Dog's Resume Tips

I know what you’re thinkin’, “Dog, why would someone who’s only had one job think they’d be able to give resume tips?” Or you could possibly be thinking “Dog, why would someone as righteous as you care about other people’s ability to get jobs?” Hopefully you’re thinkin’ the second one because you’d be dead wrong and also a moron if you thought the first one was true. The truth is I’ve had lots of jobs growing up. While I was a child actor I worked for the city painting over graffiti. That job ended when one of the senior painters told me to go to the store to get some checkered paint. I went to over thirty different paint stores with no luck and they found me collapsed and sobbing outside of a Sherwin Williams two days later.






If anyone knows where I can get this paint let me know. This has been eating at me for like 35 years

And yes, I am pretty righteous but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about all the little dogletts out there. As much as I’d like to see a world of bounty hunters I know that’s just not feasible. I mean, who would hunt the hunters? Possibly a hoard of super bounty hunter robots that grow beyond the scientist’s control and all the human bounty hunters have to put their differences aside and fight the robots in a huge showdown in the middle of the burned-out future type city. That probably won’t happen but it’d make an awesome movie. I need to start putting these ideas down on paper, they just flow out of me like the Holy Spirit folks.

To get back on track, my resume tips will ensure that you land that dream job whether you’re applying to anything from deep fryer to drive thru operator. First and foremost, the type of paper you use is essential. Now, ordinary people and “employment advisors” will tell you that you need to use plain white paper, bullshit. Everyone uses plain white paper these days. If you want to stand out and grab the employer’s attention you need to mix it up a little. It’s up to you what kind of paper you use but coming from experience I have to say you can’t go wrong with camouflage. It tells the employer you are creative, resourceful and able to kill. You may want to use a bright colored highlighter pen so that your writing shows up on it, I suggest neon pink.

















This is what landed me a pretty sweet gig at Kenny Rogers’ Roasters

People will also tell you to steer clear of scented resumes in case anyone reading it has allergies. I don’t buy into all of that New Age crap, in my day anyone with an allergy was labeled mentally unstable and was thrown in the nuthouse, rightfully so. That’s why I spray all of my resumes with Brut Deodorant.

Next up is the “Experience” section. Again, employers aren’t going to pay attention to your resume unless it is has something that will jump out and bite them…no, I take that back, jump out and rip their faces off. Check out a sample from my resume in the ‘70s:

Experience

1970 – 1971

The Hatchet Bar & Hair Salon

Boulder, CO

Bouncer/Valet

• Determined who could enter The Hatchet (Separated the babes from the bulls)
• Parked cars - kept spare change found in ashtrays
• Kicked ass and took names
• Increased the overall awesomeness of The Hatchet by 75% over 1 year














The Hatchet after its $150,000 renovation and renaming to the Holiday Cocktail Lounge

Now we move on to the “Education” section. If you’re like me and you’re educational history is a bit sketchy but you can always make something up. Employers will rarely ever double check this section so feel free to go a little crazy with it. Myself, I have a PhD in Symbology from Harvard and a Master’s in break-dancing from Juilliard.

For “Interests”, people always put down reading, writing, hiking, the outdoors and other equally lame activities. I made mine a bit more exciting. My interests as shown on my resume are: Spelunking, Russian Roulette, General Death Defiance, Blind Folded Caper Toss, Bird Watching, Bird Killing and Smoking.

Moving on:

Volunteer Experience: Yeah Right

It’s important to choose your references carefully. I don’t go the “past employer” route, mostly because my past employer’s wouldn’t piss on my face if my eyebrows were on fire. I’ll just let that image sink in a bit. My references are people I trust, people I know would put in a good word for Yours Truly when the shit hits the fan.

Reference #1:


















Miguel "Eyes" Eyez

Miguel owns the local video rental place a couple of blocks down. Some people call “Seduction Junction” a porno shop but I call those movies art so I have him down as an Art Historian. I also have a lifetime membership there which gives me one free movie a month in the mail. This month its “The Queer Hunter” so I might skip that one. Miguel is a respectable businessman who is chalk full of integrity. He can be reached at tittiesucker69@gmail.com.

Reference # 2 & 3:


















Sharon and Rex Colicutt

Sharon and Rex organize and are founders of the Honolulu Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Reenactment and Pig Roast Festival held every year. They choose their favorite AD&D quest and have townsfolk act it out. I haven’t played in a while because the last time I was there I was attacked by Fred the hardware guy who was dressed up like a Kolbold Priest. I had to roll a saving throw against his noxious spit attack which ended up hitting me for 2D8 + 10 damage and lowering my charisma to -37. Even my Flaming Scimitar of Wretched Fungus wasn’t any match against him and I ended up being the first person eliminated from the Festival. I was so embarrassed I haven’t gone back since but Sharon and Rex always drop off what’s left of the pig so I’ve got nothin’ but love for ‘em. They can be reached by visiting any Games Workshop in Honolulu.

If you follow these tips you’ll be well on your way to chipping away at your crushing debt before your 55, good luck and God speed.