Fear Does Not Exist in this Dog

I was away for a few days attending what I thought was the 6th Annual Taser, Mace & Pepper Spray exhibit in Findlay, Ohio but the venue must have gotten changed around or Leland was just messin’ with me or something because what I ended up going to was the 2007 Flag City Air gun, BB gun and Cap gun show. I was so cheesed off I felt like going over and drop kicking the first person I saw, which happened to be that prick from the Cobra Kai Dojo on Karate Kid. This just got my blood a-boilin’ and all the memories of how he treated Daniel and Mr. Miyagi came rushing to my head faster than my daily dose of Flonase.




Careful with that finger Kreese. this Dog bites



I walked over and said somethin’ like “Hey Kreese, ain’t so tough without Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Dutch and Jimmy around are ya brah?” He acted all dumb like he didn’t know what the hell I was talkin’ about. I figured he was up to something, probably trying to infiltrate the cap gun industry and bring it down from the inside to deprive America’s children their God given right to bear arms. Well brother, not on my watch. Once again he tried to be all nice and shit but I leaned in real close and told him I was onto his little scam and once I figured it out I would be back with Mr. Miyagi to kick some Cobra Kai tail. “Sweep the leg” indeed, I bet the only sweepin’ that tool is doing is at the local elementary school where he’s the janitor. I wish I’d thought of that line when I was in Ohio.

After a full investigation at the local bar, “A Salt and Battery” I found out that there was no scam, Kreese was just there workin’ off a DUI. I also found out that Mr. Miyagi is dead so the karate showdown at the cap gun show probably wouldn’t have worked out.





Mr. Miyagi as I'll always remember him






After downing several brewski’s in Mr. Miyagi’s honor I decided to “wax off” back to good ol’ Honolulu. Turns out that gettin’ me out of the house was a just a trick by the rest of the family so that “While You Were Out Hawaii” could come in and remodel the house. It was kind of a let down though because the crew apparently ran out of funding half way through so now I’ve got a inaccessible deck, half a basketball court with no net and a bar in the rec-room which is basically just two wobbly stools and a broken neon sign that reads “The Dog Ho”.





I'll never watch that show again




The only thing they did finish was the bathroom but they must have sent over one of those gay New Age designers for this episode because I gotta tell ya brah, I wouldn’t make the most tweakin’, wife beatin’ violent ice head take a dump in there.

The first thing I noticed was that they installed a talkin’ toilet paper roll that yells at you every time you break off a square. It lets you record any message you want. Beth suggested “please remain seated for the performance”. I think “This job’s the shits” is more like it because I seriously haven’t seen retarded talking appliances like this since the Flintstones.

The next thing I noticed was that an American Idol radio/microphone had been installed in the shower. I like singin’ in the shower as much as the next man but having it connected to amplifiers and built in speakers through the whole house is ridiculous. I don’t mind makin’ the neighbors listen to my rendition of “Call Me The Breeze” at 5:00 AM but I don’t think I want them to hear me scrubbin’ my balls at the same time.







Any requests?










A Color Fusion shower head was also installed. It changes the color of the water depending on how hot it is. I only take cold showers because I believe hot water carries disease and makes you sluggish and I need to be on top form 24/7. Anyway, when I went for my usual cold shower I freaked out because the water came out bright blue and I mean bright, like I was being pissed on by a Smurf. Well, I fell backward thinking I had eaten some bad Arby’s (if that’s even possible) and was hallucinatin’ or something and I managed to rip my Dukes of Hazzard shower curtain right off the rings in the process. Once Beth told me about the color fusion thing I calmed down but I might not take a shower for a week or two just in case I lose it again.





Color me embarrassed





The final blow to my bathroom and therefore my manhood was the installation of the Fish ‘n Flush toilet/aquarium. I don’t even want to know how this thing works. All I can say is, there better be some pretty hardy fish in that tank because when I come home after poundin’ back a few drinks my aim ain’t too good.




I hope plumbers have degrees in marine biology nowadays





I just want to forget this entire ordeal even happened. My only hope now is to call that walking crap stain Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, punch a few holes in the walls and make some of my kids sit in wheelchairs when the ABC crew comes over so they will feel sorry for us and redo the entire house.