The Dog Factor

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Leland had once auditioned for and starred in Fear Factor. He never told us how he did and because our TV was broken from 2001-2003 we never knew. Our TV broke because I got upset when it looked like Ross and Rachel had finally given up and I threw one of Beth’s porcelain figures through the screen. It wasn’t just one of Beth’s figures it was one with Elvis riding an American Eagle over the desert. The inscription on the bottom read “Don’t Step on My Blue Suede Freedom”. I tell ya brah, I had to do a lot of chores to work that one off. She even made me chief Bedazzler on three shipments of new clothes she got in from Bargains ‘N Bins.

Anyway, it took a lot of coaxing but he’s finally let me write about what happened on the show. In the end I had to give him my autographed DVD set of “Charles in Charge” plus my Dale Earnhardt Sr. commemorative jock strap I got on the Ebay. I’m cool with it though because the last time I was over to his place I distracted him with an old rubix cube I found in a parking lot and I stole his copy of “Chicken Soup for People Allergic to Chicken Soup’s Soul”. It’s a first edition so I think it’ll cover my loss.







I’m gonna miss you Horshack







Leland said that the first stunt he was made to do on Fear Factor was to swing from the top of an abandoned building and through a plate glass window on the 35th floor of the adjacent office building. Then they had to sit down in the room and change into a suit before the morning board meeting began. Contestants who were discovered as a fraud were eliminated. Any contestant that managed to sit through the entire meeting made it through to the next round. Bonus points would be given to any contestant who could pass themselves off as an executive and Joe Rogan would personally high five any male contestant who sexually harassed a hot female “coworker” successfully.

Leland said he made it through the window no problem but some of his coworkers thought his tattoos and multiple cuts looked suspicious for an ad salesman. He ended up falling asleep during the board meeting and falling face first in the lap of a female salesperson so he didn’t get any bonus points but Joe Rogan high fived the shit out of him. It was pretty close between the other five contestants, three made it successfully through the boardroom, one was disqualified and is still fighting a harassment suit to this day and another one was killed instantly.







That show was getting waaay too easy









The second stunt was a mystery to everyone until seconds before they had to do it. They led them to an old room and uncovered a rickety old pool table. On the pool table was three jars filled with human feces, donkey testicles covered in Joe Rogan’s semen and Hubba Bubba. The objective was to make one break on the pool table, the number of balls that remained on the table after the break represented the number of times you had to eat from the first two jars. If you sunk the eight ball you got to eat from the Hubba Bubba jar to take the taste out of your mouth.

Leland said it was then that he thanked his lucky stars I took him to the pool hall more than school. He became the first pool champion in Colorado that wasn’t old enough to drink. Anyway, he sunk the eight ball and only had one other ball left on the table so he ate a donkey’s nut with the gum to make it go down easier. I guess that’s why he always pukes whenever I blow one of my mind blowing bubbles when we’re waiting for a perp.

One contestant made it through but just barely. Two other contestants who had never played pool before scratched on the break and now they both eat from a tube that’s inserted into their neck.






We got next!








So, in case you haven’t been keeping score, Leland made it to the final round. It consisted of driving a car onto two wheels, climbing out of the window and onto the door of the car. Then you had to jump onto a moving train and commandeering it. Then you had to apply a special lever that activated giant springs that made the train 50 feet tall a la Bugs Bunny to avoid the oncoming space shuttle on wheels that was barreling down the track. The winner would have bragging rights and of course the 50 G’s. The loser would be shamed on national television and possible have to be identified by dental records.

This was a huge problem for Leland because he doesn’t have a driver’s license. He’s failed the last 14 times because he doesn’t know the difference between double parking and parallel parking. Also, in Honolulu you have to use your own car, A&E won’t let us use the SUV for insurance purposes. I’ve got our own car rigged up from my alcoholic days. I redirected the windshield washer hose to go inside of the car, then I filled the windshield washer canister with Seagram’s 88. That way when you press the washer button a fresh shot of hooch comes into your car, all you need is a glass and an open mind. The first few drinks will kind of taste like washer fluid but after a week or so it’s all Seagram’s baby. Anyway, the driver’s ed guy found out about this and I can’t figure out how to fix it so he’s failed Leland every time.




This is how I drive to the office every morning




Needless to say, Leland didn’t win Fear Factor. He cranked up the stunt car and drove in reverse by mistake, running over the other contestant. Luckily it was a female and Joe Rogan was willing to do mouth to mouth plus give her an hour long heart massage to make her feel better. Neither of them won the money in the end. Luckily, he was given the Fear Factor home edition and Joe Rogan’s vote as “funniest contestant of all time”.