Endorse This

It's cool getting recognized by fans and signing autographs, but one of the down sides of fame is all the calls for endorsements. The Dog's reputation nearly got jacked big time a few years ago when my agent Doug put my name on a dual-action blow dryer/vacuum cleaner called the SuckingBeautiful2000. The basic idea was that rather than owning separate appliances for drying your hair and cleaning small messes up off your carpet, you could save time and space by having a 2-in-1 appliance for both jobs.



Thar she blows. This thing left me with serious questions, such as, if a vacuum is a piece of shit, can it pick itself up?




I tried the thing for a month at home before signing on, and frankly I didn't get it, but didn't say too much because the cash felt right. The basic idea was that the spout on the end of the vacuum could reverse suction, and you could go from sucking in to blowing out by pressing just one button. In retrospect it was appropriate that the damned thing sucked harder and blew harder than anything I've endorsed before or since, because as a product it sucked harder and blew harder than anything I've endorsed before or since.



The SuckingBeautiful2000 claims another victim







I was in a rage after two straight weeks of getting pieces of corn flakes and plastic tabs in my hair every time I wanted to blow dry it, plus because the SuckingBeautiful2000 was too big for my bathroom I found myself standing in my utility closet in a soaking towel and bathrobe each morning, hairspray in one hand and a vacuum cleaner hose in the other. Beth stuck to her industrial powered Costco blow dryer throughout this entire sham, and I can't blame her.



SuckingBeautiful2000's animal mascot. Keep wagging that tongue, punchy, cuteness is a great way of covering up products that don't work




After the product hit store shelves, I barely avoided getting sued when a woman from South Dakota accidentally pressed the reverse suction button while drying her golden retriever's coat of fur. She nearly took one of the poor thing's eyes out, and made a point of slapping me in the face at a taser convention I was attending near Pierre, South Dakota a few months after the accident. To be honest, I can't blame her. And don't get me started on the creepy tale of this hairstylist nutjob from L.A. who bought six SuckingBeautiful's for his salon before going bonkers. From what I heard he got confused by the product and started styling the carpet in his home using hair dye, scissors, and gels like it was a real head of hair, while at work he tried to vacuum his celebrity clientele’s heads and told them that wigs made from carpet were going to be the next big thing. I can only assume he got taken away in a straight jacket.



"Wee" Willy Wenshaw, former L.A. hairstylist, current nutjob







The worst part was the slogan I had to sing for a radio ad that aired here in Honolulu. I can't believe I'm repeating this but it went, "...Suck-o, Clean-o, Vac-o, Neat-o. The SuckingBeautiful2000, it will suck and blow you right."