1987…A Trip Back in Time

A wise man once said, “Aging…it ain’t for the wimpy.” I couldn’t agree more. Can you believe that it’s been over twenty years since Spuds Mackenzie first appeared in an ad for Budweiser? Spuds changed my life – he inspired me to make my trademark black sunglasses a part of my permanent wardrobe and his Hawaiian shirts first introduced me to the “Aloha State.” Most importantly, even though I’d been married a few times before learning of Spuds I never felt entirely comfortable around the ladies, but Spuds’ confidence and natural ease around the opposite sex seemed so darn natural, it gave me enough second-hand confidence to get out there and realize I could be of some worth in the eyes of a woman. If Spuds was not even the same species as a woman, but felt comfortable drinking brewskis pool side and looking like a cocky shit all day long, what was I so afraid of? As the ads said, that Spuds was a real “ladies-dog.” Heh heh.






The original spud muffin






So you can imagine it was a pretty big burn when it turned out that ol’ womanizing Spuds Mackenzie was actually a lady canine. That’s right, just like Benji and Lassie before her, Spuds was a female posing as a dude. What a blow to my masculine self-esteem. It was like I’d been taking dating advice from a tranny. I remember asking myself repeatedly whenever I needed a pick-me-up in the late eighties before heading off to whatever bar was having ladies night, “what does ‘ol Spuds have that this Dog doesn’t?” I didn’t expect the answer to be a vagina.

I remember buying a twelve-pack after hearing the news – not of Budweiser - turning the lights off in my van and crying. Scratch that, weeping. Ol’ Dog don’t like to admit it, but he’s got a heart the size of a barn door. It’s a long story why I was residing in a van, which is for another post, but I’ll just say that the fall out from being a famous child actor hits even the sturdiest of us pretty hard. In fairness to Spuds, he or she or however you think of Spuds pulled off the female acting as male thing better than anyone before Rosie O’Donnell. It took more than a few Hard Copy segments on the scandal to truly convince me that Spuds was a “she” not a “he.”



Spuds' lesser-known sibling Portobello Mackenzie. Spuds gave me the idea for the shades, but the leather was all Portobello's doing






Long story short, Long Tree Evil Eye (Spud’s real name) died at the age of 10 in 1993 due to kidney failure. 10 ain’t old for a dog, although Spuds probably became a drunk and a coke head from the trauma of constant gender identity confusion. Then again, I was surrounded by free beer for the first ten years of my life thanks to a drunk of a dad, and I turned out alright. Hollywood chews you up and spits you out faster than a rancid burrito from Taco Bell, and that’s got to be what did Spuds in so quickly.



The holiest of grails





Which brings me to my next point. Spuds has to be considered the best marketing dog ever. Sure, there have been others…that little Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials for instance. To be honest, though, it always made me uncomfortable imagining such a little dog ingesting so much Mexican food. I stand nearly 5’7” myself (5’10” counting the heels in my cowboy boots), and Taco Bell does a number on my lower trumpet at the best of times. Notice how we never hear of that little guy anymore? I bet the food he sponsored killed him in the end. Another wise man once said, “What we love most of all eventually destroys us.” Rest in peace little Mexican dog, rest in peace. Did they at least have the decency to bury you with that massive sombrero you wore so well?



A former Whiskas spokeskitten, and yet another victim of Hollywood over-indulgence




As a disclaimer, I have issues with Mexico in general right now, which might be flavoring my opinion of all things Mexican. I just hope my lawyers are thinking outside the bun on how to keep me away from a Mexican jail.