Where's My Benefit Concert?

I meant to say somethin’ about this earlier but I’ve been pretty busy trying not to get extradited and organizing my Hawaii-wide boycott of Taco Bell. I was watchin’ American Idol a little while ago and they were dishing out money left and right for disadvantaged children. I got nothin’ against this I just wish they’d send some of that green Honolulu way, I don’t evade taxes for shits and giggles you know. Actually, my agent, Doug, once tried to organize a “Dog benefit” thing with the reality show “Flavor of Love” but we couldn’t figure out what Marky Mark or whoever the hell it is on that show was saying, so we decided to dump it.


















I’ve got a good vibration for ya right here pal

What really blew the tips off my boots while watchin’ American Idol though was when Celine Dion came on stage with Elvis and did a duet. At first I thought it was an impersonator but after looking real close I realized it was the REAL Celine Dion. I honestly thought her manager had eaten her years ago. She’d probably only qualify as an appetizer though, the woman looks like Karen Carpenter’s tapeworm, am I right? I guess we’re lucky electronic Elvis didn’t eat her right there on stage. Luckily whoever runs American Idol used the guy that was a few months behind the fried peanut butter eating, hophead Elvis.















My heart will go on. Well, not Elvis’

I would’ve liked to have seen ‘em go with a more ballsy duet, like Celine Dion and Jim Morrison. Sure, now that I’m a father and a Christian I don’t approve of Morrison’s ways but back when I was snortin’ coke off of urinals I would’ve loved it brah. Actually, that’s probably a bad example because I’m pretty sure I’ve been a father since I was 13 and I also think I’ve always been a Christian but didn’t know it, at least that’s what Pat Robertson told me after I sent him that $5,000 check. I didn’t start snortin’ coke until I was 17 so I guess it kind of evens out. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this I’m just tryin’ to say having Jim Morrison on stage would have been decent.

I guess the only drawback is that I don’t think Morrison ever did a duet with anybody other than that time in Holland where he dry-humped Janis Joplin’s bottle of Southern Comfort, but I’m not sure how that’d turn out in the editing department. I bet they tried to use Morrison but Celine Dion refused because every take had her standing in a pool of Morrison’s digital piss.







C’mon baby change my diaper




Anyone familiar with my career with the American Gladiators knows I once had quite the soothing singing voice. I’ve been talking to Doug about teaming up with a dead female artist and we both think Whitney Houston is a pretty good choice. Not sure which event I will be performing at but Doug and I are shooting for the upcoming reality show “Who Wants to Date a Hooters Girl”. I'm not sure if there'll be judges there or not but if there is I've specifically told Doug I do NOT want Simon, Paula and Carl Winslow there. Those jokers couldn't judge an episode of People's Court, and that's all fake anyway.

As for song choice, you can’t lose with “I Will Always Love You” but maybe that’s a bit too obvious so I was thinking of other Whitney hits like “Hit Me Baby One More Time” or “I Don’t Need a Man”.





















If I’d been your bodyguard you’d still be alive Whitney

I’ve even hired a singing coach for the event. He’s the guy who’s helped out people like Johnny Rotten and Lemmy Kilmister. I’m not really sure how this electronic image thing works but I’m hoping they can make me at least 2 ½ feet taller, and give me one of those Fu Manchu mustaches. I’ve always wanted one of those but never been able to make it work. I’ve also requested that they use the “hot” Whitney and that we makeout onstage for the last three minutes of the song. I think this is a fitting tribute to honor the way she lived, and also died: onstage being mauled by a biker.

I tried to call Bobby Brown to get the ball rolling but he must be still in shock from her death because he sounded really intoxicated so I just let him go for now. Plus his sister or someone was in the background callin’ me a ‘crazy cracker’, something I’m also willin’ to let go because this is a time of mourning for them.

I’ll keep y’all posted on the situation. God willing in a few months I’ll be onstage singing with a dead person in a Hooter’s bar. It’s all for you, Whitney, R.I.P. sweet wahine.