Built Like a Brick Doghouse

I’ve been thinking about my own health recently, ever since I threw a beat-down on a guy who I thought was an ice head. In the end it turned out to be the wrong address and I was really beating on the ice head’s neighbor. In my defense it was Youngblood who handed me the piece of paper upside down with the address on it. Father McCormick is going to be fine though, after a few more years of physical therapy he should get close to 60% mobility back on his left side and everyone’s glad to hear he’s able to digest solids now.





Don’t get up, Father. Haha he loves that gag



Now I’m going to do myself a ‘solid’ and make sure that in case someone mistakes me for a criminal (it happens more than you think) I’m able to survive. The first thing to do is to lose some weight so I consulted the inter-web to find out the best ways to do this.

My first choice was The Chito Patch created by Texas radio personality Tom Martino. I figured anyone from the same State as the greatest president of the last two centuries is golden in my book. Here’s what Tom’s representatives had to say about the Chito Patch:

"Tired of false claims and advertising? So are we! You can believe what this man says ... Tom has made a distinguished career of exposing liars, cheats, rip-offs and scams... when he likes something ... you can bet it works!"

Like this promo says, I am tired of false claims and advertising, I’m not just tired of false claims in advertising, I’m tired of all false claims and all advertising in general. Thanks Tom, I wasn’t aware of how much I hated basic deception before this. And the line “…when he likes something…you can bet it works!” made me think, what if Tom likes to put his balls in a vice? I couldn’t question his reasoning though, anyone who puts so many “…” in his writing has to be smarter than the average Joe.





That horse lost over 350 pounds on the Chito Patch










The patch claims to be made of 100% South African Hoodia, I have no idea what that is but one time I hot-knifed some South African hash on a stove in the back of my friend’s RV and for about four hours I thought the RV was driving me. Don’t fuck with South Africa is what I’m trying to say here.

Apparently Hoodia tricks the brain into thinking you ain’t hungry, I don’t mind forcing my brain to question the plain truth. Hell, I’ve been married five times folks, I think I’m pretty used to having my mind changed a few times.

After reading up on this patch I decided to buy a three year supply of patches. I only buy in bulk, I’ve got a small barn out back loaded with pallets of MagiDye Hair Cream and Mr. Noodle.

So you’re supposed to put one patch anywhere on your body and take it with a ChitoGold capsule but I never go with the add-ons. That’s why none of my cars have airbags. That and because I believe airbags interfere with God’s will and should be considered sacrilegious.













Hope you can put your arm back on in HELL, Astar

Anyway, to compensate for the capsules I just put seven patches on. I didn’t see anywhere in the instructions that said not to combine the Chito Patch with the nicotine patch because I have to tell ya, after I apply those nicotine patches in the morning ad space is pretty limited on this work of art if you know what I mean.

After slappin’ on the patches I went on my usual workout routine which includes eating 13 raw eggs and spending 45 minutes on my Gazelle Power Plus. This thing’s endorsed by Tony Little, a true American. I used to own a Galileo Magnifico until I found out it was developed in the Soviet Union to train cosmonauts, then I threw it in the trash. I also freaked out once when I found out someone had put Russian dressing on my salad at Jungle Jims and you don’t even wanna know what happened to me at the theatre during Rocky IV. I know it was time to stop using the Gazelle when the album “Tormato” by Yes finished so I climbed off and wound down the way I always do, by bench pressing Beth 35 times and shot-gunning 3 Red Bull.





Float like a butterfly Mr. Little, float like a butterfly





After doing all of this I started to feel a little off kilter. In fact, Beth found me three hours later wedged into our neighbor’s air exchange vent. I was sweating profusely, experiencing periodic vision loss as well as hallucinations and I had sharp abdominal pains. Actually, I was experiencing all of the side effects of Cialis except for the four-hour boner, something I would have welcomed at that point, not while I was stuck in the vent though.

I was still pretty messed up from all of the side effects and Red Bull, my behavior had two modes, crack addict and drunken sailor but I had my vision back so I decided to call the Chito Patch customer service line. Like all true Americans, I record all of my phone conversations. Here’s my convo with little missy down at Chito Land:

Mrs Chito: Hello and welcome to the Chito Patch customer service line, my name is Sandy how may I help you today?

Dog: Yeah listen Randy your patch is screwin’ with my mojo or somethin’ because I put ‘em on see but I think they’ve got ahold of me ‘cause I just got out of a freakin’ air vent and my stomach hurts like a bastard and Tony Little –

MC: Sir, calm down please, you say you took the Chito Patch and you don’t feel well?

Dog: Tru dat

MC: Ok sir, can I please ask, did you take them as directed?

Dog: I took ‘em as I please, NOBODY directs the Dog ‘cept for ma lad-ay, I love ‘er, I really do…c’mere Beth and tell tha voice here how much tha Dog luvs ya.

MC: Ok, sir..sir? Can I just –

Dog: Wellllllllll, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind you’d like to flaunt and take to DINN-ER

MC: Sir, if you didn’t take them as directed I would advise going to a doctor as soon as possible

Dog: DOCTOR doctor, give me tha news, I gotta…now you do it baby

MC: Pardon me?

Dog: I said doctor doctor, give me tha news I gotta….now you finisssh tha song

MC: Sir you need to go to a doctor immedia-

Dog: Jush finish tha song, please, do it once, do it for tha Doggy, c’mon…Doctor doctor, give me tha news I gotta…

MC: Bad case of loving you?

Dog: Yeeeahh you got it Andy, you got ‘er Pontiac oh yeah. I’m gonna hang up now thanks fer callin’, give my love to whoever you are, I’ll tell Beth you said hi

MC: No, sir you really need to…CLICK





Checkmate, Chito Patch



After I came to, Beth got all of the patches off of me with our Dyson vacuum cleaner and I started to feel a bit better. Turns out because I didn’t use the patch as directed I can’t get a refund and Doug tells me that my temporary insanity idea probably won’t hold up in court. All I can say is, Tom Martino, you better watch out because pissin’ me off can cause serious side effects such as feelings of anxiety and a sudden loss of teeth.