R.I.P. Jerry Falwell

Folks, it’s a time of mourning. We’ve lost one of America’s greatest thinkers, a true intellectual, Jerry Fawell. Recently, I’ve taken some time out from catching up on internet pornography to finding out more about the genius inside the man. I’d like to take this opportunity to trace the history of one our greatest leaders and compare him to Honolulu’s greatest ass-kicker, me. Don’t be fooled by history books or “Tricki-pedia” this is your one stop shop for information on Falwell’s life.

Jerry Falwell, or as I like to call him, “Jerr Bear”, was born in Lynchburg Tennessee. His father was a bootlegger, not much is known about his mother so it can only be assumed that young Jerry ate her when his first teeth came in. How appropriate that Jerry was born in Lynchburg, as his father’s bootlegged whiskey claimed to be “distilled using only the finest Negro sweat available”. My hat’s off to you, Falwell Sr. If only more of America were that entrepreneurial. I myself have the do-it-yourself spirit. One time I bought one of those homemade wine kits but I ran out of mix so I just used Listerine instead. A final test showed the alcohol content somewhere in the 89% range. Beth lost her sight for two weeks after drinking it but hey, I got to watch football on the couch while pretending to do house chores so it all worked out. It was definitely an acquired taste.


















Here’s Dr. Falwell protesting the color of America’s footballs

Jerr Bear also called himself “Doctor” even though he never earned a doctorate. In fact, Jerry was educated by a dead body found behind the Falwell Tennessee home. Once the corpse decomposed Jerry assumed his education was over and it was, until his father stopped bootlegging and showed him the importance of hating everything not white. He did have three honorary doctorates from three unaccredited universities but who cares about that? Hell, the school I went to didn’t even have chairs let alone books or a blackboard and I’m pretty sure the Bounty Hunter School I went to was actually some sort of pyramid scheme.

I think he had every right to call himself Doctor, he was a physician for the soul, folks. To be honest, I do the same kind of thing in that I make all of my kids call me Professor Dogglestein, just for shits and giggles mostly but it also makes me feel better about myself.

Falwells church was called a “megachurch” because it had over 2,000 members. I decided to use this example and rename my Chevy Van the “MegaVan” because I’ve laid the carpet well over 2,000 times in that thing if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean then get a life. I only wish I had a picture of it when I had my custom wilderness mural painted on the side. It was a full moon with three wolves soaring on the wings of an American eagle over the Grand Canyon.




Sin Bin, I now christen thee the MegaVan





Another interesting tidbit from Falwell’s life is that in 1983 he sued Hustler Magazine for $45 million for running a parody ad that suggested Falwell’s first time in the sack was with his drunk mother in an outhouse. Now, I’ve got the Hustler platinum card (I receive a free multi-flavored pair of edible panties every month) but even I have to draw the line when it comes to making fun of a man of God.

One time the local Honolulu newsletter “The Lei Down” ran an add advising all reputable businesses in the city not accept checks from me. I sued them for $15 million but lost because my attorney was a recovering meth addict who I had given a second chance to and instead of attacking the newsletter he came to court and read transcripts from the show “Mr. Belvedere”. In the end I was forced to pay them $5,000 but the joke was on them because the check I gave them bounced so bad I think it burned up on re-entry.






Stick to the T&A, Hustler











Before he died Jerry felt that the current crisis in the Middle East meant that the end of the world was coming soon. I don’t know why anyone would think the ass kicking we are dishing out in Iraq would confirm anything other than the pure awesomeness of the U.S. of A. but who am I to question a genius? I gotta be honest, when Y2K was approaching I made a makeshift shelter out of insulation and Lego, filled it full of cans of Chef Boyardee and hoped for the best. So, it makes sense to be a little edgy, fear is a good thing, and as Jerry Falwell knew, a LOT of fear is a really good thing if you are a rich white man, God bless him.

Falwell also took a righteous campaign against Tinky Winky, the openly gay Teletubby. I think Falwell came out on top on that one because he put his argument out there, that Tinky Winky was the leader of a gay conspiracy aimed at infiltrating the minds of children making them a little light in the loafers. This was a man who knew his priorities. He didn't use his wealth, knowledge and religious background to help people. He used these things to protect the white race from the very real danger of European communist gay ninjas that took over your mind through the television screen. Give that man a national holiday in his name, I say. As far as I know there was no response from Tinky Winky which only confirms his guilt as being a homo. Personally I think the whole Teletubby clan is gay and possibly communist. This takes me back to the mid ‘80’s when I accused the cartoon “Snorks” of making male children feel sexually inferior.






Mmmmm a fresh batch of GAY



There you have it, a fitting tribute to the man, the legend, Jerry Falwell. I have placed myself on three weeks of mourning. In addition I will honor the memory of Dr. Falwell by making my own whiskey and kicking the first foreigner I see in the face.