“This rock 'n' roll themed roller coaster will stand over 150-feet tall and feature a high fidelity onboard audio system that plays Led Zeppelin's hit single ‘Whole Lotta Love’ while passengers are sent through a series of six inversions. Led Zeppelin - The Ride is a mix of classic rock 'n' roll and amusement ride thrills. Keeping with the theme, the loading station will be designed to look like a giant zeppelin”
The tracks are greased with John Bonham's vomit
It’s gonna be a freakin’ trip and a half man. Now you can have that strange sensation in your stomach while listening to Zeppelin and still be assured that you didn’t eat brown acid. I’m not sure I would’ve went with “Whole Lotta Love” as a theme song for the ride, I think “Stairway to Heaven” is the obvious choice and I will be sure to remember to express my outrage towards this song choice on an online bulletin board thing like so many nerd-blooded Americans do today. I love those bulletin boards and how people insult each other constantly. It’s like pulling your rope ladder up into your tree house and then throwing rocks at the people below.
I got so excited about this roller coaster that I went over to our local Office of Amusements and Accepted Pranks to see if they knew of any other rides that were going to be there. By the way, on the way over there I got bit by a dog, which is about as ironic as Ice-T playing a cop on Law & Order.
"Fuck the Police! Oh wait..."
While at the OAAP, they told me that releasing any of the other new rides would violate the agreement they made with the Hard Rock Amusement Park. They could, however, tell me the names of some of the rejected rides. They showed me the promotional advertisement for each one as they would have appeared in the park’s brochure. If you’re still reading, here they are!
1. AC/DC’s Hell’s Swells
Remember those wave creator things at the amusement parks your parents used to drag you to as a kid? Remember how they would simulate real waves in an isolated environment? Remember how much fun you had desperately trying to keep your head above water to avoid sucking in another mouthful of urine flavored chlorine? Well, imagine doing it all over again, except this time “Thunderstruck” is played on a continual loop, it’s a marketing breakthrough!
In addition to the music, the water has been dyed red for that extra “Hellish” effect and the waves only have one setting: “Tsunami”. You might ask "Who would ever want to swim in that?" AC fucking DC, that's who. Kids will love being thrashed around in a sea of fake blood. Hey, I spent junior prom doing the exact same thing and I couldn’t be happier today.
Hell's Swells has NOT been endorsed by Dingo Dolly's Topless Bar and Seafood Palace, acting as the estate of Bon Scott
2. The Rolling Stones’ Wild Horses Ride
That’s right, real wild horses for your kids to play with! These horses have been imported straight off of Sable Island which is off the coast of Argentina we think, so they’ll be extra spicy hahahaha. Anywhoo, your kids will be thrilled to be forced to ride these majestic beasts bareback and with their nuts tied up behind their asses for extra rage – the horses not your kids. Of course, you must sign a waiver before any of your kids get on the horses just in case they go all Christopher Reeve on us. So bring your cowboy hats, your six shooters and your neck braces and get ready to ride into the sunset like so many alcoholic bandits have done throughout history.
"Don't worry kids, I've fellen off horses many a time, dusn't hurt a bit"
3. Sid Delicious' Cotton Candy and Nose Ring Canteen
Not many people realize this but the coroner who examined Sid Vicious' body found a secret cotton candy recipe tucked into his frayed leather jacket. Sid just keeps on giving, even after his death. Well, he didn't actually play on the recording of "Never Mind the Bollocks" so I guess this is the first thing he has really contributed other then mutliating himself in front of truckers. Also, the cotton candy is partially made from insulation but that's how Sid would've liked it. Oh yeah, you can get nose rings there as well but we ran out of antiseptic so bring your own.
"Welcome to Sid's may I take your order?"
4. The Lynyrd Skynyrd Flight Simulator
Since 9/11, knowing how to properly fly a plane in an emergency is crucial to the upbrining of any true American child. This game allows kids to learnto fly the Lynryd Skyryd way, on drugs and upside down! So give it a gander won't you? You won't be saving any of rock's icons but you could be saving lives in the future, unless you don't love your country.
Wow, I am totally shocked at the descriptions for those rides. I mean, WHY the hell would they be rejected? They are totally awesome, I'm gonna petition Bozo the Clown or whoever runs those parks because this is just ludicrous.
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