If you think I’m judging my biological father too harshly, riddle me this: who promised me and my siblings and my mama an above ground pool for three straight summers, then when he finally broke down and got one used it to host chicken fights in the backyard? Give up? It was my daddy! You try standing with your entire family – well, almost your entire family – in swimming trunks with towels slung over your arms and flippers on your feet good to go, while your daddy yells through a crowd of sweaty blue collar workers with wads of cash in their hands, “Quit nagging me! I’m working! Do you want to swim or do you want to eat tonight? Yeah, I thought so.”
Dad visiting with friends
Yep, I was quite the sad sack, a living, breathing country music tune all through my twenties and thirties, drifting from town to town, drinking and fighting and sexing up everything I could get my hands on. I even made love to a discarded typewriter desk one night, but that was after huffing Elmers glue and eating hash brownies for nine straight hours, so can you blame me?
Are you lonesome tonight?
I saw the original Rocky seventeen times after it came out Christmas of ’76, and by the summer of ’77 I was ready to change my name to Duane Balboa. Sly Stallone was someone I could relate to, and I can tell you it was a great feeling spending my last $3600 on a cutting edge Sony Umatic VCR so I could watch Rocky over and over again in the comfort of whatever hotel room I happened to be staying in at the time. The VCR was also great for doing arm presses with on the road, as it weighed nearly two hundred pounds.
Pirating movies was quite simple with Umatic VCRs
My new name was either going to be Duane Balboa or Duane Skywalker, and even though I’m not Italian, I am a stallion and Balboa just rolled off the tongue better than Skywalker. The paperwork went through on August 5th, 1977, but just as I was just getting used to the name, cruel fate would have Lynyrd Skynyrd’s plane go down deep in the bayou. As a founding member of the tribute band Skynyrdgy, and just as a general tribute to the most rocking band in the history of ever, I ate the cost of changing my name once already and changed it again on October 20th, 1977. The lady who processed the paperwork asked me if I was hiding from someone on account of changing my name so much, and if I was she thought the names Duane Balboa and Duane Skynyrd were not exactly the most inconspicuous of choices. Crazy broad.
Bettttttthhhhh!
Legally, I was Duane Skynyrd from 1977 until 1986, and by the time another Stallone classic Cobra rolled into theatres, I was ready for a change. I changed my name for the third time on July 15th, 1986, and until the fall of 1988 I was known as Duane “Cobra” Cobretti. Then after nine years of running from the truth, I finally realized that just because a dumbass handed his name down to you it don’t necessarily make you a dumbass, and so back it went to Duane Chapman. Thank goodness too, as it got changed back just in time for my audition on American Gladiators.
Skynyrdgy really lost its way in the '80s
4 comments:
What's up Dog, I have always liked your show but over the last few months I have become increasingly more obsessed with it. My husband claims to not like it but he watches it, ( I think he's intimidated by you HA HA)he lived in Hawaii for five years while stationed there in the Army. So watching I think brings back good memories for him.
BUT I liked hearing about the evolution or revolution of your name. That is hysterical about Duane Skynard. I had a really really long german last name before I got married and it was known to everyone in my city because my dad has been an elected official since 1965 and this is a name that NO ONE else has so when I got married and had to change it to what the equivilant of "smith" would be (for privacy purposes)I was not happy. I loved my "infamous" last name. Everywhere I went in the city, especially in the political district, people would hear it and say "Oh is that your dad?" Or even if I called the local phone company or a business to order something they even knew. It was like being a celebrity. I didn't mind one bit, my Dad is the politician you are proud of, honest and credible fights for what is right not what the Party necessarily wants. And then he finally retired as a Municipal court Judge. After 35 years of City Council and County Commissions, and of all things Immingration law he said this is where his heart has always been in the Justice System. Which worked out for me because I then was able to get a job working for the Clerk of Courts. I guess that's one reason I am so drawn to your life style is that I live it and breathe it too.
But when the time came to make the decision to go from a 12 letter last name to a four letter "Smith-like" last name I finally decided I would change my middle name to my maiden name and then hyphenate the two. Well after a few years of complete confusion from creditors and familty members I finally realized that as proud as I am of my Dad and my name, I am a grown up and I am just as proud of my husband (who is a Gulf War Veteran and a recovering addict)so away went the goofy hyphenation and now I am just what I am, not so much my father's daughter, but my husband's wife. And I am proud to be his wife no matter what last name it is and I am proud to give that name to our two children. I have created a family that I am proud of and that is what it represents. Who you have become not who you gave it to you.
Ok sorry that was a really long comment (my bad)I am new to the blog thing. Although. . . I guess I could look at it as making up for the fact that no one else ever comments on your blogs, soooooooo there ya go. . . my two cents along with a little life story attached. I feel kinda priviliged that I am the only one hmmmmmmm oh well.
Thanks for reading the blog, Kristen1978. Before repsonding any further, we should tell you that
we aren't the real Dog the Bounty Hunter. This site is fictional and meant to be humorous and we apologize if we've made it seem otherwise. We hope you keep
reading the blog, but in no way are we affiliated with the actual Dog the Bounty Hunter or his television program. Best wishes.
There is an article on the faith of Dog Chapman found at the Red letter believers site ---
http://redletterbelievers.blogspot.com/2007/04/dog-bounty-hunter-gods-bloodhound.html
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