1. Finishing second to Boba Fett in Trophy Hunter magazine’s list of the ‘50 Most Famous Bounty Hunters of All Time.’
2. Discovering that Kokomo isn’t an actual place. Fuck you Beach Boys.*
3. Missing Lilo and Stitch when it played in theatres. That movie captured Hawaiian life perfectly, but it’s just not the same on DVD. (And I’m not saying who’s Lilo and who’s Stitch in my marriage to Beth. Ha Ha.**)
4. Not being a passenger on United flight 93. Me, Beth, and the boys would have personally kept that bird in the air. As we say on the islands, ‘Onipa ‘a, my fallen brothers and sisters.’
5. That neither I, nor any member of my family has a pilot’s license. I might have spoken too quickly on regret number 4.
6. The three unused Subway stamp cards in my wallet from 2002. Why offer these stamps in the first place if you aren’t going to honor your half of the agreement, Subway Corporation?
7. Not looking good in a cowboy hat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in love with my hair, but a black cowboy hat could really tie my look together. Unfortunately, my ears don’t hold up hats very well.
8. Not wearing sunscreen. My face looks like a baseball mitt.
9. Discovering so late in life that 7-11s in Hawaii sell Pina Colada slurpees. So delicious.
10. Never meeting Hulk Hogan. Although I’m happy to announce that this regret is being remedied at the annual Super Tanner’s Convention next month in Lake Tahoe. Hulk has arranged that we sit together, and at the same table as Bob Barker and Jessica Simpson, no less.
11. Not having my tubes tied after kid eleven. I love every one of my ankle biters, but come on, we’re not fielding a baseball team here, right?
12. Never having an opponent as formidable as Han Solo. The closest was when Harrison Ford got caught with a DUI in Maui in 2005, though the local police handled that one quickly and quietly all by themselves.
13. Saying in an MSNBC interview that criminals who run bug me more than criminals who hide. Really, these are two sides of the same coin. Criminals run so that they can hide. And how can you hide without doing a little running? Anyways, I wish I had of said hide, not run. That interviewer was really in my face with all the questions.
14. That I don’t live in the distant future or the distant past. It’s kind of a lousy time for bounty hunters. The Old West is gone, but we don’t yet have lasers or vehicles that can fly. This depresses me, frankly.
* The moderators of this blog didn’t have the heart to tell Dog that a place called Kokomo, Indiana, in fact does exist. Though to be fair, we have a feeling The Beach Boys weren’t singing about the exotic locale of Kokomo, Indiana in their song.
** Note: Dog is not laughing here. In Hawaii ‘Ha Ha’ means ‘Marriage can be tough.'
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