pays her out of his own pocket then sues his own insurance company for not considering it a regular procedure.

The judge, high on gas fumes, determined that Dentist Woo's "practical joke was an integral part of the assistant's dental surgery and conceivably should trigger the professional liability coverage of his policy". And boom, he gets 750 big ones as a result. Are your wheels turning yet? Mine aren't but I'm sure there's a scam in there somewhere.

See, I used to pull pranks on people all the time. Not just on Beth but on the people I used to catch as well. Most of them are passed out, we usually catch them, wake them up and then re-release them just so we can chase them around town to make the show interesting. So when you realize that you've caught your perp and he's not going anywhere for about 12 hours you usually can have some fun with them. Here's some of my favorites.





He was instantly popular in prison



















He was drunk so when he woke up he was none the wiser





I should've won an award for that one



So you see, pranks are ingrained into our society, it's what makes us free. Now, if any of you junkies out there feel I embarrassed you in front of your jacked up friends who were taking apart stolen car radios at the time of these pranks and you want to sue me, please do. I'd love to see you back in court you mothas. Just be sure to watch your step because I may have tied your shoelaces together...Burn!