Nitro Rhymes With Gay-O

Many of you might not know this, but I was one of the original seven American Gladiators. We all had cool nicknames, I insisted mine be “Dog” of course. The only drawback was we had to come up with tag lines for each other, I drew Nitro’s name, and he drew mine. I came up with “cocky, explosive, and always aggressive”. What he wrote for me was “obscene, foul smelling and possibly rabid”. Needless to say we didn’t hit it off at all.

After getting slapped in the face with this insult I immediately jumped in my Atlasphere and tried to run him down but my hair beads got caught in the links as I was rolling and I and nearly ripped my own head off. I did however land right in the scoring pod so it wasn’t a total loss.















I bet you do a lot of that, Nitro


Once they freed me from my circular prison I offered Nitro a deal: We would play one game of Assault, Nitro would be shooting the tennis balls at me and I would be trying to score. If he won, I would leave American Gladiators and he would never see me again. If I won, I got to stay on American Gladiators and have sex with Zap. She didn’t know about that part of the deal but I could tell she dug me from day one when I accidentally gave her a concussion on the Snapback challenge.

Well, my troubles began early when Nitro began firing at me before I could even get my safety goggles on so I had to throw those away and dive behind the cardboard foliage. Then I accidentally fired my pneumatic rocket launcher backwards hitting Gemini square in the nuts which really didn’t help my cause any. By the time I made it to the styrofoam pillbox I was so short of breath I was beginning to black out (say no to cigarettes, kids). I found my two hand grenades but they exploded before I could throw them and I was blinded by silver glitter.

My only option was to charge the target and ram it with my face. Unfortunately I don’t remember much after that. I woke up in the American Gladiators Recovery Unit a few hours later. Joe Theismann would later say that he’d never seen someone get hit so many times in the groin and face with tennis balls. The doctor said I’d never be able to have kids, I’d like to bounty-hunt that bastard down with a vengeance I tell ya.

Needless to say I lost and had to leave American Gladiators before they even shot the first show. I did try to get on the Japanese version of Gladiators, Bang! Bang! Bang! but they said I was too fast for their cameras, or too obscene, I can’t really remember, those are pretty hazy times folks.









Stay out of Hawaii, puke-bag


I have no regrets, well, I have lots of regrets but I’m talking about American Gladiators here. The only thing that really chaps my thighs is that they cut me out of the American Gladiators music album. I really think that was my big break into the music scene. I felt my song “Swingshot Through The Heart” was gonna be a hit for sure. It’s bad enough they cut me from the album but they didn’t have to tell me my voice sounded like I gargled broken shot glasses, that was just uncalled for.

Nitro, all I can say is, don’t ever come to Hawaii, commit a crime, and then jump bail while in the district of Kakaako in the city of Honolulu during the hours that I am on duty because I will be all over you like Turbo on the Sky Track.