The Dog's Blog: Proof is in the Puddin'

The Dog is always looking out for God, because God is always looking out for the Dog. I find the Big Man in church every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday morning, plus the Chapman household is a regular worship-fest, 24-7. Our radio's always tuned to a Christian country station, with my current favorite tune being a ditty called 'The Devil Loves Donuts But He Don't Gain a Pound.' So true, and so evil to anyone who's been on a diet. It's by that group that sang 'Devil Don't Workout But He's Got Washboard Abs' a few years back. I guess these guys don't have many ideas for songs, but they're still so good. I've sat in my SUV a few mornings lately with a Krispy Kreme in my hands and a lump in my throat thinking, "Diablo! It's not fair, you fucker!"

If the radio's not on, our television satellite picks up a dozen or so Christian television channels from around the world. My cable guy Walter rigged us up good during installation. We get Eternal World Television, God TV, Inspiration Network, Vision TV, Three Angels Broadcasting Network, Trinity Broadcasting Network, Daystar, Revelation Network, Salem Broadcasting, and Swank TV. I keep that last channel locked during the day, as I don't want one of my little rugrats seeing some guy's big rat taking it to some lady's rug. Don't get me wrong, porno is a natural thing, but it's for late at night when everyone's gone to bed and the Dog needs to shake loose some tension.

When there's nothing on tv, we pull out the board games. Christian Monopoly anyone? Is that a 'Get Out of Hell Free' card I see?

Anyways, my point is that even though I try to make God present in every aspect of my life, sometimes even God feels neglected and decides to make an unexpected appearance. For instance, the other day Leland, Youngblood, Beth, and I were grabbing some din din after bagging a tweaker, and no word of a lie my napkin was folded just like the Pope's hat. Everyone else's napkin was just sitting there flat on the table with food stains on them, but mine was standing upright. Youngblood has since dubbed it the Vatican nap-i-kan, and I've got it sitting on my mantle at home.

Our waitress, who I can only assume is an atheist, tried to come along and say some hooey about, "all of the napkins should be folded like that," and "we haven't cleared this table yet," and "we'll get you fresh napkins," and I just told her to vamoose and get back to her science books because she was killing my Jesus buzz. Leland, Youngblood, and Beth looked weirded out by their napkins, probably because of jealousy, but that's cool, they work hard for God too, so him pouring all his attention on me probably don't seem fair. I didn't touch the thing until I'd finished dinner, went to the washroom and washed my hands (though I would have washed them anyways because I took a crap), and then I made sure I handled the napkin safely until it made it home.

'But they're all folded like that sir.' Sure they are

I've also done some research lately into other examples of religious imagery showing up in foods and such. Here are a few that I think are exciting, and proof of a higher power communicating through what we eat:

1. Jezuz Whiz

An eleven year old schoolboy in Boise, Idaho was preparing to eat his lunch, when he noticed that his sandwich was shaped like Jesus' head. The local media dubbed it the 'Jezuz Whiz' story because of how much damned Cheez Whiz was on the thing (a note to this kid's mother: the jar is supposed to last more than two days). After four hours of scrutiny, the kid grabbed the sandwich and ate it. I hope he felt some Holy Ghost Indigestion afterwards. That sandwich belonged in a museum.

I can definitely see a likeness

2. Mother Thereese's Pieces

At a local fair in The Pas, Manitoba, Canada, a vendor was selling chocolate apples dipped in Reese's Pieces. Sure enough, a forty year old department store manager got one that looked exactly like Mother Theresa's head. And just like his Yankee counterpart, our idiot tundra friend ate it after only a few pictures were taken. Remember that cinnamon bun a few years ago with Mother Theresa's face in it? They had the decency to preserve that one. Good for them. I also gotta say, you could open a catering business with just food accidentally shaped like that great woman's noggin.

As someone who loves both pastry and Mother Theresa of Calcutta with all my heart, this is a dilemma

3. Golden Abrahams

This one happened right here in Honolulu. A local fisherman was eating his breakfast, when his bowl of cereal took the form of Abraham's face and beard (if Abraham's face and beard were sitting in 2% milk). He freaked out and shook the table while falling backwards - and this is where it gets really weird - and in shifting the bowl the cereal reshaped itself into the face of Abraham Lincoln, mole and all, which was formed by a blueberry. The fisherman told me this story after I arrested him for speed and LSD possession, so maybe it's not reliable.