Dog Answers Your Emails

Now that I’m a celebrity I get approached all the time just walking down the street. Most people want to know what makes me tick, some want advice and others just want to bask in the musky awesomeness that is me. Other questions I get on the street are “Why are you wearing sunglasses inside?”, “Can you get Leland to sign an autograph for me?” and “I didn’t know the Village People got back together”. That last one isn’t really a question but I hear it so often I thought it should be added, it’s all about honesty people.

I also get a crap load of fan mail. I’m now on my third week without a letter bomb so I’ve stopped making Beth open each letter with a bunch of pillows duct taped to her. I try to answer each and every letter I get, the ones I can’t answer I get Youngblood to look after and if he’s too busy sometimes I get little Gary boy to do it. He can’t spell very good yet but I figure it’s the best way to learn. In addition to this I also have to unload my email machine all the time because of all of the fan mail plus I don’t know about the area you live in but there must be some serious boner problems in Honolulu because every second email I get is for male enhancement. I’ve decided to include some of the most frequently asked questions from my fans and my replies to them:

Rick Willings from Little Rock, Arkansas writes:

Dear Dog,

What made you want to be a bounty hunter?

Rick

Glad you asked, Rick. I think I’ve always had bounty hunting in me in one way or another. When I was in elementary school my teachers would pay me to track down students who were skipping school. I didn’t get paid in money because it was illegal so the teachers paid me in stuff they confiscated from the older high school students. By grade 6 I had the largest collection of porno magazines and roach clips in southern Colorado. Funny side note, this inadvertently started my crippling addiction to sex and drugs. Keep it real, Rick.





Ahh the memories









Lisa Metcalf from Bangor Maine writes:

Omigod u r so awesum i watch u evry nite even though my mom sez i can’t cuz yur on 2 late but i sneek downstairs and watch anwayz while i talk on my phone with my bf cuz he says yer hair is like an inspiration or something i dunno i have 2 write a english paper and I haaaaaaate english dont u anywayz I have 2 write it on my heros and I wanna no if i can write it on u pleeeeez pleeeez and ohya tell Leland I think he is hawt luvvvvvvv Lisa XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOOXOXOXOX

Let me tell you Lisa, you cannot let ice control your life. I know it seems like there’s no way out but you gotta believe me you can only go up from here. I don’t want to be bangin’ on your door in the middle of the night to take you away from you mamma. It’d break my heart, it really would.


Pat McCrotch from Spanky, Missouri writes:

Dog, I hear you couldn’t track down your own dick hahahahaha, you’re gay too. Sincerely, Pat

Youngblood if you hack into my email once more you’ll be eatin’ Frosted Flakes through a tube for the remainder of your life.

Susan Miller from Orlando Florida writes:

Dear Martha,

Can you give me a recipe for a good oyster spread?

Your biggest fan,

Susan Miller.

Well it looks like this one was supposed to go to someone else but hell, I don’t mind answering it. Susan, what you’re gonna want to do is combine mayo, smoked oysters and olives together, mix well and then add a dash of garlic salt and just a smidgen of lemon juice to taste and tada! Oyster spread for all.

Alex Garvey from New York Cty, New York writes:

Dog,

This might seem kind of weird but you seem like a level headed guy and I don’t know who else to ask. I think my girlfriend might be cheating on me but I can’t prove it and I don’t want to mess things up by accusing her of anything. Any advice?

Thanks,

Alex

Well it looks like you got yourself in quite a pickle there Alex. I gotta tell ya, nothing pays off more then long hours of covert surveillance. Every time she leaves the house you’re gonna want to tail her. If you only own one car you can compensate by strapping yourself to the underside of the vehicle using a couple of seatbelts which can be found at any junkyard (see attached instructions). If she finds you under there just tell her you’re testing the car’s suspension, she’ll believe you because women don’t understand cars.

Using a disguise is also another popular technique. Personally, I think they cheapen the experience because they remove the element of danger. Also, I once dressed up like Charlie Chaplin to stakeout this drug dealer but I lost my old timey hat and I came across more like Hitler and the dealer and his posse was Jewish and well, it wasn’t a good experience.

If none of these methods work you can try a little trick I learned at Bounty Hunter school. What you do is, go through your girlfriend's purse when she's off having a topless pillow fight or whatever and find all the business cards and pieces of paper with names of guys on them that you don't recognize. Track each one of these guys down, knock on their doors and when they open them scream "stay away from my girl shithead or I'll kill you!" If they looked shocked then you're in the clear, if they are having an affair with your girlfriend they'll break down and confess right there. Oh yeah you should be dressed up like Jason from Friday the 13th or else it won't work. Hope this helps, keep your head up brah.


Well there you have it, I'll put up some more fan email in the future but until then, keep sending those praises my way and remember, The Dog is always listening.