That’s why last year I went to the Honolulu Public Library and told the young adult librarian there my library programming ideas, although the only "program" these kids should need is the one handed out every sunday in church. I found out later out I was really talkin’ to the janitor which is why, I'm assuming, I didn’t hear back from them on my three ideas, “Hitchhiking, the lost art form”, “How to win friends and influence enemies in prison” and "The Ultimate Fighting Challenge as class credit".
Well, this year we’ve got a bunch of new young adult library programming ideas that me, Leland and Youngblood put together after lots of long nights deliberating the fate of America’s youth over riblet platters at Applebee’s. Here they are:
1. Community chimney sweep night
Sweeping chimneys teaches kids hard work, discipline and the ability to conquer the crippling fear of claustrophobia whether they are ready for it or not.
Some people say breathing in soot is bad for your health and stunts your growth, tell that to this plucky 47 year old.
2. Young Adult Firearm Swap
All kids need to know how to properly handle firearms. When I was five my dad took me in the woods, dressed me like a deer and gave me a five minute head start while he loaded his rifle. I came out alive, sufferin’ only a few flesh wounds not unlike Ice-T in “Surviving the Game”. After my dad sobered up I told him how much I had learned from the ordeal and that I was grateful he didn’t aim at my head. He assured me he had no clue what I was talking about. The point of the story is, guns are a great way to teach youth respect. Guns are like the blood that runs through the veins of this country. No wait, the bullets should probably be the blood and the guns the veins, no, the guns should be the organs but I guess that wouldn’t work either unless the country was some sort of giant robot with weapons for organs…that’d make a solid movie though.
God Bless America
3. Hunting, trapping and skinning your way to success
Living in the city means I can’t trap and skin wild animals no more but it doesn’t mean I can’t trap and skin domestic ones. The only drawback is that the neighbor’s cats don’t put up as much of a fight as say, a puma, but it still gives me a rush every time. Trapping and skinning gives kids the skills they need to survive and I don’t even have to tell you how great it looks on a resume.
This is just one of the reasons to be a hunter or trapper
4. Meet your local carnie
Who doesn’t love carnies? Hell I practically grew up at an amusement park, well I actually did grow up in an amusement park after my mother left me at the base of the Orbiter to “go find some sugar” and never came back. I was raised by various people including the bearded lady and the world's tallest midget. Even Leland was born on a Tilt-A-Whirl. I love amusement parks so much I’m now a proud spokesman for Carny Town, the fourth best carnival web site around. Carny Town is affiliated with Playland Amusements out of Auburn, New York, now enjoying their fifth dismemberment free month.
I know the feelin' brah, getting yer wife an anniversary present can be hard. My advice? Go with the Def Leppard mirror.
As part of my agreement I’m also supposed to mention Bones’ pictures and toys, specializing in stock hooks and lead based yo-yos and I can't forget the good ol' boys down at the Rio Slurpee Company, now with pork flavor!
I don’t know about you, but I’d check out her Tea Cups any day. That means I’d bang her.
The point here is, Carnie's teach kids lots of life lessons. They'll learn many things, including how to operate a maximum of two buttons on a piece of machinery, the importance of staying awake on the job and the fact that you don't need basic personal hygiene or even teeth to pursue a career.
5. Fix Dog's toilet day
This things been actin’ up ever since Youngblood and I got into a major rumble over who would win in a Masters of the Universe fight to the death, Stinkor or Trap-Jaw.
There you have 'em, now the only thing to do is wait for those fat checks from the public library to roll in, I hear those places are loaded.
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