We got there kinda of late though because Leland got us lost and we ended up at “Tyler’s Chainsaw and Trading Card Shop” instead. The whole place reeked of ganja so as soon as my nose hit the door I went into “orange alert”. My alert system is pretty much the same as the one George W. Bush uses except mine’s for meth-heads and his is for terrorists. I think I thought of it before September 11th but I’m cool with G.W. usin’ it. If those Liberals get into office though I’ll be recallin’ that puppy back faster than one of those defective Tickle Me Elmo things that tells children to go fuck themselves.
The streets shall flow with the blood of the unbelievers…wheeee!
Turns out the ganga smell that had set me off was just some Lotus-berry or Cran-fantastic incense or some other homosexual product so my alert level went back to its usual state, which is orange, I’m always on high alert you should know that by now people. Some of the products in the shop brought me way back man. I bought some Big League Chew but I don’t know if they stopped making it in 1987 or if that’s the last time ‘ole Tyler boy bought it because it tasted like oven cleaner.
After I vomited the “Chew” out the door I went to ask where exactly this Tyler was, I had a few words for him regarding customer satisfaction, namely mine. Turns out there is no Tyler, he was the former owner who had a chainsaw shop there. The current owners ran out of money making their sign so they just left “And Trading Card Shop” up. They must have spent all of their startup money on scales and ingredients to make their homemade drugs because talkin’ to the owner was like talking to Speedy Gonzales on PCP.
I was just about to give the ‘ole junky monkey a piece of my mind when I noticed his awesome collection of trading cards. I gotta tell ya brah I was like a kid in a candy store, but not with that stale shit like this place had, a candy store with premo candy. He had cards there I’d never seen before, I would’ve bought the entire Home Improvement TV show set for $800 but Beth wouldn’t let me. It even included a couple of error cards where you get to see the lower half of Wilson’s face and another one with Mark having sex with Al. What really caught my eye was the Desert Storm trading card set. It had it all, from Saddam Hussein to “Night Vision Goggles”. I bought 30 packs, I figured I could see how much the Antiques Roadshow would offer me for them if we ever figured out where the fuck it was being held.
I bet the gum tastes awesome
If the goal was to make my day, then Mission Accomplished Mr. President
I also picked up a bunch of rare baseball cards. I don’t think it matters that I haven’t heard of over half of these players, it’s the picture in the card that makes it worth something. You see, I’ve got a gut like a can of Tough Actin’ Tinactin. By that I mean my gut is always dependable, it doesn’t cure athlete’s foot though, not yet, anyway. Anyway, my gut tells me that the baseball card market is due for an explosion and by buying these cards yours truly is in for a wallet explosion.
Back then that snake was the Braves’ strongest starter
Your fly’s open there, Bubbles
Brian Jordan: Penalized for unnecessary stupidness
“Tell me Michael, who do you think would win in a fight between Voltron and Mr. T.?”
Don't mess with Texas
Hope you can track down your career, Magnum
Usually when I’m in Las Vegas it’s the casinos that get me in the balls
After I snagged all of these cards for a steal at $250 we jumped back in the SUV and headed off to find the Antiques Roadshow. We were really late so I had to get Beth to push aside a few old ladies holdin’ their sister’s favorite dolls and watches or some other worthless crap in order to get to the front of the line. Of course once we got there I couldn’t get the duct tape off the stupid styrofoam cooler we hauled all of our stuff in. Leland and I got it off with our teeth but one of our items fell out and broke but I had a pretty good feelin’ the appraiser was going to be blown away with our cargo.
Freedom Mirror:
$7-$12
John Wayne Clock:
$10-$15
Signed Dukes of Hazzard photo and rare Hazzard £10 notes:
$13-$19
I guess the appraiser must have been stoned or blind or something because these items are worth a lot more than that quack things. He even told me I can’t even use the British money because according to him nobody in their right mind would accept “such utter rubbish”. I don’t think I can get the case open for it anyway, I super glued it shut 17 years ago and it looks like it’s there to say.
Well it looks like we walked away from the Roadshow down over $200. I’m still going to sneak out later and head over to Tyler’s to nab the Sanford and Son commemorative plates.
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