I Bring in the Clowns

It was a pretty slow day at the office, I was tryin’ to figure out how to use our new computer because when we’re in the office Youngblood refuses to talk to me unless it’s through AOL instant messenger. He’s been teaching me what all the letters stand for in internet speak. For the longest time I thought “ROFL” meant “Right On, Freaky Lady” which is why Beth always called me an idiot whenever I responded to her questions at dinner by saying ‘ROFL’ and laughing hysterically.

The day wasn’t slow for long though, just when I thought I was going be able to take the rest of the day off and go tanning, a profile came through the fax machine. Actually, I probably would have had time to go tanning by the time the fax came through because I’m pretty sure our fax machine is one of the first ever built. Beth keeps buggin’ me to get a new one but ya see, my father in-law from my second marriage gave it to me and it was the only thing an in-law has ever given me that didn’t need to be put to death immediately so it’s kind of special to me.




Mickey Mouse is just one of four animated characters this baby knows




When the fax finally did come through my blood began to race. I knew this guy’s type just by lookin’ at him, he’s the type that will kill ya with a smile on his face and I swore on Dale Earnhardt Senior’s ghost that I wasn’t gonna let him claim another victim, I had to stop at nothing to find this clown:












Name: Dimples G. Pantalone

Sex: Male

Height: 5’10’’

Weight: 195 lbs

Race: Clown

Occupation: Unknown

Education: Sankey Clown & Bullfighting School, Largo, FL.

Bond: $15,000

Offence: Filling fake clown nose with cocaine, assaulting a liquor store clerk with a giant shoe and making sexually explicit balloon animals at children’s birthday parties.

This guy was obviously a Grade A dickweed. Assaulting someone automatically puts him on my shit list and I gotta tell ya brah, that list is like an old man on Viagra, it just keeps on growing. I can only assume he’s an ice head, actually I’m legally forced to say he’s an ice head. It’s in my contract with A&E, I’m in there with Bill Curtis and those guys over at Intervention.

I put this guy’s photo on the board and we worked out how we would catch him. Leland and Beth were to hit all of his common haunts, joke shops, novelty shoe outlets and Dollar stores. Youngblood and I stayed in the office and made some phone calls to a few of Dimples’ former associates in our area and see what we could dig up on this guy.






Fake vomit is often a stepping stone to meth




Our first call went out to Pockets McGanaracle, Dimples’ sidekick in the ‘80s. Pockets told us that he hasn’t had anything to do with Dimples for almost twenty years after Dimples replaced the helium in his tank with carbon monoxide as a gag and nearly killed him during an unexpected request for a balloon blown into the shape of the Taj Mahal.

Next we tried Clarabell Toblerone, Dimples’ last known love interest. Clarabell didn’t know where Dimples was stayin’ but she did give us a description of his car. We radioed this info to Beth and Leland who had gotten distracted with a little key-chain speaker thing that swears at you that they had picked up at a joke shop. After being called a son-of-a-bitch about four times I finally got them to stop friggin’ around and listen to what I had to say. Youngblood and I jumped in the SUV to find the car Dimples was drivin’, we had to keep our eyes sharp because anyone in the city could be drivin' a car like this:




We let our guard down for a second and this thing’s gone as a ghost




After a few hours we were about to give up. I had smoked my 3 pack limit for the day about 2 hours before and Youngblood was so worked up over this bust he was ready to cave in the chest cavity of the next Goth kid covered in makeup he saw walkin’ down the street. Beth and Leland had staked out a kid’s birthday party and had been asked to leave by the parents at first but Beth showed them some attitude and the police were called. Leland was removed forcibly by three cops, apparently it’s not looked upon too lightly to be hidin’ in a tree outside of a kid’s bedroom with a pair of binoculars whether you got your credentials from “BeABountyHunter.com” or not.

We were just about to turn it in for the day when Lady Luck dropped a “holy shit” bomb on us, brah. There was Dimples, drivin’ right past us, he had modified his car to include a megaphone and had changed his appearance completely. He stared at me as he drove by and I tell ya, that was a look of pure evil that only an ice head can give and only a former ice head can recognize:






















This shit just got REAL, mother@$%!

After a scary chase that saw speeds of up to 17 miles per hour we had Dimples in custody, but not before he got a “Dog is gay” message out through the megaphone which, I’m gonna be honest, a lot of people heard. I roughed him up a little for that but after we got him in the back of the SUV and saw that it was just the ice talkin’ I knew he’d be alright in my book. I offered him a cigarette but he said he didn’t smoke. I told him that he better start because prison is rough and that he can also use them as currency on the inside.

He finally accepted them, we destroyed all of his contraband before dragging him into the jail which included a bag of ice, a miniature nitrous oxide tank and a fake flower that shoots water that he had hidden on his ankle belt. Man, another day, another ice head behind bars. As they say in internet slang, Take The Fattest Nacho, or TTFN.