Those were the carefree days
Anyway, I was supposed to have a small part in the The Twilight Zone’s 1962 episode “A Most Unusual Toaster” where thieves steal a toaster from an old man’s mansion but the bread that comes out of it is somehow made from their own flesh, little by little they eat themselves to death unknowingly. I’m pretty sure they went back in time somehow too because I remember there being Nazis involved. My only line was supposed to be “your legs look a little shorter” but I kept saying “your legs look a sittle lorter” by accident and they replaced me with someone the director called “a little less retarded”.
My profile as a child actor when Technicolor first became available
I almost had my big break in 1974 when I auditioned for the part of Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I couldn’t believe it when the director told me that my ability to scare the shit out of people was palpable but my face just wasn’t leathery enough. As a side note, I sent my recent photo to the studios for the wicked 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake because lets face it, after 15 years of the Honolulu sun I look like a saddlebag with eyes. I never heard back from them though.
I kicked around for a long time after that, getting bit parts here and there. I managed to land a few commericals including a pretty sweet deal with the ToeHugs sock company, it was one of those deals where they would take pictures of you and you had to pretty much guess what they were advertising, I thought it worked well.
C'mon feel the Dog
After that I landed a few episodes of The Fall Guy as Lee Major’s stunt double which was kind of weird because he played a stunt man doubling as a bounty hunter and I was real stunt man about to be a real bounty hunter, eat it Majors
My big break finally did come when I was made aware of an audition for a coming-of-age TV drama centering on an outlaw biker with a heart of gold and his spunky side-kick who roam the heartland of America solving crimes. It was going to be called “Touched by a Hell’s Angel” and I was stoked to be trying out for the role of Damian Garside, sidekick to Rance Dutchman. However there were script problems from day one and when they brought in the talking muskrat as a reincarnated Native chief to guide us I knew I was on a downward spiral. The agent they assigned me wasn’t legit in my opinion either, I’m pretty sure he stole money from me repeatedly.
My agent wasn’t worth his weight in spit, which incidentally was about 300 gallons
The biggest kick to the shins came when they hired real Hell’s Angels to shoot some of the fight scenes between Rance and a band of Oklahoma ninjas in the episode “Pipe Fitter by Day, Ninja by Night”. Well brah, those Angels showed up drunker than a mule on holiday and destroyed the entire set. I had a new found respect for those Hell’s Angels after they almost killed Rance and my agent. I only survived by hiding in the sidecar. Once the Angels left, the producers said they couldn’t afford to rebuild the set because they had stolen most of the pieces from Bonanza in the first place. They also gave us a message from the studio who said they were having second thoughts because this movie was seriously eating into their cocaine fund and what the hell were we doing in Oklahoma anyway when the entire thing was supposed to be shot in L.A.?
The show was dropped and eventually picked up by Disney where it was retooled and turned into a better series in my opinion, the poster below tells the story much better than I can.
That cow has amazing range
I never went back to acting because I’ve got a full time gig now, bounty hunting. And when lady justice calls you’d better accept the charges.
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