A Dog in Training

I was pretty stoked because the other day we got a new addition to the Da Kine Bounty Hunter family, Oliver Jefferson. Beth usually does all the hiring around here but the last guy she got was a total waste of Co2 or H2o or however that saying goes. Plus he was a prankster and I just can’t have that crap goin’ on around here. Don’t get me wrong I love a good prank just as much as the next red blooded American, just as long as I’m doin’ the prankin’ and you’re doin’ the…embarrassin’. Why just the other day Youngblood sent me to a gynecologist when I what I meant to ask for was a genealogist so, to get back at him I got drunk and set his sofa on fire. Ahh man we had a good laugh after that one, good times.





Gotcha!







To get back to my point, the last dill-weed we had here made it his mission to prank yours truly. He saran-wrapped my toilet seat, put shoe polish on the inside of my binoculars and Ex-laxed a whole batch of Beth’s bananaberry muffins, which I always eat in one sitting. Needless to say after that I could shit through the eye of a needle at 50 yards. After we canned that hoser I told Beth that I was gonna hire the next one. Oliver seemed like a nice enough guy. To be honest I didn’t think he had the bounty hunter physique but I just figured he needed a little fine tunin’ to get into the swing of things.






I can see the potential











The first thing to do was to get O.J. into shape. I decided to call him “O.J.” instead of Oliver Jefferson, he didn’t say so but I could tell he enjoyed my O.J. jokes. He would come in and I’d say something like “hey O.J., how many women did you cut up today brah?” Or “hey O.J., I got a pair of gloves I’d like you to try on.” And then I would high five Youngblood and we would laugh and laugh, except for Oliver who would usually just walk past.

I didn’t want to start O.J. on my Tony Little Gazelle right off the bat because you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk my son. Plus I got that thing set to “disabled lady” and I didn’t want anyone to see it. I decided to start O.J. off on a little thing I like to call the Widow Maker, it’s the same thing we started Leland off on and I think the results speak for themselves.





Who will be the Widow Maker's next victim?



O.J. didn’t seem to understand why I was making him go into this thing, he kept trying to play on the new computer we got at the office. I put a swift end to that and forced him into the Widow Maker. He did pretty well except he got distracted by some of my motivational screams and got stuck between two of the slats in the tree house section. Youngblood got him out though with only a few deep splinters.

Next up I put O.J. into the training facility we have behind our house. Actually, I think it’s a secret Japanese bunker from WWII, that or a coal mine. I’m a busy man so I haven’t had time to look this stuff up yet. What I do know is that I’m tired of the letters I keep getting from the State telling me it’s a health hazard. One time a so-called “scientist” came here from the so-called "Department of Health” and told me that the whole area within and around our training facility was “contaminated” with “radiation”. Yeah sure buddy, what are you gonna try and tell me next, that smoking is bad for your health? Keep walkin, egghead.







In our state of the art facility you'll find...well I'm not sure really




I’ve never been in the facility personally because I’m terrified of confined spaces. That didn’t stop me from taking O.J. right to the entrance. I gave him a miner’s helmet and a pack of peanuts to eat in case he got lost. He started bitchin’ that he couldn’t eat peanuts because he’d go into ana-galactic shock or something like that but I wasn’t hearing it, I shoved him in and locked the gate.

I came back three days later and found O.J. passed out by the gate. I apologized for forgetting to get him any water and once he was able to speak I asked him if he was really ready to be a bounty hunter or if he just wanted to blend in with the rest of the mob. Just then Beth came back from her week long facial and demanded to know what in the name of Uncle Jessie was going on. I told her about how we had talked about gettin’ a new person at the office and how O.J. wanted to train really hard even though I cautioned him against it with his frail, wussy stature and all.

Beth told me that this guy wasn’t a job applicant, he had come over to look at her computer because she had given her credit card information to a Nigerian banker she’d met over the email so that he could transfer a dying millionaire’s money to her directly and hadn’t heard back from him in weeks.





Call us ASAP, Mr. Madu Frank











Once the confusion was sorted out we all had a good laugh about it. And once O.J. gets the asbestos removed from his lungs I’m sure he’ll look back and laugh too. What I found really strange was that the real applicant never showed up. Maybe I didn’t put out any job postings, to tell the truth I’m not sure that we need any new additions to the family anyway, ahh well live and learn.