These Boots Were Made For Doggin'

It was 04:30 hours, was feelin’ antsy, itchy and just plain bored. Needed somethin’ to take the edge off. I Clapped-On the lights and rolled outta bed. I weren’t worried about wakin’ Beth up, that broad sleeps with a mask over her face and she snores like a rhino. Do rhinos snore? Hell if I know, brah, but my gut says they do and that’s good enough for me.

I threw my shades on, yeah I’m still in the house but I do what I want, when I want. Nobody tells me when and where I can wear my shades, not even Beth. Just a minute, wanna check she’s still sleepin’. Yeah, as I was sayin’ nobody tells me what to do ‘round here. I bring home the bacon, and that’s that. I bring home so much bacon, if there was a world-wide bacon shortage I bet George Bush would call me himself and say ‘Dog, we need ya brah, there ain’t no more bacon’. That’s how much bacon I bring home.

I decided to polish the stainless steel tips of my cowboy boots, never know when yer gonna need to plant one of these tips squarely up the ass of some tweaker. At 04:45 hours I noticed there was a hole in the side of my boot, a mother of a hole, brah. Sniffing it, I determined it had been burned. Must have been that little shit Gary Boy, he’s only four but he’s sharp as a Bowie knife. That kid is gonna be a pyro, once I gave him a cigarette as a reward for accepting Jesus Christ into his life and he lit it right next to Beth’s hair. If there’s one thing we as a family know, never have an open flame next to Beth’s hair, that rat’s nest erupted like Mount Kilauea. Ahh shit I love the little brussel sprout though, I really do.

There weren’t no way ‘round it, I needed new boots. I called Young Blood and Leland to bring the SUV over. I know of an all night boot place right here in Honolulu, Crocs Inc. Best damn boots in town, made of pure crocodile. Sure they’re endangered but you know what else is endangered? Our safety. You want some tweaker ripping your door down with his teeth and butchering your family? Do you want that? Do you? Well then, step aside and let the Dog wear crocodile if he wants.

Leland and Young Blood arrived at 04:55 hours. I grabbed a fresh can of bear mace and slipped it into my belt. I get this mace shipped in from my brah in Ontario, Troy Hurtubise. Troy’s a genius, I’m getting him to make me a suit capable of shooting mace from the arms and a 150 pound fishnet from the chest all the while cranking Judas Priest out of giant speakers located next to the helmet. Haven’t got all the details pounded out yet, not sure how the suit will hold up with 120 degree heat here in Hawaii and how I’ll be able to chase anyone in it since it weighs 185 pounds. Ya see, runnin's my strongest skill, hell, I’d put running on my resume if I had one, but I don’t because I don’t need one. I’m an employee of the streets. I don’t punch in, I punch out, the tweakers that is. Ha, that’s pretty good, gotta remember that one.

Like Troy, I don’t believe in guns, goes against my religion, and my court order, but mostly my religion. I’d say it’s 70% religion and 30% court order.

At 05:10 we rolled out to get the boots. Of course, I went to put my Priest cd in and just because Leland’s drivin’ he think he runs the radio. So of course we had to listen to “Jesus take the Wheel” on a continuous loop. Don’t get me wrong, any song about Jesus is aces in my book but c’mon, every man has his breaking point. I felt like if I heard that song one more time it was gonna be Dog takin’ the wheel and ramming the SUV into an oncoming tractor trailer. Young Blood didn’t say nothin’ of course, he just kept busy re-braidin' his rat tail in the backseat.

We arrived at Crocs Inc, I let Leland and Young Blood get out first to see if there was anyone ready to tag me. Now that I’m a celebrity I need to take extra precaution. We got the boots on a deal, brah. I busted the owner’s nephew a few months back, he was tweakin’ real bad but he turned it around, he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, I gave him a pack of Camels and the world was right, for a few minutes at least . Anyway, for helpin’ his nephew out like I did he gave me a new pair for half price. They’re all croc, yet all Dog baby. At 05:40 we rolled back home. I threw my new boots on and jumped back into bed and let the sweet rhythm of Beth’s snorin’ take me away to dreamland.

Stay cool, stay clean.