What a night we had, we caught a total of three ice heads. One was just a fluke though. We were all at the Sizzler and over staggers this guy to compliment me on my show. I can tell he’s tweakin’ but I can’t do nothin’ with my mace belt hung up on the other side of the booth and nothin’ in my hands but the maze that’s on the back of placemat. Anyway this walking crotch stain leans way over to get a better look at Beth and out from his jacket falls a bag of ice right into my Shirley Temple. That’s when my whole world went red. With my hands flat on the table I hoisted my entire body from the booth and kicked him in chest in one smooth motion. Leland and I drove him to jail so fast that when we got back to the Sizzler my steak was still warm. And oh yeah, I kept that tweaker’s jacket, it was acid washed, ‘nough said.
After the showdown in the restaurant I needed to wind down a little. Like most people, I relax by watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD. Beth can’t figure out why I watch them over and over again, she keeps saying I must know them by heart at this point. Truth is every show is like a brand new one to me because I suffer from CRS: Can’t Remember Shit. We all took it real hard when that show got cancelled, Youngblood still wears the armband. Chuck Norris has always been a hero to me, the guy can do anything. I found a picture of him warding off a rabid husky in the Arizona desert, it was on the internet so it had to be true.
I even started up a Chuck Norris fan club and tried to write to Chuck to persuade him to keep the show going but no dice. I still write him though, he finally wrote me back too, here’s an excerpt from one of Chuck’s letters:
“Mr. Chapman,
If you do not cease all correspondence with my client, Mr. Carlos Ray Norris, we will notify the authorities.
Sincerely,
Albert Winston
Counsel to Mr. Norris”
To be honest, that was the only letter I received from Chuck but I know he’s a busy man writing books on why evolution is a liberal farce aimed at sending us worthy Christians astray. Well I should get going, I finally remember this episode, it’s the one where Walker gets hit by a lightning bolt and gets sent back in time to the Old West to fight outlaws. Ahhh, if it was only possible, still, I don’t wear steel tips on my boots for nothin’. Stay safe, and to quote Chuck:
“If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is Jesus' blood”.
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