I'll Take "Kiss My Ass, Alex Trebek" For $1000

So I was supposed to be on a taping of Celebrity Jeopardy with the guy who played Chewbacca and Burt Reynolds but Doug, my agent, screwed up again and I somehow ended up on the regular show with two people who were actually intelligent. Not only was I way out of my element I also missed the chance to get Burt to sign my Smokey and the Bandit 6’ by 8’ commemorative wall hanging Beth and I keep in our bedroom.












Breaker breaker, a lotta lovin’ happens under this wall hangin’. Roger that. Haha man that never gets old.

I was sent home with the Jeopardy board game but half the pieces were missing so the whole thing was pretty much a bust. The only thing I did get out of it was a transcript from the show:

THIS…IS…JEOPARDY!

Tonight’s contestants:

An electro-physicist from Portland Maine, Wally Marsh. A self-made bounty hunter from Honolulu, Hawaii, Duane “Dog” Chapman. And our returning champion, a Nobel Prize winning crypto-pathologist from Albuquerque, New Mexico, Rachael Peabody, whose 40 day cash winnings total 375 thousand dollars. Now, here’s your host, Aleeeeeex Trebek!

Alex: Thank you, Johnny. Welcome to the show everyone, as you know, Rachael has been unstoppable these last few weeks, lets get right into it shall we and see how our other competitors fare today.

Here are our categories: Metals, U.S. Presidents, Law Enforcement, The “Eyes” Have It, notice the “Eyes” in quotation marks there, Common Bonds and finally, Potent Potables where the ingredients of an alcoholic drink are provided and you must name that drink.

As always our returning champion goes first so Rachael, you have control of the board but before we begin can I ask you to put out that cigarette please Dog? Thank you. Ok Rachael, lets go.

Rachael: I’ll take U.S. Presidents for $200

Alex: He is the only President of the United States to have resigned from office…Dog?

Dog: Abraham Lincoln

Alex: The form of a question, please Dog.

Dog: Abraham Lincoln?

Alex: Phrase it as a question please.

Dog: Abraham Liiiincoooln?

Beep Beep Beep

Alex: I’m sorry you’re out of time…Rachael?

Rachael: Who is Richard Nixon?

Alex: Correct, go again.

Rachael: I’ll try The “Eyes” Have It for $800 please.

Alex: Frank Sinatra had a hit with this Al Dubin song in 1958…Dog?

Dog: Ahh, I know this…What is…I’d like to ask the audience please Alex.

Beep Beep Beep

Alex: I’m sorry Dog you ran out of time and I believe you are thinking of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire…Rachael?

Rachael: What is “I onl-

Dog: Turbo Lover

Alex: Dog, you can only ring in once. Sorry Rachael, go ahead.

Rachael: What is “I only have eyes for you”?

Alex: Correct, select again.

Rachael: I’ll take Metals for $1000 please

Alex: This “heavy” metal reacts variably with dilute hydrochloric acid

Dog: Iron Maiden

Alex: You must buzz in first, Dog…ok go.

Dog: Who is Iron Maiden

Alex: No…Wally?

Wally: What is zinc?

Alex: Correct, please select.

Dog: Oh I get it, it was the metal not the actual band, geez.

Wally: I don’t think you’re supposed to be talking to me right now.

Alex: Wally, please select.

Wally: I’ll take Potent Potables for $600

Alex: Please name this drink: 2 ounces rye whiskey, ½ ounce sweet vermouth, a dash of Angostura bitters…Dog?

Dog: What is a Bronx

Alex: No…Wally?

Wally: What is a Manhattan?

Alex: Correct.

Dog: Well where I come from we call ‘em Bronx’s because they’re a bit stronger, you know what I’m sayin’, Alex?

Alex: Yes, quite. Wally please select.

Wally: I’ll take Common Bonds for $800 please

Alex: Bad habits, footballs, buckets…Dog?

Dog: Things that are…what are things that are round

Alex: No…Rachael?

Rachael: What are things you kick?

Alex: Correct…Dog, stop holding your buzzer down please.

Dog: Well I think this thing is broken or something

Alex: Select a category please Rachael

Dog: Got a screwdriver on you, Wally?

Alex: Dog, please, let us continue the game…Rachel, go ahead.

Rachael: I’ll take Law Enforcement for $1000

Alex: This man captured fugitive Andrew Luster in Mexico in 2003…Dog?

Dog: Who is Domino Harvey

Alex: No…Wally?

Wally: Who is Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Dog: *expletive*

Alex: Dog, please, no swearing on this show. You are correct, Wally. We’ve come to our first break, Wally is in the lead with $2,600, Rachael has $1800 and Dog is trailing with negative $4,400. It’s time to meet our contestants, Wally Marsh is an electro-physicist, and it says here that you once had an exciting experience while on vacation Wally, tell us about that.

Wally: Well, Alex, my family and I were in Delaware, on our way to see the world’s largest collection of lint when my wife noticed that there was a bee in our car, not on the outside but literally right in the car with us. Well, she started screaming and I had to pull over. I knew I had to act fast so I rolled down the windows and we all jumped out, after about half an hour the bee finally left but it was pretty scary there for a while.

Alex: I bet, that’s pretty –

Dog: What kind of a bull*expletive* story is that supposed to be? C’mon.

Alex: Please, Dog, wait your turn, and again, there is no swearing on Jeopardy. Ok, next we have Duane –

Dog: Dog

Alex: Sorry, Dog Chapman from Honolulu and you are…kind of an interesting character-

Dog: What the *expletive* is that supposed to mean, brah?

Alex: Nothing, I just meant that your career as a bounty hunter makes you an interesting individual, and Dog, if you swear once more I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Tell us about your profession, please.

Dog: Well, mostly it’s trackin’ down ice heads –

Alex: Wait a second now, ice heads, what is that exactly?

Dog: It’s someone with a head full of ice, Alex. Anyway, when they jump bail we track ‘em, catch ‘em and send ‘em back to jail, Hawaii style.

Alex: And what kind of style is that?

Dog: Uhh…pretty similar to the styles of other States I guess.

Alex: Now, I noticed that you smoke, and all of America now knows you swear. Isn’t that somewhat contradictory to the clean living lifestyle you press onto the people you capture?

Dog: What am I on trial here?

Alex: Just answer the question, please.

Dog: Here’s an answer for ya, ‘This man kicked the living *expletive* out of Alex Trebek for askin’ too many questions!’

Alex: Ok, get security out here please. I’ve had enough of this.

Dog: Want the question mother*expletive*? Dog the *expletive* Bounty Hunter, that’s who!

Alex: That still wasn’t in the form of a question, moron. Ok, cut to commercial please.

End Tape












Go back to Canada Trebek, wherever that is.


Who would have known that the security at Jeopardy would carry tasers? Looking at the multiple burn marks on my chest I would say they were the Max Jolter 3000, that’s a decent model. Anyway I was thrown out before I could compete in Double Jeopardy where I’m sure I would’ve turned things around.