Changing My Tune

Change is a good thing. I thrive on change but only in certain areas of my life. In some areas of my life I refuse to allow change to happen. For instance, one time Beth replaced my Colgate SpongeBob Double Bubble Cool Mint Strawberry toothpaste with Colgate Complete and I freaked out. My teeth are very important to me. I consider them part of my family. In fact, I love my teeth more than I love some of my kids. Actually, that’s not very difficult to do. I’ve had TV dinners I’ve loved more than some of those little bastards. Other things that I don’t want to see change are: the current lineup of CSI Miami; the Stag Chili recipe; the Bush Administration; the current menu at Chili’s and the management team at the Kansas City Royals. All of these things are so awesome I don’t think they should change one bit.








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Sometimes change is a good thing though. Recently I’ve been thinking of changing the theme song to my show. Currently it’s the one by Ozzy and even though I worshipped him from 1972-1988 I think my show’s intro could use some new blood. By the way, when I say I worshipped Ozzy Osbourne I mean I literally worshipped him. I had a shrine set up in the basement with decapitated doves, pictures of Ozzy I took at concerts and outside of his home, all of Black Sabbath’s albums tacked upside down on the wall including Technical Ecstasy and a lock of Randy Rhodes’ hair I found in the urinal at one of Ozzy’s concerts. I know it was Randy’s because it reeked of awesomeness, as well as urine. I had to take the whole thing down when one of my stupid neighbor’s kids came over to visit and went down there. The doctor said it was the first time he’d ever seen an eight year old have a heart attack.









Jesus








I decided to start shopping around for some new theme songs. At first I wanted people to see my sensitive side, the side that holds the door open for Beth and only farts in public if it’s a “silent but violent” one and not a “loud and proud” one. For this I went to the one and only, Elton John. I told ‘ole Elty that I wanted something that people will remember. I suggested he re-work Candle in the Wind, this is what he came back with:

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a Bounty Hunter in the wind
Never knowing who to mace first
When the door caved in
And I would have liked to have known you
Before you had twelve kids
Your mind burned out long before
Your hair roots ever did

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this, at first I was flattered that Elton John even got back to me. But after reading over the song a few times I kind of thought he was makin’ fun of me. Plus I got a letter from his lawyers saying I owed Elton $50,000 for thinking about him without permission, so screw that idea.

I decided I wanted to go a little edgier. I was plowing through my old 8-tracks and stumbled across The Doors. I think having some mysterious, psychedelic hard rock will really make people take notice. Now, I know Jim Morrison’s been dead for about 80 years but I got in touch with the Doors’ keyboardist, Ray Manzarek. I told him I wanted to capture the machismo of Jim Morrison minus the gayness of the rest of the band. He sent me back this little gem:

You know the Dog knows how to fight
So don’t get in his way
Try to run
Try to hide
He’ll curse and scream, then start to cry
He’ll curse and scream, then start to cry
Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

I thought that was pretty solid but then I read the letter that Ray Manzarek sent with the lyrics and I started to have second thoughts:

Hey Dog!

My spirit is honored that you chose me to write a new theme song for the show. You know, when I was on that beach in 1964 and I saw Jim Morrison walking towards me I knew that someday I’d be writing lyrics for a show about a hick who catches drug addicts. Jim Morrison once told me he would have liked to have been a bounty hunter if you were allowed to eat peyote while on the job. He talked to me a lot because we were really tight. One time we were all at this party at Andy Warhol’s place and the Velvet Underground was playing but Jim wasn’t happy about being in the sidelines so he jumped on stage and grabbed the mic from Lou Reed and started singing. Then he collapsed and shit himself but he picked me to clean his leather pants the next day, that’s how well I knew Jim Morrison. Jim Morrison and I were like this, you can’t see what I’m doing but I’m crossing my fingers. Anyway, I know Jim is out there and I know he’d be happy with me re-working Break on Through for your show, that’s how close I was with Jim Morrison. So I hope you enjoy the song Dog. Take care and remember, I knew Jim Morrison.

Ray “Jim Morrison” Manzarek











It’s good to see that Ray’s moved on

After reading this letter I decided to scrap the idea of a new theme song altogether. I don’t really want people seeing my softer side, that should only be reserved for two people, my lady and my Lord and Savior. My Lord is also my Savior you see so it’s still two people not three so you can hold off on the letters correcting me. I also don’t want some hippie making my show look like Scooby Doo meets Hee Haw. I can’t really afford to pay anyone any money anyway, I was hoping to pay them with some free small weapons training but you know what these celebrities are like, they get other people to do all their fighting for them. Looks like I have to stick to Ozzy’s theme which is kind of a bummer. I see the Royals are about to come on TV, at least I know they’ll never let me down.