A Day in the Park

Yesterday was the Second Annual Father-Son Bounty Hunter Day at the Honolulu public park. I was pretty excited because last year Leland was busy auditioning for Fear Factor and I had to compete with one of my lesser known infant sons, Hubert. I know the whole idea of these things is to have fun but I take competition very seriously so you can understand how disappointed I was when we lost the human wheelbarrow race when I got a little excited and drove Hubert’s face three feet into the ground.

Leland is pretty excited too because the last time he went to anything like this was one of those “bring your son to work day” things. Well, I was in prison at the time so that was out of the question. Beth was workin’ at a strip club called the “Ass Menagerie” so Leland went there instead. He stood next to her on the stage and caught the quarters the businessmen threw at her. It turned out pretty well though because after that day the manager offered Leland a job cleaning out the condom machines. It was his first job and to this day “immune to syphilis” still appears on his resume.





An important part of any child’s upbringing



Leland and I trained pretty hard in order to get ready for the big day. We both took turns yelling encouraging slogans to each other morning, noon and night. I was determined to beat my arch nemesis and his entire family, Phil Cullen and the whole Cullen clan. They run a two bit bounty hunting joint on the east side of town. They say they’re Christians and don’t believe in violence therefore they use strong words and a merciful mind to bring their fugitives to justice. Well guess what Phil, I’m a Christian too motherfucker and maybe if you went after real criminals like I do instead of those potheads who always break into the chocolate factory you’d see what I mean.

Last year Phil and his little cracker spawn beat me and my team at the tug of war because someone had discarded half a Pogo on the ground and I bent down to finish it off, waste not want not I always say. Anyway the douche in charge blew the whistle way before he was supposed to and Phil and his “pussy posse” dragged me 40 feet across the park, digging a 4 foot trough into the soil in the process.

Once I found my shades I confronted Phil, telling him it was a punk ass thing to do and what the hell was he trying to prove. I don’t care if his wife just recovered from cancer or not I gave her a piece of my mind as well, then I kicked their dog in the stomach and took off.




Your ass is grass this year, Cullen




Usually, the contests at these Bounty Hunter events consist of games like "Spot the Meth Addict" and "Debate the Judge" but the bounty hunters' families usually didn't understand them. Good thing I run my family with an iron fist, forcing every single one to be in the bounty hunter business from fetus to fertilizer.

The first event was the coconut drinking contest. Each person on the team was given a coconut with a hole in it. The first team to drink the milk from all of their coconuts would win. I was pretty confident because I used to funnel Jim Beam and Coke before lunch everyday for about seven years. I finished mine in about 2 seconds, as did Leland. As for the rest of our team, I had to take the coconuts from two people so that we could finish before everyone else. Dog 1, Cullen 0.

The next event was more of a thinkin’ game, it was called “Act it Out”. One person in each group had to impersonate a famous person and without saying any names their group had to guess who that person was. As leader of our group I nominated myself to act. I put my hand in the hat and prayed for Chuck Norris. Instead I got Jimmy Stewart but none of the dolts could figure out who it was and we lost. I still can’t understand why they couldn’t get it, I had that guy down to a tee, I pretended to hold a Bible and cry and act just like a TV evangelist. Dog 1, Cullen 1






I'm upset too, Jimmy






The third and final event was the dreaded three legged potato sack race. Each team designated two people to tie their legs together and get into one giant potato sack and race. As team leader I made sure it was me and Leland in that sack because I saw Phil and his wife get into theirs and I wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. We started off slow because my stubby legs had to get into the rhythm with Leland’s legs which are a lot longer. Once we got into the routine though we were flyin’ down the course and were neck and neck with the Cullens. Once we turned the corner and were out of sight I decided it was time to use my secret weapon. I steered us so we were right next to the Cullens and I maced their sorry asses. They dropped faster than a Tijuana hooker and Leland and I won the gold, payback is a bitch.

After I did my victory dance I accepted the trophy, which was one blue ribbon for the entire team. Phil was pretty mad but since he’s a Christian he has to forgive me, even though I will never forgive him for cheating last year at tug of war. What a day, Leland and I have never felt closer. Beth and the entire family were very proud as they watched from the sidelines. Before we left I had little Hubert give the Cullens a goodbye wave, Chapman style.