Beth keeps telling me to stop going out topless if I don’t want trouble. I tell her that the detergent she uses causes my shirts to chafe my nipples but the truth is I like to use a line on the sweet little thing working the counter at the store. Every morning I ask her “do you need any laundry done?” Then I point to my abs and say “cause I gotta washboard right here”. She doesn’t say so but I know she digs it, her eyes say more than the restraining orders ever will.
I love Horatio from CSI so much I’ve adopted some of his investigative techniques. The first thing I decided to do was to start talkin’ like him. The other night at dinner Beth said to me “give me the Baco-Bits” and I said “Lady...you, just seasoned your last salad” while putting my sunglasses on. Then Beth threw the salt shaker at me and now I need to get new sunglasses. I didn’t care that what I said didn’t make any sense, it was cool and hip and that’s all that matters when you’re talkin’ to addicts and family members.
Here’s your damn urine sample, doctor
The next thing I wanted to do was buy a Hummer and drive around Honolulu at full speed. That way I could just run the iceheads over when they tried to run away. They’re probably better off dead anyway because I gotta tell ya the jails here in Honolulu are pretty rough. As you probably guessed, I couldn’t afford a Hummer so I had to go with the next best thing which was a Suzuki Samurai I bought for a bargain. Well bought is kind of a strong word, I actually found it behind the Kroeger’s down the street. It’s got all of the luxuries of a Hummer except for heated seats and wheels.
Don't laugh it's paid for
I’ve watched so many CSI’s I figure I could write an episode for them. It can’t be that hard to write for television, look at “The War at Home” for God’s sake. So, here’s my CSI: Miami script I whipped up in the bathroom at White Castle. It has all of the regular characters in it including a special guest appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Police Chief Gravelhouse.
Scene #01
[Ext. Miami skyline – Night]
Cut to:
[Int. Night Club – Dance Floor – Night]
(The club is rockin’, hot girls are dancing and making out with each other as they groove to the beats of Miami Sound Machine. Two blonde babes stop making out with each other for a minute to talk about how the evening is going)
Hot Babe #1: I’m having a really great time tonight!
Hot Babe #2: Me too, wanna make out?
(Hot Babe #1 grabs Hot Babe #2 and they make out)
Cut to:
[Ext. Club Parking Lot – Night]
Scene #02
(Hot babes are walking towards their Ferrari)
Cut to:
[Int. Ferrari – Night]
(Babes get into the car and start kissing)
Hot Babe #1: Did you hear something?
Hot Babe #2: Stop talking and kiss me
Hot Babe #1: Seriously, I think I heard something coming from the backseat
Hot Babe #2: Baby, there’s nothing to be scared of, we’re hot babes, nothing can happen to us
(A masked man emerges from the backseat with a knife in his hands)
Masked Man: Think again
(Masked man cuts their throats)
Scene # 03
Star-wipe to the next day
[Ext. Club Parking Lot – Day]
(Horatio is standing next to the bloody Ferrari, Alexx is examining the bodies)
Alexx: So young, such a waste of life…what happened to you two babies?
(Horatio leans over to look into the car)
Horatio: There’s some yellow powder on the steering wheel
(He straightens up and looks directly into the sun)
Horatio: Bathtub meth
Alexx: There’s no off button with that stuff
Horatio: No Alexx, there sure isn’t. Meth is a scourge on this fair country
Alexx: When are people going to learn, Horatio?
Horatio: I don’t know Alexx, I don’t know.
(Just then Calleigh approaches wearing nothing but a mini skirt and a bra, she puts her kit on the ground, leaning way over so the camera sees her cleavage)
Calleigh: Sorry I’m late, I was in a club making out with hot girls all night and I didn’t have time to get fully dressed.
(Alexx walks over and starts kissing Calleigh)
Alexx: Don’t worry about it baby, you’re here aren’t you?
(Eric Delko walks over with his crime kit)
Eric: What do we have here H?
Horatio: A whole lot of evil Eric, a whole lot of evil
Eric: No, I mean what’s going on? I just got here and the batteries in my radio went dead
Calleigh: Two DB’s with slit throats. I can’t believe anyone could be so rough
Eric: Yeah but you like rough don’t ya Cal hahaha
(Eric slaps Calleigh’s ass and then high-fives Horatio)
Calleigh: Fresh, why don’t you look for fingerprints before I have to spank you?
(Horatio gets down on the ground and looks under the car, he notices drops of liquid splashing on the ground. He stands upright).
Horatio: Run
Alexx [whispering under her breath]: Why doesn’t Eric ever slap my backside?
Eric: Hey Calleigh, I think there’s some fingerprints on your shirt
(Eric starts applying fingerprint tape to her chest)
Horatio: Run
Calleigh: Er-ic, stop it [giggles]
Horatio: RUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!
(All four of them drop what they are doing and run across the parking lot. In one slow motion shot they dive with their arms outstretched as the car explodes in a huge fireball behind them)
Horatio: Is everyone alright?
Group: Yes
Eric: Looks like our killer just turned up the heat
(Horatio stands up, takes his sunglasses off and then slowly puts them on again)
Horatio: Yes…but he’s about to be put on ice
Star-wipe to intro credits with the music and all the flashy stuff
The show needs more female roles
Well there it is, the introduction anyway. I don’t have the whole episode pounded out yet but I put in lots of twists and turns. Alexx and Calleigh move in with Eric. It’s kind of like a topless Three’s Company but all three solve crimes at the same time. Now the only thing to do is finish it off and send this baby out to Pete Townsend.
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