The Dog's Blog: I Make This Look Good

A&E approached me a few months back about approving some apparel and merch to put up for sale on their website so that my fans could start living their life just like their hero, Dog the Bounty Hunter. I told them that prayer and vitamins probably wasn't what they had in mind, but that's what gets me up each morning and what tucks me into bed each night. Thank you God for your kindness, and thank you Quest Pharmaceuticals for your jumbo Vitamin C bottles. I also told A&E that if fans wanted real insight into what makes Duane Chapman tick, it's religion, family, working out, Mars bars, and the nicotine patch I wear on days that my lungs can no longer take my three pack a day habit. In that order.

After a bit of clarification, they explained to me that they were thinking of something more along the lines of baseball caps and t-shirts, with maybe keychains and coffee mugs to go along with the shirts and caps. Immediately, an idea popped into my head. What about a shirt that said, "The Law Giveth, and The Dog Taketh Away"? They told me that was a great idea, but that they had a creative team to come up with the actual slogans and pictures on the shirts, and that all they needed from me was my approval and for me to sign a few documents.

For those who can't make out the back it says, "I like to hear that God goes before us, Because he is the Biggest bullet proof vest of all." Amen, brah

After signing the papers and offering my services to the creative team one last time, I was told that I actually could help with something important: picking out what to put in a "Stakeout Essentials" package that would be featured on the merch website. Again, it took a while to get on the same page with everybody else, because I started thinking something along the line of mace, tasers, a replica of the sawed-off shotgun I technically am not allowed to own due to my limited authority as a bounty hunter, the case of Twizzlers I keep in the trunk of my SUV that I get from Costco for $15.99 the first week of each month...but again, they stopped me before I got too carried away.

The local Honolulu Costco. It ain't exactly what I'd call an intimate shopping experience, but I dare you to find flatbeds of meat or beer-sized keggers of mustard cheaper anywhere else

I remember this part clearly, because an A&E executive named Robert Feemer asked me slowly and deliberately, while pressing both thumbs against a bending pencil if I recall correctly, "What types of things do you use on a stakeout that are legal, affordable, and safe, which we could stamp a Dog the Bounty Hunter logo onto and sell to fans of the show?" And then it came to me. As much as I love chasing tweakers and huffers across parking lots and tackling them into the bushes of golf courses and apartment building hedges, I positively hate having to wait for them to make a move. Tweakers are on space cadet time, and so me and my team sometimes wait for days on end sitting in our SUVs talking and eating Carl Jrs., usually getting ketchup and mustard all over our expensive binoculars and night vision goggles. Damned tweakers.

Anyways, a must for every member of the Dog's bounty hunting team, yours truly included, is a comfortable throw pillow and blanket for those surprisingly chilly Honolulu nights.

Dog = Comfy

I also was told to say I like having one of those nylon, drawstring, fake backpack things on me that I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would own or use, but A&E insisted I say good things about, and finally what would a stakeout be without a Swiss Army Knife? Now this is a product I like.

Boys and girls, can you say, "Waste of money"?

This knife includes clippers to cut your toenails with, a washable toothpick to help get the Ponderosa buffet out of your teeth - should you be high rolling enough to eat at Ponderosa, that is...now that my show is syndicated, Beth and I eat there at least twice a week - and tweezers to remove unsightly nose and ear hair. What, you think the Dog looks this pretty by accident?