A Birthday to Remember

It was little Gary boy’s 6th birthday yesterday and I had completely forgot about it. The night before the big day we were all off chasin’ this head case around Honolulu. Beth had told me before I left to get him a cake but the chase just kept going, mostly because there’s this new topless joint downtown, “The Breast in Town” and Youngblood, Leland and I took in a few shows while we were waitin’ for our informant to give us the 411 on our perp. Turns out our guy was in the same club, I tell ya, the Lord works in mysterious ways. It worked out really well because I didn’t have any “splainin” to do when I got home to Beth.

Anyway, the club owner was so grateful for havin’ that numb-nuts out of his club he thanked us with three lap dances on the house. I mean from the dancers, not the owner himself. By the time I’d filled Cinnamon’s panties full of crisp dollar bills and few spare nickels I’d totally forgotten about getting Gary a cake. Luckily Youngblood’s girl, Passion, knew of an all night cake place. It was too late for them to make me a cake right there so I had to go with one that had someone else’s name on it. To tell the truth it wasn’t the first place I’d stop for a kid’s birthday cake but I was desperate and Gary won’t be thinkin’ about getting into women’s pants until he’s at least nine so I figured I was in the clear with this one.







You’re one lucky kid Scotty, I mean Gary









I knew I was in trouble with Beth as soon as she looked at it. I even tried to reason with her by telling her how cheap I had gotten the cake and that it came with free anal beads but she went into “deaf” mode and wasn’t talkin’ to me the whole day. I knew I had to make it up to Gary big time so I decided that the whole family was going to the Honolulu Zoo for a day of fun.

So we piled 15 people into two SUV’s and away we went. Of course we got there late in the afternoon and the lineup was ridiculous. To solve this I had one my kids, I can’t remember which now, fake an injury. This way we were all able to butt in front of everyone while we pretended to look for a doctor. The only drawback was I couldn’t allow that kid to go in the zoo out of fear that someone would see that she wasn’t injured so she had to go back and sit in the SUV for the day. We cracked the window though so it was fine.

First off we went to look at the chimps. We had to move fast because it was so friggin’ hot I could barely breathe under all my leather clothes. The chimps weren’t doin’ very much so I got them goin’ with a little rattle of their cage which I figured they’d get a kick out of. Turns out you’re not supposed to do that kind of thing because it “traumatizes” them or something. I got pretty pissed though when they started humpin’ each other in front of Gary, after seein’ that and eatin’ that cake he’s gonna have issues. Who am I kiddin’ that was already set in stone from day one most likely.





King of the jungle my ass






I went off to find the head zoomaster or whatever the hell he’s called to make them stop but all I could find was some zit covered teenager who looked like a mentally ill muppet. He had so much chrome jewellery on his face he could’ve passed as a custom tire rim. I asked him where the zoomaster was but he acted like he didn’t know what I was talkin’ about. I was quickly losing my temper with this turd-burglar so I decided we were all leavin’. I didn’t have a clue where half the family was so I just turned around and yelled “Anyone remotely related to the Chapman family better have their asses in the SUV in 5 unless you want to live at the zoo!”

That seemed to work, but the kids were all upset and tired from the ordeal so we decided to go to a place where we can all relax, Chuck E. Cheese’s. Now, I had never been to Chuck E. Cheese’s before but I have done psychedelic drugs so it wasn’t a total shock when we walked in and it looked like “Lord of the Flies Goes to the Circus”. I mean, there kids hangin’ from the ceiling the walls and all over the floor. The only adults I did see were collapsed in the corner from exhaustion. To top it off every 3 minutes some little demon would set off a mechanical nightmare where Davey Crockett and a singing bear would slide out on stage to sing songs of the Old West.






My life is now complete









It became a full blown nightmare when I found out they didn’t serve alcohol at this place so I was forced to have a splitting headache a day before I would have liked. I tried to get into the swing of things, I played the cheese chase game and lost to a 5 year old which ended up making me even more pissed off. To make things worse all of the mallets from the Whack-A-Mole had been stolen so you had to punch them with your fist and I got my arm caught in one of the holes. Luckily the employee with the birthday cake hat moved quickly and was able to free my arm using some of the grease from my chicken wing basket.





My thanks, swift jester












Things turned really sour when they caught Gary cheating at the ball toss game. He’d climbed up to the high score area and dumped all of his balls in, collected his tokens and bought 35 fake moustaches and a decoder ring. But before he could sneak into the bathroom with them he was spotted on the CheeseCam and we were all asked to leave.

All in all it wasn’t that bad of a day, little Gary learned important lessons about the act of love making and stealing and I learned that drinking a Chuck E. Cheese milkshake will make you wish you were dead. They say you’re only as old as you feel so that would make me 1,103 years old today.