Dog v. Bigfoot Part I

So I get a call from my Doug, my agent again asking me to do a one hour documentary where I try to track down Bigfoot in response to all these sightings we’ve been having in the wilds of Hawaii. At least that’s what I thought he was asking me, he called me at 2:00 am from a club while eating a pizza. As for myself, I was dead to the world listening to my sleepin’ cd, “Even Wolves Dream” with a handful of Nytol Nighttime caplets in my gullet. Beth even had to take my Dreamer satin sleep mask off for me because I was so confused with the phone ringin’ and the wolves howlin’ at top volume.

After I got my faculties together and got Doug’s attention away from the strippers I realized what the sweet hell he was talking about. Apparently the documentary is going to be called “When Good Bigfoot Go Bad” and I was going to get paid a hefty sum to film myself, Leland and Youngblood hunting him down. He told me it was going to be aired on the Sci-Fi channel, that’s the Space channel to all you commies in Canada and ‘canal del Espacio Exterior’ to you soon to be illegal aliens down in Mexico.





I share the same dreams as wolves because I'm pretty sure wolves can dream about NASCAR




Doug told me the documentary would be aired from something like 3:00 – 4:00am so the only people who will probably see it will be alcoholics, the unemployable and guys in their early thirties with goatees and Dorito stains all over their face watching from their parents’ rec rooms with their pants around their ankles. Those guys should probably fall under the category of ‘unemployable’ as well, but I don’t care, it all translates into “cashish” for me brah.





The Sci-Fi Channel’s valued demographic






Leland and Youngblood tell me they don’t believe in Bigfoot, obviously they’ve never seen Harry and the Hendersons. I still can’t quite figure out the logistics of fitting Harry into that station wagon but all of my calls to John Lithgow have gone unanswered so I’ll just take his word for it. After watching that movie as well as "Little Bigfoot" and "Little Bigfoot 2: The Journey Home" I consider myself and expert in clepto-zoology. I tried to make both Leland and Youngblood watch those movies in preparation for our trip because once I get my head set on somethin’ I’m like…some sort of unstoppable creature who never gives up and is real hard to distract.





George Henderson must have had some custom suspension in that thing





I decided to keep a running log of our trip into the woods before and after we bagged this bitch.

05:30 Hours:

Out of bed with my mace belt attached to my clothes so I wouldn’t waste time. Called Leland and Youngblood to come and pick me up. Woke Beth up to make us some sandwiches. Skipped shower.

06:00 Hours:

Leland and Youngblood arrive to pick me up. Beth is still sleeping, I go into the bedroom with the jar of mayo, a can of tuna and a loaf of bread and explain to her how this relationship works.

07:30 Hours:

Sandwiches made and packed, don’t have room for the Igloo cooler in the SUV so had to jettison hair care products and Youngblood’s ghetto blaster, it’s gonna be one hell of a night. Beth won’t let us leave until I take out the recyclin’ but I can’t figure out what goes where with the milk cartons and Beth’s plastic eyelashes and all of that crap so I stuff it all in one bag and throw it on the curb, global warming is a myth anyway.

07:45 Hours:

We roll on out, get half a mile out of town and Leland realizes he forgot his sunglasses so we stop at a 7-11 to pick some up. Get distracted by wicked arcade game “Ms. Stacie”, owner tells us he designed it himself and shows us his lawsuit against Mrs. Pac Man.





Shame on you, Mrs. Pac Man






09:00 Hours:

Rejected owner’s requests to act as his lawyer with his new lawsuit against Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after reading his script for “Prepubescent Samurai Geckos” that was dated 1979. Get high score on Ms Stacie with 340,000 points, beating previous player, ‘FUC’ who had 325,000 points.

09:15 Hours:

Leave the 7-11 and head over to the multiplex for a morning showing of “Wild Hogs”. I ask for small soda but the old guy at the counter hands me a container the size of the base pan on my ’69 Firebird. I explain quite calmly that I want a small soda but Rip Van Senile mumbles something about that container being the smallest size they have. I decided to just accept it and hope my shriveled bladder can handle it.

09:30 Hours:

Wild Hogs confirmed as my favorite movie of all time.




Move over Above the Law, there’s a new champ in town








During the movie I use the camera the Sci-Fi Channel gave me to make a bootleg copy of Wild Hogs. Youngblood thinks we’ll be rich as thieves selling copies of it. I wasn’t too sure how to use the camera but I think I captured the essence of the movie:




This all you need to know about Wild Hogs





12:00 Hours:

We stop at the edge of the wilderness where the Bigfoot sightings were. Decided that the 4lb box of Rasinettes I ate at the movies wasn’t enough so we open the Igloo cooler to chow down the sandwiches.

12:03 Hours:

Realize that Beth forgot to make my onion, peanut butter and egg sandwiches. It becomes impossible to focus, mission aborted.

13:15 Hours

Return to base, explain once again to Beth the importance of having the correct rations while out on a mission. Beth’s response omitted from log. End day one.

Well there you have it, not much to show for except for an awesome movie and some intense stomach pain from the theatre food. I’m gonna take some time off from chasin’ Bigfoot for the time being. When the Sci-Fi channel asks for any preliminary footage of the documentary, we’ve got some pictures of Leland in a suit we got at WalMart, that should hold ‘em off for a while.





I sure can't tell the difference